Terrible TV: Black Box, episode 8

I keep trying to do something different with this series: take my mood stabilizer and wait for it to kick in before I start watching. The hope is that the stupid will hurt less. The downside is that I lose the edge hypomania grants me, which Dr. Black has already taught us is the most important of all things. In a practical sense, it also means I make it ten minutes and then I fall asleep. So, here comes my third fourth attempt at episode 8, fueled by nothing but caffeine and nicotine.

So, did Catherine sleep with Bickman? Looks like we won't find out until after we meet the patient. Danny is a young-ish man who lives with his mom, right up until he shoots and kills her with a shotgun. Huh. Well, I have been asking for gun violence. I just wish it had involved our central characters. Then he sits down and journals about not being in control of his emotions. Catherine wakes up alone, remembering the previous night with Bickman. Hooray, more bad decisions blamed on mental illness! Then again... is this a bad decision? Will has no personality and nowhere near Bickman's frequently-mentioned-but-never-seen intellect. In addition, Will and Catherine's relationship isn't even dysfunctional. It's non-functional. Irreversible coma, breathing machine, please do everyone a favor and pull the plug already. So really, the worst part about this transgression is that it wasn't with Ali Wong. Or Bossman. I bet Bossman's oh-face is historically great.

Back at the apartment, Catherine lies to Will some more and Will tells the truth. With Will's total lack of affect and Catherine's overacting, this averages out to a well-executed scene. Leo comes back to work, but his hypermemory isn't back. The first patient we see at The Cube is Gordon, who his fiancé Stacy introduces as "The nicest man on the planet. That's why this is so crazy. I mean, he's a vegetarian, and gluten-free, for God's sake... The man laminates his library card."

What the hell is with these people talking about gluten? Gordon robbed the bank he worked at. I would guess he's not the first non-gluten eater to do so, seeing as how the two have nothing to do with each other. He has no control or awareness of what his left hand is doing. Catherine goes to Bickman to "clear the air", but really that just means "be passive-aggressive even though I actually like you". Once again, bitchiness and bipolar are not the same thing. Both exist, both are problems, but they don't have a causal relationship.

"I don't know what's going on here." -Catherine
"Me neither. Isn't that nice?" -Bickman

No sir it is not. It's permanent nails-on-a-chalkboard because the people writing your words and actions are horrible at their job. There is nothing nice about that.

Here's why Danny isn't at The Cube yet: he's decided to try to get a walk-in with Hostage Redgrave. He found out about her from reading a magazine article of the "Ten Best Psychiatrists". Ugh. OK, first off, superlative achievement unlocked. Good job, Hostage Redgrave. Second off, while psychiatrists can in fact do therapy, they are MDs and are focused on diagnosis and medical treatment. The right person for Danny to see, but unless Hostage Redgrave is a master of both psychiatry and psychology (and since she's a character on Black Box, it's a foregone conclusion that she's both of those things and also a princess and an astronaut and a dragon ALL AT THE SAME TIME RAWR), Catherine would most likely see a psychologist for her navel-gazing sessions. You know, because the World's Finest Neurologist would have to have the World's Finest Therapy. This is all hilarious, because she tells Danny that she's not the kind of doctor he needs to see. I just facepalmed myself and my hand went through the back of my skull. He refuses to take no for an answer, and it looks like shit is about to get thick.

Catherine and Josh meet up to talk- sister drama is always more important than working for those blue-collar types- and she says she has to break up with Will. Um, yeah. Way ahead of you there, Dr. Black. This upsets Josh, and he says Will's good for her. Josh figures out that she's cheating on him, and Catherine lies some more.

"People spend years in therapy trying to figure out what they want. No one can tell you. The answer is in your actions." -Josh

Damn, Josh. Why are you smarter than all the characters who went to school 12 years longer than you did? Also, why don't you treat everyone around you like shit? You're an anomaly in the Black Boxiverse, and while I like you, I don't like that. I'd be much more comfortable if you cooked meth and beat your family in your spare time instead of displaying a reasonable temperament and admirable morality.

Delilah comes back to the restaurant to apologize to Will. Will reads his lines directly off the script in a flat monotone. He accuses Delilah of trying to manipulate him. No dude, she really just wants your dick. There's no guile or deception here. The purpose of the Delilah character is to want into Will's pants. That's it. She says she and Will both have the same problem: they both love someone who won't love them back.

Let's go back to The Cube, where stuff makes just as much nonsense. Leo is surprised and hurt that Bickman can't write him a letter of recommendation, despite the fact that he and Allie had a conversation no more than a month ago where they acknowledged that missing even a day- let alone multiple weeks to recover from brain surgery- means you fail at your rotation.

Hostage Redgrave's facial expression finally makes sense, as she Googles Danny and finds out what he's done. She tries to call him an ambulance and he smashes the phone, right before having a psychotic break and running away.

Catherine prescribes Botox to Gordon to block the nerve impulses to his rogue limb.

"I'm a firm believer in self-control..." -Catherine.

Yup. Redgrave calls to tell her a crazed gunman might be headed for The Cube, and all I can say is it's about time. Danny slips by security, stakes out a spot on the roof, and busts out the sniper rifle. Aww, yeah. It's real-life GTA time. He almost kills himself, but the voices in his head change their mind and he gets ready to open fire on the lunch truck. Leo and Allie are in his sights, but since he can't hear their self-absorbed ramblings, he lets them live. As soon as the shots ring out, we find out Bickman is still at the food truck. He's shot in the neck but the bullet missed all major systems. So close. Danny starts seizing when the cops show up on the roof. Catherine, in a panic, tries to backseat drive Bickman's surgery. When he's out, she shows up offering to change his bandages. What? She wakes him up and he's all about getting back into surgery. Can you see where this is going? As if on cue, we find out Danny has a brain tumor that's causing all this nonsense.

"He doesn't look like a killer." -Ali Wong
"What does a killer look like?" -Catherine
"Good point." -Ali Wong

While Danny is being taken to surgery, a doctor says that it won't be a tragedy if he dies, because of this thing called free will. Catherine puts on her strident face and burns that strawman down. I think she just leveled up in the skill of Vociferously Defending the Obvious. And surprise, guess who's operating on Danny. It's Bickman! Oh snap! Doctor operates on the guy who shot him! Such noble. Many honor. Since everyone else is busy, Leo gets to assist and be scrub nurse. Bickman gets the tumor but nicks a blood vessel, then bows out due to pain, so Leo fixes it. Yay! A surgery winner is you.

Will calls Catherine and they have another conversation that makes you wonder what exactly makes them a couple. While toying with a pen at Catherine's place, he realizes it's from the Hotel Mirabella- the very hotel where Bickman lives. Dun dun dunnnn. Leo finds out Ali Wong lives in The Cube and is agoraphobic, and she threatens him with his radiology rotation to keep her secret. When Catherine goes to see Danny, Bickman's already there. Danny's memory is gone, so he's going to prison and doesn't know why.

"Life's fragile, huh?" -Catherine
"Yeah, believe me. I got the message." -Bickman

Between the bomb scare and the shooter, the show's pretty much out of ratings grab hospital show tropes with five episodes to go. How will they limp to the finish line? You can watch it for yourself (bad idea) or you can check in here for Episode 9 (good idea!).

Got All Them Buckets Coming Outta My Ears

Before we get back to defiling the grave of Black Box, I have something good to throw out into the aether. This is the sort of thing most people would retweet or like on Facebook, but this is my only internet presence so it's going here. As anyone who read my posts from 2012 probably could surmise, I lost my sister to ALS in early 2013. ALS sucks and I am completely in favor of discontinuing its existence. I'm not sure how pouring cold water over ourselves gets that done, exactly, but awareness is a good thing. I'd like to thank my friend Ted for jumping on this bandwagon. It gives me some evidence that not all viral phenomena exist to make us dumber and worse people. Good work and thanks, Ted.

(Unfortunately, Blogger's YouTube button apparently refuses to allow me to find and add any videos that don't involve famous people, or aren't about UFOs. So go here and watch it.)

Terrible TV: Black Box, Episode 7

It's been an amazing week of Magic: the Gathering for The Everlasting Dave. Orzhov midrange took me to a 4th place and 2nd place finish at two Game Day tournaments this Saturday, and on Sunday I took it all the way to the title. Ugly-as-sin playmat that I will still use because it says "Champion", ten packs, a foil promo I cashed in for five more packs, and the Nissa Pop Magic figurine I was destined to own. This is all to say I haven't given up on Terrible Television, just that sometimes there are more important things. Like card games. Card games I'm at least kind of good at. But we're back tonight to push past the halfway point of Black Box, just days after its cancellation was announced by ABC. Who's excited? I'm excited.

Episode 7 kicks off with models in sparkly, shimmery, hyper-glam, brightly colored makeup- another modest highlight in a show that desperately needs one. The makeup artist, Frankie, collapses and is our patient this time. Esme and Reagan are at Catherine's place while Josh is at the Knicks game. Catherine mentions she could have gotten him floor seats, cause you know, Mary Sues can do absogoddamnlutely anything their writers want them to do. Little known trivia about Catherine Black: she can breathe underwater, once crab-walked a marathon in under 4 hours, farts a cancer-curing substance that smells like ambrosia, and only dates men who ride white horses and whose armor is stained with the blood of the wicked. All true. Reagan is inexplicably nice all of a sudden, helping to plan Will and Catherine's wedding. Will previews his dance moves again and casually mentions he's about to introduce Catherine to his family. Catherine takes the opportunity to insist repeatedly on Hunter not being invited to the wedding, in the face of passionate opposition from nobody.

Everybody at The Cube is watching the news about refugees in Syria, and Bossman helpfully mentions "The administration does not need another Benghazi." See, doctors are just like us- total fucking morons. Then the models show up with Frankie, and every man in The Cube turns into a babbling waste of oxygen. Oh, wait. The presence of models changed nothing. Catherine examines Frankie, who's suffered a stroke and has had personality changes.

"The color has gone out of my life." -Frankie

OK, spoilee time, because I remember this episode. Frankie's stroke caused colorblindness. Let's get through the final 37 minutes and try to forget the clumsiest foreshadowing in history. Will uses big words to explain to his sous chef that he (Will) has a hyper-developed sense of smell. Again, everyone in the Black Boxiverse has to be the most something of everything. I don't know the people who created and wrote this show but I am absolutely convinced they all have borderline personality disorder. All this mostest and best-ever stuff was tiresome halfway through the first episode, but they keep cramming superlatives into every crevice- and the show is like 90% crevice. Delilah shows up just to be the object of Will's cold rejection.

"Back off please? Your perfume's getting all up in my olfactory holes." -Will

Bickman and Bossman both show up in the imaging lab to awkwardly ask the smug, judgey lady docs if there's any information they can relay to Frankie's model friends. The boys stammer and stutter while deciding who gets to tell the models, and Catherine smirks that they can each deliver a piece of information. Best. Doctor. Ever. In the very next scene, Catherine takes one of Bickman's moves while he and Bossman are playing chess. OK, so maybe the misogyny of the last episode has faded, but its opposite is no less damaging if a goal of our life experience is to become enlightened and good human beings. This show's take on gender dynamics would resonate best with unsupervised third graders at recess. Yes, I'm overthinking it, and yes, that is still the only way this is enjoyable for me.

Anyway, a photographer from the Syria story caught a piece of shrapnel and Bickman is the only neurosurgeon in the whole wide world allowed to operate on her. Of course he is. In the excitement, Bossman tells Catherine that Frankie can't be fixed and she needs to let it go. Uh oh. Did he... Did he just tell The Marco Polo Of The Brain that something can't be done? Damn, Bossman. Your sweater-vests, bow ties, and round glasses belie your livin'-on-the-edge style. Hostage Redgrave makes an appearance just so Catherine can re-establish that she never gives up. The scene ends with Hostage Redgrave shaking her head with an impressed, bordering on awed, smile on her face. Redgrave calls back immediately after the session with a brilliant, groundbreaking way to fix Frankie. Ali Wong has a "synesthesia machine" lying around that translates sound into color, and she reverse engineers it so Frankie can hear color. Because that's a thing that happens. Frankie is not enthused but takes the equipment home with him anyway.

Here's where the people making this show abandon all hope of being original, thought provoking, and in any way significant in the never-ending battle against ignorance that us mentally ill folk try to fight every day. Turns out the photographer has a live round of ammunition lodged in her skull and Catherine is the only one who sees it on the scan. This is a very compelling storyline, and I know because Grey's Anatomy did it eight years ago. Black Box plagiarizes everything about it, right down to the self-destructive female protagonist who refuses to leave the OR at grave risk to herself. The difference is, in Black Box, the extremely sensitive live ordinance has already survived flights from Syria to Germany to New York without giving the photographer a real-life case of the head explodies. Planes don't jostle, right? Also, in Black Box, Bickman gets the shell out and nobody dies. Because Magical Christmas Land.

What better way to celebrate an unrealistic surgery than meeting your fiancée's super-traditional and stereotypical parents? Mama Will collects snow-globes and Stepdaddy Will kind of reminds me of Tio Salamanca from Breaking Bad. In rapid-fire-nails-on-a-chalkboard style, we find out that Mama Will is under the impression that after the wedding, Catherine will give up that silly world's greatest neurologist thing, squirt out a few puppies, and be Will's housewife. I'm not sure if this is more offensive to women or black people. All I know is I'm offended and that takes a lot. Catherine takes a call from Bickman, and Will gets a sext from Delilah. All the while, Mama Will grills Catherine about how devoted she really is to Will and his happiness. Catherine retreats to the living room, watches Leave it to Beaver with Stepdaddy Will, and hallucinates herself as June Cleaver. It's just surreal enough to be sexy when she starts repeating "My husband is quite a catch. He is the sun, and the moon, and the stars." over and over, with increasing levels of distress, until she finally chugs a bottle of vanilla extract. But then again, the things I find sexy are varied and inexplicable. I think this is supposed to be a scary descent-into-madness scene. On the ride home, more lessons on how not to be a couple by the experts:

"Don't forget, you're dropping me off at The Cube." -C
"(Passive aggressive yep)... You had a horrible time tonight." -W
"I didn't."
"You were distracted and disinterested. You must've walked off five times to take phone calls and texts."
"I'm not the only one who took texts during dinner."

Catherine goes back to work, and Will goes back to the restaurant, where he finds Delilah sitting on the bar wearing lingerie. OK, maybe not all the things I find sexy are inexplicable. That shoots up to #1 on the list of greatest Black Box moments. Will's inability to act is on full display as he shuts her down yet again. Frankie sends Catherine a goofy video showing he's using and enjoying the synesthesia machine, because some viewers may have forgotten that Catherine is always right. She goes to the roof to find Bickman.

"(Will's family) is the most kind, lovely, adorable, close-knit family I never had." -Catherine

Haha. Nobody loves you or ever will, Catherine Black. Bickman reveals he lives in a hotel because the only thing he really cares about is being the most bestest brain surgeon there ever was, is, or will be. Catherine's turned on, and Bickman asks her to have a drink with him. It ends before she answers.

In retrospect, this episode was the best of the show's entire run. Sparkly makeup, black and red lingerie, and a hallucination based on "Leave it to Beaver" are the three things I'll remember about this series a year from now. I hope that was the producers' intent.

Terrible TV: Black Box, Episode 6

The last time we saw the Marco Polo of the brain, she was shroomin' and chillin' with the Virgin Mary. Can we keep cranking up the stupid from there? You know we can. Let's rock.

We find out right away where Catherine gets her love of jazz: her father was "the great jazz pianist Hunter Black". So there's our daddy issues. Her patient this week is an Afghanistan vet who's missing the lower half of his left arm, and has phantom pains. Leo's been staying with his parents, who hate him unless he's using his awesome brain powers for awesome, while he recovers from brain surgery. And Will is meeting with a guy who I guess is the restaurant owner? Shrug. Anyway, the restaurant is not profitable. Don't worry, this doesn't go anywhere except the land of "Not how people really talk and act but some cokehead thought it looked good on the page":

Will: "I'm thinking of scaring up some more coin by opening up a Sunday brunch."
Owner: "Mimosas? Ka-Ching! I love it!" *fist bump*

Scaring. Up. Some more. Coin. Then the owner talks about how hot Delilah is, and Will says he wants to fire her. The owner says now that Will's slept with her, that can't happen. Why does the owner look and act like the Mayhem Like Me guy, yet isn't entertaining? Simply amazing.

Dr. Black's other patient, Beatrice, is going blind but has vivid hallucinations. Bickman stops the elevator when Catherine's in there with him, because even the emotionally distant supersurgeon just can't resist the sultry wiles of Dr. Catherine Black. She melts even the coldest hearts! Ugh. He gets all "No means yes" again, but Catherine rejects him. Next, Will and Catherine are at Josh's. Will's not just a chef, but also a master sommelier.

Esme: "Well, for the record, my glass of 2014 sparkling cider is epic."

Quite possibly my least favorite word in the English language, said by one of only a few Black Box characters I don't want to see get all the kinds of cancer. And one of those few already died of all kinds of cancer! Also, Esme does not pass for 15. Like, at all. If she did I would feel a lot dirtier than I do. Josh and Esme invite Will and Catherine to go see Hunter in concert, and once again we have the "bipolar as an excuse to be unnecessarily bitchy without really being manic or depressed" trope made famous by Jennifer Lawrence in "Silver Linings Playbook".

Catherine: "He left us the day of Mom's funeral. Have you got amnesia?" *storms off *

I don't think I can explain why, but this whole scene makes me laugh hard. It's the way she says "am-nee-zee-uh?", and pretty much overenunciates her entire side of the argument. It's the dialogue that kind of reminds me of Engrish with less insight. It's the way bipolar affects TV characters differently than it affects the rest of us. See, we'll have mood swings, and sometimes we'll act destructively or irrationally, but we do it in the context of an emotionally altered state. We don't just get bored and decide to be assholes, which to this point, defines Catherine as a character. Something I try to get across to everyone I discuss mental health issues with is that being mentally ill doesn't decrease your personal responsibility when it comes to being a good person. It increases it, because people are going to expect you to fail at it. In short, "don't be an asshole" is a good and ACHIEVABLE goal for the healthy and sick alike. Dr. Black has managed an awe-inspiring career and a long-term relationship with someone I think is supposed to be a catch, all without learning not to treat others like crap. It makes less than no sense. Anyway, Josh stalks down Catherine to apologize- you know, because asking someone if they'd like to go somewhere is just super offensive and a totally understandable reason to get pissed off. Catherine's ensuing screed on abandonment and not wanting to expose Esme to it is- all together now- BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER, not bipolar. Idealization and demonization. Intense, PTSD-esque reactions to any unexpected thing. This scene would even ring true for me, as a Borderline sufferer, if that was what the character was supposed to be . But she's not Borderline. She's just a bad person. Josh has to apologize to her for not holding a grudge, and for wanting to know his own father. Yeah. Catherine isn't just a self absorbed idiot, as the first few episodes led me to believe. She's a bona fide monster. Also, huge boyfriend points to Will as they deal with the fallout from this. You knew her well enough to propose, but you knew nothing about her ridiculously traumatic childhood OR her mental illness? Frankly, I'd expect better from a master sommelier who is also a head chef.

Bickman and Dr. Mahmoud sit in on a House-ish diagnosis session on the one-armed soldier. The psychiatrist pitches psychosomatic due to repressed memory of the incident and survivor's guilt- and Catherine snaps "That's absurd." Weird. Pretty much everything you've done so far, medical or otherwise, could be described with those same two words. But it's someone else's idea, and the show isn't called Mahmoud Box, so... Yeah. Allie goes to Catherine for reassurance that Leo's post-surgery memory deficits will get better, and she's super noncommittal. Bickman gives Leo a pop quiz during his checkup, and he fails. Leo storms out, distraught, and Catherine goes snarly den-mother all up in Bickman's business.

Catherine: "Emotions matter. And so does kindness, and decency, and compassion."

Great statement of truth. As with all of Catherine's wisdom, it comes out when it's at its most completely hypocritical.

Catherine: "If you fix his head and you break his heart, then you're a lousy man and you're a lousy doctor."

Actually, letting someone practice medicine when they're mentally disabled would make him a worse doctor. But whatever. Surgeons aren't the ones who are supposed to have bedside manner anyway. Beatrice hallucinates a dog in a suit and calls him dashing. Pretty sure that's the new highlight of the series. Usually I'm not cool with dogs in clothes, but you know what, that was one classy hallucinated puppy. I'll allow it. Hunter comes to The Cube and Catherine refuses to see him. She goes to tell Josh she's not still mad at him- again, he did nothing wrong and indeed he, Esme, and Hostage Redgrave remain the show's only decent human beings. As long as Esme doesn't say 'epic' again, that is.

Josh: "I should never have given Esme the idea that you'd go see Dad. That was wrong of me."

 Um, yeah, except adults set their own boundaries and it's ok for them to say no- to polite requests, to friendly invitations, even to demands. As if anyone would ever DREAM of demanding something from the Marco Polo of the brain! I mean, I guess it's possible that whoever makes this show is truly, deeply misogynistic and believes that if a man asks a woman if she wants to do something she always has to do it. And if Catherine is both a Mary Sue of infinite strength and wisdom but at the same time not possessed of her own free will, that would go a long way toward explaining these bullshit storylines. Yes, I know I'm way overthinking this, but I have to find some way to make this fun! Catherine has Josh make something to help the soldier's therapy and they talk some more about Hunter. According to Josh, Hunter wanted to take the kids with him on the road, and Josh and Catherine's aunt put her foot down and told him to leave. Catherine says Josh's memory isn't objective, when of course hers is. Later, she's having drinks with Will and still talking about daddy issues. You know, not everything needs validation from every possible source. Turns out Will's father, despite being an abusive drunk, always left a Thanksgiving turkey for his favorite bartender. I love how every single character complexity is described as occurring off-camera. This show's really found a market inefficiency and a new alternative to hiring real actors. Speaking of real actors, we see Hostage Redgrave again.

Redgrave: "Life life FORWARD."
Catherine: "What if my memories are false?"

*headdesk x1,000,000*

Catherine's mirror-box to trick the soldier's brain into thinking he has two hands works perfectly. Beatrice's brain misses having clear vision so it gives her hallucinations as "a gift". Bickman comes up with a virtual reality program that does the same thing as the mirror-box. Bickman gives Leo a chance to work on his memory, and he shows some improvement.

Catherine: "I'm proud of myself."
Bickman: "Really? And why's that?" (In a cringe-inducing, patronizing tone that sounds like he should really end the question by calling her sweet-cheeks or something like that)
Catherine: "Because I shamed you into [giving Leo a chance]."

Sexual tension achievement unlocked. If you're keeping score, that's a bet, a raise, and a call in the poker game of undeserved self-congratulation. How Bickman ended up being the most likable person in that exchange, I'll never know. Esme texts Catherine, and she winds up showing up at the concert just long enough to make eye contact with Hunter, then leaves.

I have to say I didn't notice this the first time through the show, but the second time around it's striking me as anti-feminist at best, and traditionally misogynistic at worst. There are shows I could not or cannot watch because they're so bleakly misanthropic- How I Met Your Mother, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, The Office, and Seinfeld, just off the top of my head- and Black Box is gradually putting itself on that list. A few of the ancillary character are basically not flawed at all- Well, Esme smokes pot and Hostage Redgrave is a really bad therapist, but Josh is perfect- and all the people the plot centers around are personal and moral cesspools. This one wasn't fun or funny to rewatch. It was just saddening that someone thought this show would be entertaining to people, and for some people, it was.

The MLB Trade Season

I've been doing full-on geek stuff for the past week, so it was a nice change of pace when I woke up today to discover John Lester had been traded. The next few hours were chaos and for at least one day, Magic: the Gathering lore and Black Box hate took a back seat to pure trade deadline bliss. Let's get right to it.

-Oakland emerged as the best and ballsiest team in all of baseball. They traded their top two prospects to the Cubs for Jeff Samardzija and Jason Hammel, then when Hammel failed to impress, they traded Yoenis freaking Cespedes to Boston for John Lester and Johnny Gomes. The basic A's narrative has two things wrong. One is that they wanted a Proven Winner for the playoffs. Really it's all about holding off the Angels, winning the division, and dodging the entertaining but ultimately random Wild Card Game. Samardzija and Lester give them a better chance of doing that than Tom Milone, Jesse Chavez, and Fifth Starter Bingo. Now Chavez or Hammel is their number five and the Angels still have many of the same pitching issues they had two months ago. The second thing the narrative has wrong is that this puts the A's in the World Series. 2013 was the first time in several years that the best teams made it to the end. I think Oakland's activity this month subdues any argument for Detroit, Los Angeles, or any other team as the best in the AL. I also think that barely matters in October. The A's will make the playoffs and then something will happen. Meanwhile, Cespedes is a big get for the Red Sox' 2015 chances, and Addison Russell may or may not become a superstar in Chicago. It's been a July to remember for Billy Beane. Like everyone with a soul, I'm rooting for him.

-The Rays traded David Price, but not to any team anybody thought was involved. We heard the Dodgers, for Joc Pederson and Julio Urias. We heard St. Louis, for Oscar Taveras and Carlos Martinez. We heard Seattle, for Taijuan Walker and Nick Franklin. But in the end it was Detroit, a team with practically nothing in the farm system, that landed the big fish. It cost them Austin Jackson and Drew Smyly, the former going to Seattle for Franklin, who was then sent on to Tampa. My immediate reaction was I couldn't believe how little Tampa Bay got. Five hours later, I'm still pretty much there. Maybe Smyly will get a little bit better and be a 2 instead of a 3 or 4. Maybe Franklin will blossom into an impact middle infielder. Maybe 18-year-old shortstop Willy Adames will prove to be the key to the deal five years down the road. More likely, I think the Rays just never had the chance to cash in Price for what we all thought he was worth, and figured this offer was better than anything they would see over the winter. The Tigers will miss Austin Jackson on both sides of the ball, but when you have a chance to go Price-Scherzer-Sanchez in the playoffs, you have to do it. Seattle may have quietly gotten the best of the trade. They've needed a plus center fielder for years, and now they have one through 2015. If Kendrys Morales starts to hit and Jackson does his thing, maybe we can't write the M's off just yet.

-We've got our second Boston Blowup in less than two years. In sum, they swapped Peavy, Lester, Lackey, Stephen Drew, Felix Doubront, and Andrew Miller for Cespedes, Allen Craig, Joe Kelly, Kelly Johnson, Baltimore's third-best pitching prospect, and the #2 and #11 prospects from San Francisco's fairly weak farm system. The plan of trusting Jackie Bradley, Jr. and Will Middlebrooks this year didn't work out, so they doubled down on youth without getting anything really close to an elite prospect (Edwin Escobar from San Francisco and Eduardo Rodriguez from Baltimore both ranked in the bottom half of preseason top 100 lists.) Boston is sure to go big in free agency or trades this winter, but nothing short of signing Lester back along with Max Scherzer is going to make this pitching staff look workable. And given Boston's analytical nature, I don't see them making the kind of offer those pitchers will end up accepting.

-The Yankees are back. Taking on Brandon McCarthy, Chase Headley, Stephen Drew, and Martin Prado over the course of the month, mercifully ending the Vidal Nuno/Kelly Johnson/Brian Roberts experiment, was a quiet but definitive statement. Of course, if Tanaka ends up needing the Tommy John, it's probably all for naught. But Brian Cashman did the best he could with what he had, and now I won't be surprised at all if they overtake Toronto and Baltimore, neither of whom really moved the needle this month. On the other side of two of those trades was Arizona GM Kevin Towers, whose body of work with the Diamondbacks suggests he's a sleeper agent working for another NL West team.

-Cleveland cashed in two impending free agents in Justin Masterson and Asdrubal Cabrera for two potentially useful young players. Not earth-shattering news, but I just wanted to say I'm mildly in favor of something that happened in Cleveland.

-To me, the most fascinating deal was the Marlins-Astros trade. Miami sent three prospects- OF Jake Marisnick, 3B Colin Moran, and P Francis Martes- along with a 2015 draft pick to Houston for SP Jarred Cosart, SS Enrique Hernandez, and minor league OF Austin Wates. Marisnick and Moran entered 2014 as two of Miami's top three prospects. Marisnick has failed in a few auditions with the Marlins so his departure was somewhat expected, but I was flabbergasted to see Moran moved in anything short of a Price/Zobrist deal. That said, Cosart is a 24-year-old major league starting pitcher who will be under team control through 2019, and Hernandez made the majors this year at age 22 and hit quite well for a shortstop. Wates is old for a prospect at 25, but his AAA numbers are at least mildly intriguing. For Miami, it's an acknowledgement that their own young pitching isn't quite ready yet, and that Adeiny Hechavarria is not the answer at short. Houston's end of the deal is more about picking up value and upside than winning Major League Baseball games right now. Moran was the sixth pick in the 2013 draft, Marisnick hasn't yet shown he can hit major league pitching but has been a regular on prospect lists for years, Martes is a lottery ticket, and everybody loves draft picks. This trade excites me- hell, every trade made today excites me- because instead of seeing prospect-for-veteran, we saw veteran-for-veteran and prospect-for-prospect deals. I don't know who won this trade, and I won't know for five or six years, but it significantly altered the future for both of these teams.

Now, a lightning round on teams that did nothing or close to it.

Dodgers: I would tell Dodger fans who wanted Price or Hamels not to get greedy, but the thing is, any amount of greed I can imagine has already been satisfied by the Guggenheim Partners and Ned Coletti. The Dodgers are fine and will probably win the NL West going away, and they're still lucky enough to have three very good to elite prospects. Kudos to Coletti for not screwing that up.

Rockies: Would have loved to see a Tulo or CarGo blockbuster. Today didn't really need it to be a joy to behold, but how great would it be if Tulo was heading to Seattle right now?

Pirates: This one I can't justify. Without a starting pitcher acquisition, I see them falling off the pace in the near future. At least 2015 and beyond still looks pretty good.

Reds: I think the window just closed. I also think they know that.

Phillies: As I said at the start of the season, they're further away from contention than any other team. Nothing that's happened since then has brought them any closer. I'm not sure if it's Ruben Amaro or the owners' fault, but the job isn't getting done.

Rangers: They let a crisis go to waste here. Usually unloading veterans would turn off the fickle Dallas fans, but they're already at Cowboys Stadium so there's nothing to worry about.

White Sox: Just keep doin' your thing, Rick. We'll be fine.

Royals: Doing nothing was the best option here. I'm sure Dayton Moore tried to go nuclear and get Price or someone.

Orioles: They might be good enough to win the division anyway, but man, this would be one uninspiring playoff team.

Blue Jays: Maybe they just aren't as good as they looked for the first two months. Whether it's lack of money or lack of prospects, we're still waiting for that Marlins trade to turn them into a World Series team by itself. I'd like to see them get to an ALDS, but it's hard to envision at this point.

Terrible TV: Black Box, Episode 5

It's the middle of the night, late July. An affluent suburb. 79 degrees and cloudy. Are we gonna write about the flurry of recent baseball trades? Or maybe about the first known information on Kahns of Tarkir, and the subsequent hilarrogant nerdrage that precedes every Magic set? Hell no. We got Black Box to watch. Will Catherine go off her meds again? Will she stay with Will, or sleep with Bickman? Will Reagan ever smile? I don't care about any of those things! Let's do this!

Our patient tonight, Jacob, is a hedge fund manager who gives away all his money and his awesome condo, and knows, like, tons of Hebrew. So we start with a Jerusalem syndrome diagnosis until yay medicine he's all better? Cool, more time to spend on the worst cast in TV doctordom. Turns out Bickman knows Jacob from a homeless shelter Jacob funded- and Bickman worked at- in Port au Prince. Woo hoo, more evidence this one dimensional 'actor' is playing a three dimensional person! He introduces Catherine as "Our star brainiac".

"The Meyers just joined the board at The Cube, so make sure they get VIP treatment."
"All our patients get VIP treatment, Bick."
Yeah. You know, until some unattended and seriously ill patient busts out of his room brandishing a sharp object. Then it's every motherfucker for themselves.

Bossman is meeting with our old friend Edward Hermann, who's happy to have undergone radiation and still be alive. Uh oh, you know it can't be good when they bring the camera to these meetings. No symptoms and no tumor growth, his son's forgiven him, and he's got a 3-year-old grandson he just met. Can't have happy people on this show. Do your thing, Bossman! He offers a new experimental treatment that could add two years to Edward's life expectancy. No, Edward, walk away, walk away... Damn. He accepts. Nice knowing you, Edward. You were way, WAY too good for this show.

Jacob's wife ratchets the unlikability up to about a 14. She's all about the snide comments. Not even about Jacob's Messiah complex and how potentially damaging it could be, just that he's too busy offering prayers of various purposes to walk the damn dog. So am I the only one who ends up in the awkward position of rooting for the crazy to win every episode? Not the crazy person, just the crazy. After hearing Jacob's wife talk for 10 seconds I want Jerusalem Syndrome to spread through The Cube like wildfire. I don't know how they could make the sane family members any less supportive and appealing. Give away her wardrobe and her cars too, Jacob. Camel. Eye of a needle. Couldn't be clearer.

Superplumber is trying to seduce Ali Wong into leaving The Cube on the promise of cronuts.
"Imagine if a croissant had a baby with a donut."
"Oh, that sounds like a delicious baby."
Wait. Was that... Was that an attempt at the funny that actually kinda, sorta, didn't miss? I mean, it's not on the same comedic level as Vanessa Redgrave dispensing advice while her eyes scream "Please let me go", or Reagan's fear of  Esme finding out about her adoption being the single biggest clue Esme could ever have about her adoption, or Bickman being the hunk. Not even close to that funny. But hey, any joke on this show not rooted in "man bad" or "doctoring hard but me good" catches me off guard. Still, cronuts are a no go for Ali Wong, so Superplumber sweeps her off her feet and kisses her in the cafeteria to show her what she's missing by not "moving this thing forward." Bickman sleazily approves because he's already been in a couple scenes and hasn't yet reminded us that he's in favor of heterosexual sex. Apparently, whether or not he's involved. Most narcissists wouldn't care. Whatever.

Edward Hermann gets dizzy and his nose starts bleeding right after his first experimental treatment. Dammit, Edward. You shouldn't have taken the camera into your meeting with Bossman. Strike one. You shouldn't have agreed to the treatment. Strike two. And you sure as shit shouldn't have brought the camera home with you where it can hurt your son and grandson, too. Strike three. Turns out the cancer had already spread to the liver, so yeah, he gon' die.

Bossman: "LFTs were through the roof."
Edward Hermann, finally at peace: "Does this mean I don't have to be on the show anymore?"

Superplumber brings Ali Wong a cronut, and she rewards him by banging him her secret bedroom off of the imaging lab. Because that's a thing people have.

The nurse and the resident on staff bring Jacob and another patient outside to get lobster- I know, right?- then take their eyes off the patients for long enough for both of them to kill somebody or just run out into traffic. Look, I know they said it's a neurological center and not a psych ward, but nobody involved with making this show knows what either of those things are. When it's for the sake of a good story or some lovably trashy sexy time, I have no problem with doctors doing dumb crap. But this show is a constant maelstrom of antisocial and/or stupid behavior, poorly established mental illness, and pure anarchy within the walls of a facility housing the OMG BEST BRAIN DOCTORS EVERRR and like one security guard. Nothing ever brings us back to a "But damn, they get the job done." moment other than being told, many times in an hour, how mindblowingly amazing they all are while they're busy trying to stick their dicks and/or their crazy into places it doesn't belong. If this were a real place, every day would be like the mass murder episode of Grey's Anatomy. Every. Single. Day.

Bossman: "Just out of curiosity, does anybody in this room believe in god?"
Bickman: "Have you seen me operate? I AM GOD!"
Ali Wong: "I believe in god. She's awesome."
Bossman: [what the atheist says at the beginning of a Chick Tract. He's interrupted right before he gets to the part where he admits to the emptiness within that he really knows only the one true God can fill]

Yeah, all the scientists are sciency, and Catherine the bipolar one is the only one who can see the light, or at least wants to. I gotta say, divine-inspired delusions are probably the highlight of mania for me. They're fucking incredible. Catherine later meets with Edward Hermann and Bossman to talk about death. At this point I'm fairly certain all the writers for the show are high all the time, because I know exactly what high conversations about god and death sound like. And they sound ridiculous coming out of these characters. I swear I wrote that before Catherine suggests Edward Hermann take psilocybin. Looks like we're goin' shrooming.

OK, this is all terrible and it's gone on long enough. Lightning Round. Jacob's wife gets even more horrible on him, then Jacob has a seizure which means it's treatable. No more God for him. Catherine gives Edward Hermann a capsule of pure pharmaceutical grade psilocybin, and keeps the rest. Superplumber lays down an ultimatum and demands an off-Cube date with Ali Wong. Edward Hermann has a good trip and Bossman asks Catherine if he can trip too. The "no" really bums him out. Ali Wong stands up Superplumber. Jacob goes back to being a fat cat, showing more range than our two leads combined. His wife is still terrible. Catherine and Bickman talk briefly about his charity work.

Catherine: "I think you're complicated."
Bickman: "You're wrong. You just don't understand me."

Sigh. Where's gun violence when you need it. Josh catches Esme and her new boyfriend getting stoned. Will puts the psilocybin in hot chocolate because he thinks it's cinnamon and he and Catherine both drink some. Then Catherine has to go give Esme the drug talk and starts tripping in the middle. Will also trips. I want to laugh at this, but it's just too uncomfortable and unnecessary. Esme does make a cute butterfly though. Edward Hermann dies and Bossman calls Catherine to tell her the news while she walks home tripping. She goes into a church and the Virgin Mary gives her a thumbs up. That's literally how this one ends. Virgin Mary. Thumbs up. Why.

Terrible TV: Black Box, Episode 4

I think my problem with this show starts with Kelly Reilly. I mean, it's hard enough to get used to Grey's Anatomy's Ellen Pompeo and Justin Chambers as doctors when they act like high schoolers, but at least they act like the kind of high schoolers who might one day become doctors. Kelly Reilly acts like the kind of high schooler who wears a lot of black, randomly hisses at people, and gets her cigarettes from her 28-year-old boyfriend. Her appearance, attitude, and dialogue scream "heroin addict", not "Marco Polo of the brain". She can do the mania thing with some verisimilitude, but we haven't seen an instant of depression yet and she doesn't really act medicated when she's supposed to be acting medicated. It's possible that actors who can act like doctors just wouldn't make for a watchable show. This occurred to me after watching episode 3: Has TV's endless quest for relatability brought us to a point where everyone has seventh-grade vocabularies and personalities, no matter how smart they're supposed to be or how intellectually demanding their jobs are? I mean, I love me some Grey's, but they're among the worst offenders in all this. Ugh. I just got done re-watching 24, and other than the A+ writing and editing, the thing that really set that show apart was Dennis Haysbert. He was an adult in the room having adult conversations, and he was brilliant. Dear President Palmer, please stop trying to sell me insurance. Come back and instill our nation with truth and honor again. Wayne can come too.

So we're up to episode 4. This should end Act 1 of the series, but that suggests some kind of plot arc. At this point, I think we just need to settle in and enjoy the mean spirited jackassery that Black Box specializes in. Starting off...

Leo and the other med student- Her name is Allie, which I'm spelling that way so I don't have to stop referring to Ali Wong as such- are a great example of what I was saying. Talking about rising to the top of their exclusive and demanding field, and acting like children. You know, if "They're just like us!" is a compliment to 'us', it's an insult to 'they'. Just saying. Catherine introduces Bickman to Will. Catherine again uses Will as a prop- this time to establish she is really, for sure, no backsies, not sleeping with Bickman anymore.

"He's a chef. And you're a snob."
"The Marco Polo of the brain doesn't even know her own mind. Hey, what do you guys talk about anyway? Quinoa?"

Lol food not as hard as doctoring lol. Above the elevator door is a quote from Rainer Maria Rilke: "I want to be with those who know secret things or else alone." He was talking about wisdom and truth, not who's banging who, but hey, tomato, tomahto. Leo's being brain-scanned to see what hypermemory looks like. Allie's jealous because she's, potentially, the first realistic and likable person on this show. Crap, I hope I didn't just jinx...

"We get it. Your mommy only loved you when you excelled so you're constantly seeking female validation of your badass brainpower."

Dammit. Dammit dammit dammit. Every woman on this show is a passive-aggressive bitch and every man is a massively overcompensating big swingin' dick. Except for Ali Wong, who isn't actually real because she's the internet's wet dream, and the elderly actors, who I still have hope will be returned home safe one day soon. You're in our thoughts, Vanessa and Edward. Stay strong. At least we find out Leo's memory thing is actually covering up some kind of hyperactive delusion.

Will tells Catherine the restaurant staff is throwing them an engagement party that night, because doctors can just blow off work whenever.

"Will whatshername be there?"
"You mean Delilah. No, not if you don't want her there."
"No, I could care less. I don't want her within a hundred miles."

Yep. This is borderline behavior, not bipolar, but I'm sure I'm the only one keeping score. She shows Ali Wong the ring, so Ali Wong gets to be cute for a minute, and then they drop the ring down the sink. Luckily, Josh knows "the most exceptional plumber in all five boroughs." Christ. Why can't he just "know a guy"?

Our patient this week is Michael, a guy bossman met in the park playing chess. He's at least manic and probably on coke. He gets out of his room and runs up to the doctors, because this is the least secure psychiatric facility in the country. This will come into play multiple times. Catherine sees something diagnosable, offending Dr. Mahmoud, the staff psychiatrist. Again- real doctors would talk about this. High school students would snipe and backbite. Guess which way this is going. Turns out Michael is a laid-off cop who started drinking heavily. Dr. Mahmoud says he has bipolar.

Elmira, Mike's wife: "Are you saying he's crazy? Mike is NOT crazy!"
We have a strawman. 'Bout time someone showed up to make the writers' ignorance seem less glaring. At the restaurant, Delilah tries to jump Will's bones and he rejects her. Meanwhile, Ali Wong, a doctor, a nurse, and another guy are trying to fix the ring disaster.

Ali Wong: "I'm pretty sure it's righty-loosey, lefty-tighty."
Nurse: "Don't you take computers apart and put them back together in your sleep?"
Ali Wong with a sadface: "Yes. Too bad she didn't drop her ring down a hard drive."
Doctor: "We need one of those things that grabs the pipe and yanks it in a twisting motion."
Nurse: "Like a wrench?"

More fun with Leo, Jim Carrey's stand-in from the movie "Yes Man".
Allie: "Leo, are you a kung fu master?"
Leo: "Absolutely. Also a master of the Japanese ninja techniques of infiltration and assassination."

Turns out Leo has a brain tumor. Well, so much for that briefly entertaining era in the show. Back to nails-on-a-chalkboard awkwardness, then? Righty-O. This time it's The Most Exceptional Plumber In All Five Boroughs- who's like 22 years old- and Ali Wong flirting. Wait, does labored self-deprecation fill the meanness requirement? If not, I don't think they're allowed to be into each other. Catherine and Bickman argue over surgery or radiation for Leo, and Catherine scores points when Bickman doesn't know his own intern's name. Which is super-relevant for medicine. Leo's brain starts to break. Mike domes his security guard with a chair and gets out of the room again. LOCKS, people. Doors have them for a reason. He attacks Dr. Mahmoud for trying to poison him, and holds a knife to her neck because rats are eating his brain. The magic of Catherine convinces him to drop the knife and let Dr. Mahmoud go. Because this episode isn't ridiculous enough yet, Ali Wong overhears Superplumber referring to Catherine's ring as "my preciousss", so they exchange LotR lines and geek out over each other. Catherine has to treat Mike- yeah, it wasn't bipolar, so suck it, other doctor- so Will keeps pushing the party back. Some unlucky orderly asks Leo if he's Dr. Bickman, which he says he is, so Leo ends up scrubbing in to perform Mike's brain biopsy. He gets into the OR. HE MAKES THE FIRST CUT. Least. Secure. Psychiatric. Facility. EVER. Bickman gets there and performs Mike's and Leo's procedures back to back. Bickman makes a small mistake on Leo, and when he fixes it, says,

"Hit me with the score of the Knicks game, willya?"

Ali Wong and Superplumber check all the pipes without finding the ring, then it falls out of one they already checked.

"My preciousss..."
/make out
"That was very un-Lena."
"I could get into un-Lena."

Will's speech at the party is even more amazing than Ali Wong's geek love. He proclaims his undying love in a tone of voice usually reserved for "Both teams played hard. It was a tough game, woulda liked to come away with the W, but we're just gonna take it one game at a time and I'm gonna do whatever I can to help the team win." Catherine gets the ring back from Superplumber before Will notices it's gone, then Will dances. Aww yeeuh. The last scene looks like the intro of a Law & Order: SVU. Delilah sits outside the restaurant, creepily watching the goings on, tears of hatred for Catherine streaming down her face. Team Delilah, baby. That's a team I'd like to help win.