I've been doing full-on geek stuff for the past week, so it was a nice change of pace when I woke up today to discover John Lester had been traded. The next few hours were chaos and for at least one day, Magic: the Gathering lore and Black Box hate took a back seat to pure trade deadline bliss. Let's get right to it.
-Oakland emerged as the best and ballsiest team in all of baseball. They traded their top two prospects to the Cubs for Jeff Samardzija and Jason Hammel, then when Hammel failed to impress, they traded Yoenis freaking Cespedes to Boston for John Lester and Johnny Gomes. The basic A's narrative has two things wrong. One is that they wanted a Proven Winner for the playoffs. Really it's all about holding off the Angels, winning the division, and dodging the entertaining but ultimately random Wild Card Game. Samardzija and Lester give them a better chance of doing that than Tom Milone, Jesse Chavez, and Fifth Starter Bingo. Now Chavez or Hammel is their number five and the Angels still have many of the same pitching issues they had two months ago. The second thing the narrative has wrong is that this puts the A's in the World Series. 2013 was the first time in several years that the best teams made it to the end. I think Oakland's activity this month subdues any argument for Detroit, Los Angeles, or any other team as the best in the AL. I also think that barely matters in October. The A's will make the playoffs and then something will happen. Meanwhile, Cespedes is a big get for the Red Sox' 2015 chances, and Addison Russell may or may not become a superstar in Chicago. It's been a July to remember for Billy Beane. Like everyone with a soul, I'm rooting for him.
-The Rays traded David Price, but not to any team anybody thought was involved. We heard the Dodgers, for Joc Pederson and Julio Urias. We heard St. Louis, for Oscar Taveras and Carlos Martinez. We heard Seattle, for Taijuan Walker and Nick Franklin. But in the end it was Detroit, a team with practically nothing in the farm system, that landed the big fish. It cost them Austin Jackson and Drew Smyly, the former going to Seattle for Franklin, who was then sent on to Tampa. My immediate reaction was I couldn't believe how little Tampa Bay got. Five hours later, I'm still pretty much there. Maybe Smyly will get a little bit better and be a 2 instead of a 3 or 4. Maybe Franklin will blossom into an impact middle infielder. Maybe 18-year-old shortstop Willy Adames will prove to be the key to the deal five years down the road. More likely, I think the Rays just never had the chance to cash in Price for what we all thought he was worth, and figured this offer was better than anything they would see over the winter. The Tigers will miss Austin Jackson on both sides of the ball, but when you have a chance to go Price-Scherzer-Sanchez in the playoffs, you have to do it. Seattle may have quietly gotten the best of the trade. They've needed a plus center fielder for years, and now they have one through 2015. If Kendrys Morales starts to hit and Jackson does his thing, maybe we can't write the M's off just yet.
-We've got our second Boston Blowup in less than two years. In sum, they swapped Peavy, Lester, Lackey, Stephen Drew, Felix Doubront, and Andrew Miller for Cespedes, Allen Craig, Joe Kelly, Kelly Johnson, Baltimore's third-best pitching prospect, and the #2 and #11 prospects from San Francisco's fairly weak farm system. The plan of trusting Jackie Bradley, Jr. and Will Middlebrooks this year didn't work out, so they doubled down on youth without getting anything really close to an elite prospect (Edwin Escobar from San Francisco and Eduardo Rodriguez from Baltimore both ranked in the bottom half of preseason top 100 lists.) Boston is sure to go big in free agency or trades this winter, but nothing short of signing Lester back along with Max Scherzer is going to make this pitching staff look workable. And given Boston's analytical nature, I don't see them making the kind of offer those pitchers will end up accepting.
-The Yankees are back. Taking on Brandon McCarthy, Chase Headley, Stephen Drew, and Martin Prado over the course of the month, mercifully ending the Vidal Nuno/Kelly Johnson/Brian Roberts experiment, was a quiet but definitive statement. Of course, if Tanaka ends up needing the Tommy John, it's probably all for naught. But Brian Cashman did the best he could with what he had, and now I won't be surprised at all if they overtake Toronto and Baltimore, neither of whom really moved the needle this month. On the other side of two of those trades was Arizona GM Kevin Towers, whose body of work with the Diamondbacks suggests he's a sleeper agent working for another NL West team.
-Cleveland cashed in two impending free agents in Justin Masterson and Asdrubal Cabrera for two potentially useful young players. Not earth-shattering news, but I just wanted to say I'm mildly in favor of something that happened in Cleveland.
-To me, the most fascinating deal was the Marlins-Astros trade. Miami sent three prospects- OF Jake Marisnick, 3B Colin Moran, and P Francis Martes- along with a 2015 draft pick to Houston for SP Jarred Cosart, SS Enrique Hernandez, and minor league OF Austin Wates. Marisnick and Moran entered 2014 as two of Miami's top three prospects. Marisnick has failed in a few auditions with the Marlins so his departure was somewhat expected, but I was flabbergasted to see Moran moved in anything short of a Price/Zobrist deal. That said, Cosart is a 24-year-old major league starting pitcher who will be under team control through 2019, and Hernandez made the majors this year at age 22 and hit quite well for a shortstop. Wates is old for a prospect at 25, but his AAA numbers are at least mildly intriguing. For Miami, it's an acknowledgement that their own young pitching isn't quite ready yet, and that Adeiny Hechavarria is not the answer at short. Houston's end of the deal is more about picking up value and upside than winning Major League Baseball games right now. Moran was the sixth pick in the 2013 draft, Marisnick hasn't yet shown he can hit major league pitching but has been a regular on prospect lists for years, Martes is a lottery ticket, and everybody loves draft picks. This trade excites me- hell, every trade made today excites me- because instead of seeing prospect-for-veteran, we saw veteran-for-veteran and prospect-for-prospect deals. I don't know who won this trade, and I won't know for five or six years, but it significantly altered the future for both of these teams.
Now, a lightning round on teams that did nothing or close to it.
Dodgers: I would tell Dodger fans who wanted Price or Hamels not to get greedy, but the thing is, any amount of greed I can imagine has already been satisfied by the Guggenheim Partners and Ned Coletti. The Dodgers are fine and will probably win the NL West going away, and they're still lucky enough to have three very good to elite prospects. Kudos to Coletti for not screwing that up.
Rockies: Would have loved to see a Tulo or CarGo blockbuster. Today didn't really need it to be a joy to behold, but how great would it be if Tulo was heading to Seattle right now?
Pirates: This one I can't justify. Without a starting pitcher acquisition, I see them falling off the pace in the near future. At least 2015 and beyond still looks pretty good.
Reds: I think the window just closed. I also think they know that.
Phillies: As I said at the start of the season, they're further away from contention than any other team. Nothing that's happened since then has brought them any closer. I'm not sure if it's Ruben Amaro or the owners' fault, but the job isn't getting done.
Rangers: They let a crisis go to waste here. Usually unloading veterans would turn off the fickle Dallas fans, but they're already at Cowboys Stadium so there's nothing to worry about.
White Sox: Just keep doin' your thing, Rick. We'll be fine.
Royals: Doing nothing was the best option here. I'm sure Dayton Moore tried to go nuclear and get Price or someone.
Orioles: They might be good enough to win the division anyway, but man, this would be one uninspiring playoff team.
Blue Jays: Maybe they just aren't as good as they looked for the first two months. Whether it's lack of money or lack of prospects, we're still waiting for that Marlins trade to turn them into a World Series team by itself. I'd like to see them get to an ALDS, but it's hard to envision at this point.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Terrible TV: Black Box, Episode 5
It's the middle of the night, late July. An affluent suburb. 79 degrees and cloudy. Are we gonna write about the flurry of recent baseball trades? Or maybe about the first known information on Kahns of Tarkir, and the subsequent hilarrogant nerdrage that precedes every Magic set? Hell no. We got Black Box to watch. Will Catherine go off her meds again? Will she stay with Will, or sleep with Bickman? Will Reagan ever smile? I don't care about any of those things! Let's do this!
Our patient tonight, Jacob, is a hedge fund manager who gives away all his money and his awesome condo, and knows, like, tons of Hebrew. So we start with a Jerusalem syndrome diagnosis until yay medicine he's all better? Cool, more time to spend on the worst cast in TV doctordom. Turns out Bickman knows Jacob from a homeless shelter Jacob funded- and Bickman worked at- in Port au Prince. Woo hoo, more evidence this one dimensional 'actor' is playing a three dimensional person! He introduces Catherine as "Our star brainiac".
"The Meyers just joined the board at The Cube, so make sure they get VIP treatment."
"All our patients get VIP treatment, Bick."
Yeah. You know, until some unattended and seriously ill patient busts out of his room brandishing a sharp object. Then it's every motherfucker for themselves.
Bossman is meeting with our old friend Edward Hermann, who's happy to have undergone radiation and still be alive. Uh oh, you know it can't be good when they bring the camera to these meetings. No symptoms and no tumor growth, his son's forgiven him, and he's got a 3-year-old grandson he just met. Can't have happy people on this show. Do your thing, Bossman! He offers a new experimental treatment that could add two years to Edward's life expectancy. No, Edward, walk away, walk away... Damn. He accepts. Nice knowing you, Edward. You were way, WAY too good for this show.
Jacob's wife ratchets the unlikability up to about a 14. She's all about the snide comments. Not even about Jacob's Messiah complex and how potentially damaging it could be, just that he's too busy offering prayers of various purposes to walk the damn dog. So am I the only one who ends up in the awkward position of rooting for the crazy to win every episode? Not the crazy person, just the crazy. After hearing Jacob's wife talk for 10 seconds I want Jerusalem Syndrome to spread through The Cube like wildfire. I don't know how they could make the sane family members any less supportive and appealing. Give away her wardrobe and her cars too, Jacob. Camel. Eye of a needle. Couldn't be clearer.
Superplumber is trying to seduce Ali Wong into leaving The Cube on the promise of cronuts.
"Imagine if a croissant had a baby with a donut."
"Oh, that sounds like a delicious baby."
Wait. Was that... Was that an attempt at the funny that actually kinda, sorta, didn't miss? I mean, it's not on the same comedic level as Vanessa Redgrave dispensing advice while her eyes scream "Please let me go", or Reagan's fear of Esme finding out about her adoption being the single biggest clue Esme could ever have about her adoption, or Bickman being the hunk. Not even close to that funny. But hey, any joke on this show not rooted in "man bad" or "doctoring hard but me good" catches me off guard. Still, cronuts are a no go for Ali Wong, so Superplumber sweeps her off her feet and kisses her in the cafeteria to show her what she's missing by not "moving this thing forward." Bickman sleazily approves because he's already been in a couple scenes and hasn't yet reminded us that he's in favor of heterosexual sex. Apparently, whether or not he's involved. Most narcissists wouldn't care. Whatever.
Edward Hermann gets dizzy and his nose starts bleeding right after his first experimental treatment. Dammit, Edward. You shouldn't have taken the camera into your meeting with Bossman. Strike one. You shouldn't have agreed to the treatment. Strike two. And you sure as shit shouldn't have brought the camera home with you where it can hurt your son and grandson, too. Strike three. Turns out the cancer had already spread to the liver, so yeah, he gon' die.
Bossman: "LFTs were through the roof."
Edward Hermann, finally at peace: "Does this mean I don't have to be on the show anymore?"
Superplumber brings Ali Wong a cronut, and she rewards him by banging him her secret bedroom off of the imaging lab. Because that's a thing people have.
The nurse and the resident on staff bring Jacob and another patient outside to get lobster- I know, right?- then take their eyes off the patients for long enough for both of them to kill somebody or just run out into traffic. Look, I know they said it's a neurological center and not a psych ward, but nobody involved with making this show knows what either of those things are. When it's for the sake of a good story or some lovably trashy sexy time, I have no problem with doctors doing dumb crap. But this show is a constant maelstrom of antisocial and/or stupid behavior, poorly established mental illness, and pure anarchy within the walls of a facility housing the OMG BEST BRAIN DOCTORS EVERRR and like one security guard. Nothing ever brings us back to a "But damn, they get the job done." moment other than being told, many times in an hour, how mindblowingly amazing they all are while they're busy trying to stick their dicks and/or their crazy into places it doesn't belong. If this were a real place, every day would be like the mass murder episode of Grey's Anatomy. Every. Single. Day.
Bossman: "Just out of curiosity, does anybody in this room believe in god?"
Bickman: "Have you seen me operate? I AM GOD!"
Ali Wong: "I believe in god. She's awesome."
Bossman: [what the atheist says at the beginning of a Chick Tract. He's interrupted right before he gets to the part where he admits to the emptiness within that he really knows only the one true God can fill]
Yeah, all the scientists are sciency, and Catherine the bipolar one is the only one who can see the light, or at least wants to. I gotta say, divine-inspired delusions are probably the highlight of mania for me. They're fucking incredible. Catherine later meets with Edward Hermann and Bossman to talk about death. At this point I'm fairly certain all the writers for the show are high all the time, because I know exactly what high conversations about god and death sound like. And they sound ridiculous coming out of these characters. I swear I wrote that before Catherine suggests Edward Hermann take psilocybin. Looks like we're goin' shrooming.
OK, this is all terrible and it's gone on long enough. Lightning Round. Jacob's wife gets even more horrible on him, then Jacob has a seizure which means it's treatable. No more God for him. Catherine gives Edward Hermann a capsule of pure pharmaceutical grade psilocybin, and keeps the rest. Superplumber lays down an ultimatum and demands an off-Cube date with Ali Wong. Edward Hermann has a good trip and Bossman asks Catherine if he can trip too. The "no" really bums him out. Ali Wong stands up Superplumber. Jacob goes back to being a fat cat, showing more range than our two leads combined. His wife is still terrible. Catherine and Bickman talk briefly about his charity work.
Catherine: "I think you're complicated."
Bickman: "You're wrong. You just don't understand me."
Sigh. Where's gun violence when you need it. Josh catches Esme and her new boyfriend getting stoned. Will puts the psilocybin in hot chocolate because he thinks it's cinnamon and he and Catherine both drink some. Then Catherine has to go give Esme the drug talk and starts tripping in the middle. Will also trips. I want to laugh at this, but it's just too uncomfortable and unnecessary. Esme does make a cute butterfly though. Edward Hermann dies and Bossman calls Catherine to tell her the news while she walks home tripping. She goes into a church and the Virgin Mary gives her a thumbs up. That's literally how this one ends. Virgin Mary. Thumbs up. Why.
Our patient tonight, Jacob, is a hedge fund manager who gives away all his money and his awesome condo, and knows, like, tons of Hebrew. So we start with a Jerusalem syndrome diagnosis until yay medicine he's all better? Cool, more time to spend on the worst cast in TV doctordom. Turns out Bickman knows Jacob from a homeless shelter Jacob funded- and Bickman worked at- in Port au Prince. Woo hoo, more evidence this one dimensional 'actor' is playing a three dimensional person! He introduces Catherine as "Our star brainiac".
"The Meyers just joined the board at The Cube, so make sure they get VIP treatment."
"All our patients get VIP treatment, Bick."
Yeah. You know, until some unattended and seriously ill patient busts out of his room brandishing a sharp object. Then it's every motherfucker for themselves.
Bossman is meeting with our old friend Edward Hermann, who's happy to have undergone radiation and still be alive. Uh oh, you know it can't be good when they bring the camera to these meetings. No symptoms and no tumor growth, his son's forgiven him, and he's got a 3-year-old grandson he just met. Can't have happy people on this show. Do your thing, Bossman! He offers a new experimental treatment that could add two years to Edward's life expectancy. No, Edward, walk away, walk away... Damn. He accepts. Nice knowing you, Edward. You were way, WAY too good for this show.
Jacob's wife ratchets the unlikability up to about a 14. She's all about the snide comments. Not even about Jacob's Messiah complex and how potentially damaging it could be, just that he's too busy offering prayers of various purposes to walk the damn dog. So am I the only one who ends up in the awkward position of rooting for the crazy to win every episode? Not the crazy person, just the crazy. After hearing Jacob's wife talk for 10 seconds I want Jerusalem Syndrome to spread through The Cube like wildfire. I don't know how they could make the sane family members any less supportive and appealing. Give away her wardrobe and her cars too, Jacob. Camel. Eye of a needle. Couldn't be clearer.
Superplumber is trying to seduce Ali Wong into leaving The Cube on the promise of cronuts.
"Imagine if a croissant had a baby with a donut."
"Oh, that sounds like a delicious baby."
Wait. Was that... Was that an attempt at the funny that actually kinda, sorta, didn't miss? I mean, it's not on the same comedic level as Vanessa Redgrave dispensing advice while her eyes scream "Please let me go", or Reagan's fear of Esme finding out about her adoption being the single biggest clue Esme could ever have about her adoption, or Bickman being the hunk. Not even close to that funny. But hey, any joke on this show not rooted in "man bad" or "doctoring hard but me good" catches me off guard. Still, cronuts are a no go for Ali Wong, so Superplumber sweeps her off her feet and kisses her in the cafeteria to show her what she's missing by not "moving this thing forward." Bickman sleazily approves because he's already been in a couple scenes and hasn't yet reminded us that he's in favor of heterosexual sex. Apparently, whether or not he's involved. Most narcissists wouldn't care. Whatever.
Edward Hermann gets dizzy and his nose starts bleeding right after his first experimental treatment. Dammit, Edward. You shouldn't have taken the camera into your meeting with Bossman. Strike one. You shouldn't have agreed to the treatment. Strike two. And you sure as shit shouldn't have brought the camera home with you where it can hurt your son and grandson, too. Strike three. Turns out the cancer had already spread to the liver, so yeah, he gon' die.
Bossman: "LFTs were through the roof."
Edward Hermann, finally at peace: "Does this mean I don't have to be on the show anymore?"
Superplumber brings Ali Wong a cronut, and she rewards him by banging him her secret bedroom off of the imaging lab. Because that's a thing people have.
The nurse and the resident on staff bring Jacob and another patient outside to get lobster- I know, right?- then take their eyes off the patients for long enough for both of them to kill somebody or just run out into traffic. Look, I know they said it's a neurological center and not a psych ward, but nobody involved with making this show knows what either of those things are. When it's for the sake of a good story or some lovably trashy sexy time, I have no problem with doctors doing dumb crap. But this show is a constant maelstrom of antisocial and/or stupid behavior, poorly established mental illness, and pure anarchy within the walls of a facility housing the OMG BEST BRAIN DOCTORS EVERRR and like one security guard. Nothing ever brings us back to a "But damn, they get the job done." moment other than being told, many times in an hour, how mindblowingly amazing they all are while they're busy trying to stick their dicks and/or their crazy into places it doesn't belong. If this were a real place, every day would be like the mass murder episode of Grey's Anatomy. Every. Single. Day.
Bossman: "Just out of curiosity, does anybody in this room believe in god?"
Bickman: "Have you seen me operate? I AM GOD!"
Ali Wong: "I believe in god. She's awesome."
Bossman: [what the atheist says at the beginning of a Chick Tract. He's interrupted right before he gets to the part where he admits to the emptiness within that he really knows only the one true God can fill]
Yeah, all the scientists are sciency, and Catherine the bipolar one is the only one who can see the light, or at least wants to. I gotta say, divine-inspired delusions are probably the highlight of mania for me. They're fucking incredible. Catherine later meets with Edward Hermann and Bossman to talk about death. At this point I'm fairly certain all the writers for the show are high all the time, because I know exactly what high conversations about god and death sound like. And they sound ridiculous coming out of these characters. I swear I wrote that before Catherine suggests Edward Hermann take psilocybin. Looks like we're goin' shrooming.
OK, this is all terrible and it's gone on long enough. Lightning Round. Jacob's wife gets even more horrible on him, then Jacob has a seizure which means it's treatable. No more God for him. Catherine gives Edward Hermann a capsule of pure pharmaceutical grade psilocybin, and keeps the rest. Superplumber lays down an ultimatum and demands an off-Cube date with Ali Wong. Edward Hermann has a good trip and Bossman asks Catherine if he can trip too. The "no" really bums him out. Ali Wong stands up Superplumber. Jacob goes back to being a fat cat, showing more range than our two leads combined. His wife is still terrible. Catherine and Bickman talk briefly about his charity work.
Catherine: "I think you're complicated."
Bickman: "You're wrong. You just don't understand me."
Sigh. Where's gun violence when you need it. Josh catches Esme and her new boyfriend getting stoned. Will puts the psilocybin in hot chocolate because he thinks it's cinnamon and he and Catherine both drink some. Then Catherine has to go give Esme the drug talk and starts tripping in the middle. Will also trips. I want to laugh at this, but it's just too uncomfortable and unnecessary. Esme does make a cute butterfly though. Edward Hermann dies and Bossman calls Catherine to tell her the news while she walks home tripping. She goes into a church and the Virgin Mary gives her a thumbs up. That's literally how this one ends. Virgin Mary. Thumbs up. Why.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Terrible TV: Black Box, Episode 4
I think my problem with this show starts with Kelly Reilly. I mean, it's hard enough to get used to Grey's Anatomy's Ellen Pompeo and Justin Chambers as doctors when they act like high schoolers, but at least they act like the kind of high schoolers who might one day become doctors. Kelly Reilly acts like the kind of high schooler who wears a lot of black, randomly hisses at people, and gets her cigarettes from her 28-year-old boyfriend. Her appearance, attitude, and dialogue scream "heroin addict", not "Marco Polo of the brain". She can do the mania thing with some verisimilitude, but we haven't seen an instant of depression yet and she doesn't really act medicated when she's supposed to be acting medicated. It's possible that actors who can act like doctors just wouldn't make for a watchable show. This occurred to me after watching episode 3: Has TV's endless quest for relatability brought us to a point where everyone has seventh-grade vocabularies and personalities, no matter how smart they're supposed to be or how intellectually demanding their jobs are? I mean, I love me some Grey's, but they're among the worst offenders in all this. Ugh. I just got done re-watching 24, and other than the A+ writing and editing, the thing that really set that show apart was Dennis Haysbert. He was an adult in the room having adult conversations, and he was brilliant. Dear President Palmer, please stop trying to sell me insurance. Come back and instill our nation with truth and honor again. Wayne can come too.
So we're up to episode 4. This should end Act 1 of the series, but that suggests some kind of plot arc. At this point, I think we just need to settle in and enjoy the mean spirited jackassery that Black Box specializes in. Starting off...
Leo and the other med student- Her name is Allie, which I'm spelling that way so I don't have to stop referring to Ali Wong as such- are a great example of what I was saying. Talking about rising to the top of their exclusive and demanding field, and acting like children. You know, if "They're just like us!" is a compliment to 'us', it's an insult to 'they'. Just saying. Catherine introduces Bickman to Will. Catherine again uses Will as a prop- this time to establish she is really, for sure, no backsies, not sleeping with Bickman anymore.
"He's a chef. And you're a snob."
"The Marco Polo of the brain doesn't even know her own mind. Hey, what do you guys talk about anyway? Quinoa?"
Lol food not as hard as doctoring lol. Above the elevator door is a quote from Rainer Maria Rilke: "I want to be with those who know secret things or else alone." He was talking about wisdom and truth, not who's banging who, but hey, tomato, tomahto. Leo's being brain-scanned to see what hypermemory looks like. Allie's jealous because she's, potentially, the first realistic and likable person on this show. Crap, I hope I didn't just jinx...
"We get it. Your mommy only loved you when you excelled so you're constantly seeking female validation of your badass brainpower."
Dammit. Dammit dammit dammit. Every woman on this show is a passive-aggressive bitch and every man is a massively overcompensating big swingin' dick. Except for Ali Wong, who isn't actually real because she's the internet's wet dream, and the elderly actors, who I still have hope will be returned home safe one day soon. You're in our thoughts, Vanessa and Edward. Stay strong. At least we find out Leo's memory thing is actually covering up some kind of hyperactive delusion.
Will tells Catherine the restaurant staff is throwing them an engagement party that night, because doctors can just blow off work whenever.
"Will whatshername be there?"
"You mean Delilah. No, not if you don't want her there."
"No, I could care less. I don't want her within a hundred miles."
Yep. This is borderline behavior, not bipolar, but I'm sure I'm the only one keeping score. She shows Ali Wong the ring, so Ali Wong gets to be cute for a minute, and then they drop the ring down the sink. Luckily, Josh knows "the most exceptional plumber in all five boroughs." Christ. Why can't he just "know a guy"?
Our patient this week is Michael, a guy bossman met in the park playing chess. He's at least manic and probably on coke. He gets out of his room and runs up to the doctors, because this is the least secure psychiatric facility in the country. This will come into play multiple times. Catherine sees something diagnosable, offending Dr. Mahmoud, the staff psychiatrist. Again- real doctors would talk about this. High school students would snipe and backbite. Guess which way this is going. Turns out Michael is a laid-off cop who started drinking heavily. Dr. Mahmoud says he has bipolar.
Elmira, Mike's wife: "Are you saying he's crazy? Mike is NOT crazy!"
We have a strawman. 'Bout time someone showed up to make the writers' ignorance seem less glaring. At the restaurant, Delilah tries to jump Will's bones and he rejects her. Meanwhile, Ali Wong, a doctor, a nurse, and another guy are trying to fix the ring disaster.
Ali Wong: "I'm pretty sure it's righty-loosey, lefty-tighty."
Nurse: "Don't you take computers apart and put them back together in your sleep?"
Ali Wong with a sadface: "Yes. Too bad she didn't drop her ring down a hard drive."
Doctor: "We need one of those things that grabs the pipe and yanks it in a twisting motion."
Nurse: "Like a wrench?"
More fun with Leo, Jim Carrey's stand-in from the movie "Yes Man".
Allie: "Leo, are you a kung fu master?"
Leo: "Absolutely. Also a master of the Japanese ninja techniques of infiltration and assassination."
Turns out Leo has a brain tumor. Well, so much for that briefly entertaining era in the show. Back to nails-on-a-chalkboard awkwardness, then? Righty-O. This time it's The Most Exceptional Plumber In All Five Boroughs- who's like 22 years old- and Ali Wong flirting. Wait, does labored self-deprecation fill the meanness requirement? If not, I don't think they're allowed to be into each other. Catherine and Bickman argue over surgery or radiation for Leo, and Catherine scores points when Bickman doesn't know his own intern's name. Which is super-relevant for medicine. Leo's brain starts to break. Mike domes his security guard with a chair and gets out of the room again. LOCKS, people. Doors have them for a reason. He attacks Dr. Mahmoud for trying to poison him, and holds a knife to her neck because rats are eating his brain. The magic of Catherine convinces him to drop the knife and let Dr. Mahmoud go. Because this episode isn't ridiculous enough yet, Ali Wong overhears Superplumber referring to Catherine's ring as "my preciousss", so they exchange LotR lines and geek out over each other. Catherine has to treat Mike- yeah, it wasn't bipolar, so suck it, other doctor- so Will keeps pushing the party back. Some unlucky orderly asks Leo if he's Dr. Bickman, which he says he is, so Leo ends up scrubbing in to perform Mike's brain biopsy. He gets into the OR. HE MAKES THE FIRST CUT. Least. Secure. Psychiatric. Facility. EVER. Bickman gets there and performs Mike's and Leo's procedures back to back. Bickman makes a small mistake on Leo, and when he fixes it, says,
"Hit me with the score of the Knicks game, willya?"
Ali Wong and Superplumber check all the pipes without finding the ring, then it falls out of one they already checked.
"My preciousss..."
/make out
"That was very un-Lena."
"I could get into un-Lena."
Will's speech at the party is even more amazing than Ali Wong's geek love. He proclaims his undying love in a tone of voice usually reserved for "Both teams played hard. It was a tough game, woulda liked to come away with the W, but we're just gonna take it one game at a time and I'm gonna do whatever I can to help the team win." Catherine gets the ring back from Superplumber before Will notices it's gone, then Will dances. Aww yeeuh. The last scene looks like the intro of a Law & Order: SVU. Delilah sits outside the restaurant, creepily watching the goings on, tears of hatred for Catherine streaming down her face. Team Delilah, baby. That's a team I'd like to help win.
So we're up to episode 4. This should end Act 1 of the series, but that suggests some kind of plot arc. At this point, I think we just need to settle in and enjoy the mean spirited jackassery that Black Box specializes in. Starting off...
Leo and the other med student- Her name is Allie, which I'm spelling that way so I don't have to stop referring to Ali Wong as such- are a great example of what I was saying. Talking about rising to the top of their exclusive and demanding field, and acting like children. You know, if "They're just like us!" is a compliment to 'us', it's an insult to 'they'. Just saying. Catherine introduces Bickman to Will. Catherine again uses Will as a prop- this time to establish she is really, for sure, no backsies, not sleeping with Bickman anymore.
"He's a chef. And you're a snob."
"The Marco Polo of the brain doesn't even know her own mind. Hey, what do you guys talk about anyway? Quinoa?"
Lol food not as hard as doctoring lol. Above the elevator door is a quote from Rainer Maria Rilke: "I want to be with those who know secret things or else alone." He was talking about wisdom and truth, not who's banging who, but hey, tomato, tomahto. Leo's being brain-scanned to see what hypermemory looks like. Allie's jealous because she's, potentially, the first realistic and likable person on this show. Crap, I hope I didn't just jinx...
"We get it. Your mommy only loved you when you excelled so you're constantly seeking female validation of your badass brainpower."
Dammit. Dammit dammit dammit. Every woman on this show is a passive-aggressive bitch and every man is a massively overcompensating big swingin' dick. Except for Ali Wong, who isn't actually real because she's the internet's wet dream, and the elderly actors, who I still have hope will be returned home safe one day soon. You're in our thoughts, Vanessa and Edward. Stay strong. At least we find out Leo's memory thing is actually covering up some kind of hyperactive delusion.
Will tells Catherine the restaurant staff is throwing them an engagement party that night, because doctors can just blow off work whenever.
"Will whatshername be there?"
"You mean Delilah. No, not if you don't want her there."
"No, I could care less. I don't want her within a hundred miles."
Yep. This is borderline behavior, not bipolar, but I'm sure I'm the only one keeping score. She shows Ali Wong the ring, so Ali Wong gets to be cute for a minute, and then they drop the ring down the sink. Luckily, Josh knows "the most exceptional plumber in all five boroughs." Christ. Why can't he just "know a guy"?
Our patient this week is Michael, a guy bossman met in the park playing chess. He's at least manic and probably on coke. He gets out of his room and runs up to the doctors, because this is the least secure psychiatric facility in the country. This will come into play multiple times. Catherine sees something diagnosable, offending Dr. Mahmoud, the staff psychiatrist. Again- real doctors would talk about this. High school students would snipe and backbite. Guess which way this is going. Turns out Michael is a laid-off cop who started drinking heavily. Dr. Mahmoud says he has bipolar.
Elmira, Mike's wife: "Are you saying he's crazy? Mike is NOT crazy!"
We have a strawman. 'Bout time someone showed up to make the writers' ignorance seem less glaring. At the restaurant, Delilah tries to jump Will's bones and he rejects her. Meanwhile, Ali Wong, a doctor, a nurse, and another guy are trying to fix the ring disaster.
Ali Wong: "I'm pretty sure it's righty-loosey, lefty-tighty."
Nurse: "Don't you take computers apart and put them back together in your sleep?"
Ali Wong with a sadface: "Yes. Too bad she didn't drop her ring down a hard drive."
Doctor: "We need one of those things that grabs the pipe and yanks it in a twisting motion."
Nurse: "Like a wrench?"
More fun with Leo, Jim Carrey's stand-in from the movie "Yes Man".
Allie: "Leo, are you a kung fu master?"
Leo: "Absolutely. Also a master of the Japanese ninja techniques of infiltration and assassination."
Turns out Leo has a brain tumor. Well, so much for that briefly entertaining era in the show. Back to nails-on-a-chalkboard awkwardness, then? Righty-O. This time it's The Most Exceptional Plumber In All Five Boroughs- who's like 22 years old- and Ali Wong flirting. Wait, does labored self-deprecation fill the meanness requirement? If not, I don't think they're allowed to be into each other. Catherine and Bickman argue over surgery or radiation for Leo, and Catherine scores points when Bickman doesn't know his own intern's name. Which is super-relevant for medicine. Leo's brain starts to break. Mike domes his security guard with a chair and gets out of the room again. LOCKS, people. Doors have them for a reason. He attacks Dr. Mahmoud for trying to poison him, and holds a knife to her neck because rats are eating his brain. The magic of Catherine convinces him to drop the knife and let Dr. Mahmoud go. Because this episode isn't ridiculous enough yet, Ali Wong overhears Superplumber referring to Catherine's ring as "my preciousss", so they exchange LotR lines and geek out over each other. Catherine has to treat Mike- yeah, it wasn't bipolar, so suck it, other doctor- so Will keeps pushing the party back. Some unlucky orderly asks Leo if he's Dr. Bickman, which he says he is, so Leo ends up scrubbing in to perform Mike's brain biopsy. He gets into the OR. HE MAKES THE FIRST CUT. Least. Secure. Psychiatric. Facility. EVER. Bickman gets there and performs Mike's and Leo's procedures back to back. Bickman makes a small mistake on Leo, and when he fixes it, says,
"Hit me with the score of the Knicks game, willya?"
Ali Wong and Superplumber check all the pipes without finding the ring, then it falls out of one they already checked.
"My preciousss..."
/make out
"That was very un-Lena."
"I could get into un-Lena."
Will's speech at the party is even more amazing than Ali Wong's geek love. He proclaims his undying love in a tone of voice usually reserved for "Both teams played hard. It was a tough game, woulda liked to come away with the W, but we're just gonna take it one game at a time and I'm gonna do whatever I can to help the team win." Catherine gets the ring back from Superplumber before Will notices it's gone, then Will dances. Aww yeeuh. The last scene looks like the intro of a Law & Order: SVU. Delilah sits outside the restaurant, creepily watching the goings on, tears of hatred for Catherine streaming down her face. Team Delilah, baby. That's a team I'd like to help win.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Terrible TV: Black Box, Episode 3
Episode 3. I can't believe it's going to get even worse, but it is.
*The Everlasting Dave reminds himself that he watches terrible TV so others don't have to and it's noble work *
Whew. OK. Let's get to it.
Mere hours after literally turning tail and running, Will's back and bringing Catherine breakfast in bed.
"I don't deserve this."
"You don't. You cheated on me in San Francisco."
That's an awesome explanation for why you made her breakfast. Maybe he poisoned it! Please be poisoned, please be poisoned... Damn. Catherine proceeds to explain her meds to him, and he confesses to sleeping with the hostess at his restaurant because no two characters on this show are allowed to converse without saying something horrible to each other. Why do either of these people have a significant other? At The Cube, they're all talking about the superhero surgery Bickman just performed. With a steak knife. At breakfast. On a world famous opera singer. Well, if you're going to be ridiculous, might as well go all the way. I wish they'd shown that, though. It might have been almost interesting. Ali Wong says Bickman's a psychopath; Catherine says "All men are." Because cheating is a sign of psychopathy now. Sigh. Blatant hypocrisy of our main character aside, let's talk about what a psychopath is. It's essentially an unrepentant narcissist with poor impulse control. To be a successful psychopath, you need a high level of cognitive function, because the mental gymnastics necessary to justify and get away with your antisocial and harmful behavior are complex and difficult. It involves blind spots in key areas such as empathy and morality, but it requires a heightened awareness of human nature and social norms that most people just don't have the capacity to hold in their heads. If you're saying all men have a flaw that makes them unfaithful, fine. Say "All men are stupid". Not psychotic. If you're going to throw red meat at your base, at least root it in fact, please.
[/rant]
Anyway, Ali Wong is going to be following Bickman around testing him for psychopathy with all the science of a Facebook survey. Reagan shows up at Catherine's office, and conditionally lifts the ban on her seeing Esme.
Reagan: "Esme has an assignment. She has to create a video documentary that serves as a self-portrait. Her premise statement is 'At 15, my own self is mutable. My identity comes from my family.'"
Holy self-awareness, Batman. That doesn't sound at all like something an adult would put in the script to give the impression that Esme's a smart girl.
"What I want you to do is for you to work harder to make it clear to her who I am. Her real- her only- mother."
Yeah, Esme knows. She just doesn't like pathologically unhappy, emotionally toxic people with teenage-level insecurity more than flighty neurologists who only call when they're bursting with joi de vivre. Few do. This isn't even necessary since Esme has no idea she's Catherine's daughter. The whole thing's nonsense to placate a grown-ass woman's crazy and nobody says a thing. Catherine agrees, cause what else are you gonna do.
Catherine's patient Mona has something in her brain, but it's obscured by Ali Wong and Catherine attempting banter, then deconstructing why they fail at banter. Did they know this was going to be televised, or did Kelly Reilly and Ali Wong just get high and try to have a conversation? The world may never know. Mona has brain problems but brain surgery doesn't usually fix bitter divorcee-itis. Sucks for her.
"You are a nerd." -Catherine, to Ali Wong
Ali Wong: /looks hot
Bickman kicks the OB out of the OR while doing brain surgery on a pregnant woman, and then does an emergency C-section by himself. Because best surgeon ever. Catherine goes to the restaurant for the express purpose of intimidating Delilah, the hostess who slept with Will. Seriously? They named the seductive young hottie Delilah? OK. We're going with Delilah, and you can just sign me up for Team Delilah till the end of this 12-episode train wreck. Will and Catherine make out in the kitchen.
Will: "What was that?"
Catherine: "Marking my territory."
Obvious thing is obvious.
The med student who isn't a freak of memory is interviewing a lesbian couple, one of whom doesn't recognize her partner and thinks she's an impostor. It's Capgras Syndrome, which appears to be a real thing. Too bad this whole plotline is just an excuse to use the phrase "lesbian bed death". Sad words, those three together. This show already makes me angry because of the stupidity and the treatment of mental illness, but now it's just bumming me out.
Reagan's filming Esme outside of The Cube, and Esme's snapping a rubber band against her wrist, like Catherine always does.
Reagan: "Stop doing that. It's a nervous habit; I'm gonna point it out every time you do it."
Bickman sleazes all over Esme's documentary, then leaves. Catherine does some medicine or something, I guess. On Esme's way out, Catherine explains Capgras Syndrome to her.
Esme: "Maybe I have that. I always have that feeling that my mother's not my mother. Maybe I was adopted."
Catherine: /overly intense insistence that Reagan is Esme's mom
I guess that's exactly what Reagan asked for. The scene didn't ring true- imagine that. Mona's getting worse, and Bickman knows her from his volunteer work at a homeless shelter. That's one way we can see Bickman as a multifaceted person that doesn't require Ditch Davey to act, I guess.
Catherine: "You're not a psychopath. They usually don't volunteer at homeless shelters." Unless they're smart enough to cover their tracks. But shit, to be that smart you'd have to be some kind of brain surgeon, right? Catherine and Bickman run into Delilah outside The Cube, and Catherine sends Bickman away so they can have an awesome, catty, paranoid, and hurtful conversation. Damn, here I was hoping Delilah would be the first normal person on the show despite her name. Instead, she twists the knife all the way around, pulls it out, turns Catherine around, and jams it back in. That took verbal cruelty to a new level. Catherine slaps Delilah's smoothie out of her hand and threatens her. Will and Catherine fight about it later, get jealous and mean, and wind up in bed because the only way to get turned on in the Black Boxiverse is to have someone be really cold and hurtful to you.
Catherine: "I love you."
Will: "Who?"
Wait, what? OK, now Catherine's putting the ring back on. Most boring troubled relationship ever. Perfunctory medical show wrap up, blah blah blah, breaking hospital rules to save Mona, Mona is still a horrible person, lesbians are happy, we get to hear Ali Wong talking about happy lesbians having hot sex. Her words, not mine. Easily the highlight of the show so far.
Med student: "They had two problems: the Capgras syndrome and (three sad words). I realized they could use one to solve the other."
That's amazing! It's also exactly what the lesbians were doing before they came in for the study, so you accomplished nothing! Then Reagan expects Esme to like her new shirt because it's just like the one Catherine was wearing, and instead Esme gives her shit for it. Reagan wants mom points and friend points and won't be happy until she has everything and Catherine has nothing. She watches Esme's documentary. It's all about Catherine, and it ends with her doing the rubber band snapping. Reagan is jealous and horrified at the idea that fifteen year old Esme- who at this point is the smartest character on a show about doctors- might connect the dots.
This one was easy to burn through because it went a little easier on the stupid and a little heavier on the boring. It won't last. We'll be meeting Will's family pretty soon.
*The Everlasting Dave reminds himself that he watches terrible TV so others don't have to and it's noble work *
Whew. OK. Let's get to it.
Mere hours after literally turning tail and running, Will's back and bringing Catherine breakfast in bed.
"I don't deserve this."
"You don't. You cheated on me in San Francisco."
That's an awesome explanation for why you made her breakfast. Maybe he poisoned it! Please be poisoned, please be poisoned... Damn. Catherine proceeds to explain her meds to him, and he confesses to sleeping with the hostess at his restaurant because no two characters on this show are allowed to converse without saying something horrible to each other. Why do either of these people have a significant other? At The Cube, they're all talking about the superhero surgery Bickman just performed. With a steak knife. At breakfast. On a world famous opera singer. Well, if you're going to be ridiculous, might as well go all the way. I wish they'd shown that, though. It might have been almost interesting. Ali Wong says Bickman's a psychopath; Catherine says "All men are." Because cheating is a sign of psychopathy now. Sigh. Blatant hypocrisy of our main character aside, let's talk about what a psychopath is. It's essentially an unrepentant narcissist with poor impulse control. To be a successful psychopath, you need a high level of cognitive function, because the mental gymnastics necessary to justify and get away with your antisocial and harmful behavior are complex and difficult. It involves blind spots in key areas such as empathy and morality, but it requires a heightened awareness of human nature and social norms that most people just don't have the capacity to hold in their heads. If you're saying all men have a flaw that makes them unfaithful, fine. Say "All men are stupid". Not psychotic. If you're going to throw red meat at your base, at least root it in fact, please.
[/rant]
Anyway, Ali Wong is going to be following Bickman around testing him for psychopathy with all the science of a Facebook survey. Reagan shows up at Catherine's office, and conditionally lifts the ban on her seeing Esme.
Reagan: "Esme has an assignment. She has to create a video documentary that serves as a self-portrait. Her premise statement is 'At 15, my own self is mutable. My identity comes from my family.'"
Holy self-awareness, Batman. That doesn't sound at all like something an adult would put in the script to give the impression that Esme's a smart girl.
"What I want you to do is for you to work harder to make it clear to her who I am. Her real- her only- mother."
Yeah, Esme knows. She just doesn't like pathologically unhappy, emotionally toxic people with teenage-level insecurity more than flighty neurologists who only call when they're bursting with joi de vivre. Few do. This isn't even necessary since Esme has no idea she's Catherine's daughter. The whole thing's nonsense to placate a grown-ass woman's crazy and nobody says a thing. Catherine agrees, cause what else are you gonna do.
Catherine's patient Mona has something in her brain, but it's obscured by Ali Wong and Catherine attempting banter, then deconstructing why they fail at banter. Did they know this was going to be televised, or did Kelly Reilly and Ali Wong just get high and try to have a conversation? The world may never know. Mona has brain problems but brain surgery doesn't usually fix bitter divorcee-itis. Sucks for her.
"You are a nerd." -Catherine, to Ali Wong
Ali Wong: /looks hot
Bickman kicks the OB out of the OR while doing brain surgery on a pregnant woman, and then does an emergency C-section by himself. Because best surgeon ever. Catherine goes to the restaurant for the express purpose of intimidating Delilah, the hostess who slept with Will. Seriously? They named the seductive young hottie Delilah? OK. We're going with Delilah, and you can just sign me up for Team Delilah till the end of this 12-episode train wreck. Will and Catherine make out in the kitchen.
Will: "What was that?"
Catherine: "Marking my territory."
Obvious thing is obvious.
The med student who isn't a freak of memory is interviewing a lesbian couple, one of whom doesn't recognize her partner and thinks she's an impostor. It's Capgras Syndrome, which appears to be a real thing. Too bad this whole plotline is just an excuse to use the phrase "lesbian bed death". Sad words, those three together. This show already makes me angry because of the stupidity and the treatment of mental illness, but now it's just bumming me out.
Reagan's filming Esme outside of The Cube, and Esme's snapping a rubber band against her wrist, like Catherine always does.
Reagan: "Stop doing that. It's a nervous habit; I'm gonna point it out every time you do it."
Bickman sleazes all over Esme's documentary, then leaves. Catherine does some medicine or something, I guess. On Esme's way out, Catherine explains Capgras Syndrome to her.
Esme: "Maybe I have that. I always have that feeling that my mother's not my mother. Maybe I was adopted."
Catherine: /overly intense insistence that Reagan is Esme's mom
I guess that's exactly what Reagan asked for. The scene didn't ring true- imagine that. Mona's getting worse, and Bickman knows her from his volunteer work at a homeless shelter. That's one way we can see Bickman as a multifaceted person that doesn't require Ditch Davey to act, I guess.
Catherine: "You're not a psychopath. They usually don't volunteer at homeless shelters." Unless they're smart enough to cover their tracks. But shit, to be that smart you'd have to be some kind of brain surgeon, right? Catherine and Bickman run into Delilah outside The Cube, and Catherine sends Bickman away so they can have an awesome, catty, paranoid, and hurtful conversation. Damn, here I was hoping Delilah would be the first normal person on the show despite her name. Instead, she twists the knife all the way around, pulls it out, turns Catherine around, and jams it back in. That took verbal cruelty to a new level. Catherine slaps Delilah's smoothie out of her hand and threatens her. Will and Catherine fight about it later, get jealous and mean, and wind up in bed because the only way to get turned on in the Black Boxiverse is to have someone be really cold and hurtful to you.
Catherine: "I love you."
Will: "Who?"
Wait, what? OK, now Catherine's putting the ring back on. Most boring troubled relationship ever. Perfunctory medical show wrap up, blah blah blah, breaking hospital rules to save Mona, Mona is still a horrible person, lesbians are happy, we get to hear Ali Wong talking about happy lesbians having hot sex. Her words, not mine. Easily the highlight of the show so far.
Med student: "They had two problems: the Capgras syndrome and (three sad words). I realized they could use one to solve the other."
That's amazing! It's also exactly what the lesbians were doing before they came in for the study, so you accomplished nothing! Then Reagan expects Esme to like her new shirt because it's just like the one Catherine was wearing, and instead Esme gives her shit for it. Reagan wants mom points and friend points and won't be happy until she has everything and Catherine has nothing. She watches Esme's documentary. It's all about Catherine, and it ends with her doing the rubber band snapping. Reagan is jealous and horrified at the idea that fifteen year old Esme- who at this point is the smartest character on a show about doctors- might connect the dots.
This one was easy to burn through because it went a little easier on the stupid and a little heavier on the boring. It won't last. We'll be meeting Will's family pretty soon.
Terrible TV: Black Box, Episode 2
Sometimes, I actually like having bipolar. I'm in one of those times right now. Aside from all the cool stuff that has no place in a Terrible Television post- or anywhere other than a therapy session- I feel fantastic all day, then I take the mood stabilizers and fall asleep. Let's try to bang out Episode 2 of the worst doctor show ever before I stabilize.
We're doing the House thing, where we meet the patient first. Her name's Carrie, she's a nanny, and her head explodes. Blood everywhere. Neat! Then we see Will and Catherine in bed, and Will's trying to do what Catherine did to him when she was manic. She doesn't like the rough stuff when she's medicated. Surprise! No boners for you, Will. But then, you're probably used to that by now.
"I love you no matter what. But I don't understand who you are." -Will
Love is complicated when it's fictional and written by a moron. Anyway, Will demands total honesty, and Catherine lies- hilariously, unconvincingly- and says she didn't cheat on him. In session with still-held-hostage Vanessa Redgrave, Catherine talks about how essential lies are. If that's going to be part of her character, she should probably act like a better liar. She requests a med modification- "a sous saint of Quetiapine", to be exact. I'm pretty sure that's exactly how my NP calls in my scrips, along with pureed citalopram and a clonidine coulee. It's psychiatric Master Chef! Then she suggests medical marijuana.
Hostage Redgrave: "No. I want you to make better choices."
Therapists are not that direct. Sometimes they should be, but they aren't. I guess that's what happens when you condense an hour into thirty seconds. Back at The Cube, Catherine and her med students are examining Carrie.
"Does your head still hurt?"
"Not as much as you'd think, since it blew up."
"Cool."
Leo the med student has hypermemory. Sure. Nobody gets to be normal. Speaking of which, Ali Wong is taking selfies with her bass, at work, for her online dating profile. Catherine gets a text from Esme so she calls Josh, who tells her Esme's got a piano audition for Stuffington Academy or something. Catherine obviously can't go, because Reagan is actually Emperor Palpatine in disguise. Catherine randomly pulls out a joint. Now, I have my own experiences with pot- most of them good, some not- but I can say that in most bipolar cases, THC only exacerbates mania. Smoking pot is impulsive behavior for anyone, but trying to pass it off as a clinical decision is intellectually dishonest at best. Enter Bickman.
"Dr. Bickman, can I help you?"
(Ridiculously passionate series of kisses from the man with no emotions. I don't understand why he's still wearing pants.) Catherine says their hookup was a mistake.
"You just assaulted me."
"Delicious, wasn't it?"
If you're keeping score, this is the second rape fetishization in two episodes. I glossed over the first one and shouldn't have. But now it's becoming a theme. Always remember, kids, no means no unless you really really want it to mean yes.
"I do not EVER do drugs!" -Catherine, joint in hand.
In what I guess is supposed to be an ironic twist, the bossman calls them in for a conference on physician misconduct. Sadly, it's not about the doctors who only commit misconduct and is instead about Dr. Renaud (Played by poor, lovable Edward Hermann. Wherever Hostage Redgrave's family is being held, you won't have to look far to find the Hermann family. Somebody please help them.) Dr. Reynaud hid his brain cancer and killed someone when he had a seizure in the OR, thus Catherine's hiding of her bipolar is now a fireable offense. Carrie's head explodes again. Still awesome. I hope the head explodies are contagious! Catherine wants to check the films, which are always useful when the patient flips out and unstraps herself in the middle of the scan. Bickman says she's in drug withdrawal.
"Her employer said she's trying to lose weight. I'm thinking she's doing it the old fashioned way. *taps nostril*"
Catherine's the consult on Dr. Reynaud. He wants to die, and he wants Bickman to intentionally botch his brain surgery. Oh no, you don't get the easy way out just because you were Lorelai's dad on Gilmore Girls. Sorry chief. Live with the fact that your son won't return your calls. Descend into invalid status and mental incompetency, to say nothing of the unimaginable physical pain, because the alternative bums Dr. Black out.
Some lazy and awkward mother-daughter dialogue later, Catherine calls Esme's cell and Reagan picks up. Best to leave it alone, Dr. Black. You don't want none of those Lightning Hands, and Esme's going to the Dark Side whether you like it or not. Back in therapy, we get a flashback of Josh and Catherine's horrifying childhood to remind Catherine of why she gave Esme up in the first place. Hostage Redgrave recommends giving Will the love, support, and honesty she really wants to give to her daughter. Inspired by this terrible advice, she goes to see Will and reveals her grand plan.
"I get out the prescription pad and self-medicate!"
I can't even... I don't... What follows is so much awesome. I lovehate this scene so much I want to marry it and gradually destroy its will to live over the years. Will delivers a rant about his absent, drunken, dead father. A teleprompter may or may not have been involved. But in conclusion, and verbatim:
Will: "I can handle anything but lies!"
Catherine: "I slept with someone in San Francisco. A total stranger. I didn't even get his name."
Will: /cannot handle it
Consistency, baby. This show's lack of it is astonishingly consistent. Catherine runs back to The Cube, because her bipolar gives her psychic powers and she knew that Dr. Reynaud just that minute attempted suicide. She got there just in time! He's saved! Poor bastard. It also turns out that Carrie was lying about not doing coke, and Catherine goes pseudo-surrogate mommy on her. Creepy and unwarranted, but whatever. Carrie flees The Cube immediately afterward. She'll never know what a great decision that was, because her head's gonna explode again soon. That shit never gets old.
Ali Wong: "Apparently I'm a geek magnet!" Pfft. Like geeks are into gorgeous Asian women who put on glasses and play electric bass. Geeks are into brains. You know, like zombies.
Catherine diagnoses Carrie with a random combination of narcolepsy and bad dream-itis. That's what caused her head explodies, not coke withdrawal. It's all so obvious now!
Dr. Reynaud: "I should be angry with you [for preventing my suicide], but I'm not. Today I saw a beautiful sunrise."
Totally makes up for the agonizing days, weeks, or months of radiation, chemo, and surgery, amirite? Then Josh calls Catherine so she gets to hear Esme's audition. Aww. Of course, this provokes the imaginary jazz crazy dance on a public street. Reagan was right, it is all about her. End.
So what did we learn from episode 2? Well, for one, rape is A-OK. For two, the terminally ill should acquiesce to the wishes of those most tangentially related to them. For three, the best relationships are founded on a basis of lies and personal inconsistency. And finally- in all seriousness- we need to find the bastards who are forcing our elderly actors into performing on this show. If this is their first move, their endgame scares the crap out of me.
We're doing the House thing, where we meet the patient first. Her name's Carrie, she's a nanny, and her head explodes. Blood everywhere. Neat! Then we see Will and Catherine in bed, and Will's trying to do what Catherine did to him when she was manic. She doesn't like the rough stuff when she's medicated. Surprise! No boners for you, Will. But then, you're probably used to that by now.
"I love you no matter what. But I don't understand who you are." -Will
Love is complicated when it's fictional and written by a moron. Anyway, Will demands total honesty, and Catherine lies- hilariously, unconvincingly- and says she didn't cheat on him. In session with still-held-hostage Vanessa Redgrave, Catherine talks about how essential lies are. If that's going to be part of her character, she should probably act like a better liar. She requests a med modification- "a sous saint of Quetiapine", to be exact. I'm pretty sure that's exactly how my NP calls in my scrips, along with pureed citalopram and a clonidine coulee. It's psychiatric Master Chef! Then she suggests medical marijuana.
Hostage Redgrave: "No. I want you to make better choices."
Therapists are not that direct. Sometimes they should be, but they aren't. I guess that's what happens when you condense an hour into thirty seconds. Back at The Cube, Catherine and her med students are examining Carrie.
"Does your head still hurt?"
"Not as much as you'd think, since it blew up."
"Cool."
Leo the med student has hypermemory. Sure. Nobody gets to be normal. Speaking of which, Ali Wong is taking selfies with her bass, at work, for her online dating profile. Catherine gets a text from Esme so she calls Josh, who tells her Esme's got a piano audition for Stuffington Academy or something. Catherine obviously can't go, because Reagan is actually Emperor Palpatine in disguise. Catherine randomly pulls out a joint. Now, I have my own experiences with pot- most of them good, some not- but I can say that in most bipolar cases, THC only exacerbates mania. Smoking pot is impulsive behavior for anyone, but trying to pass it off as a clinical decision is intellectually dishonest at best. Enter Bickman.
"Dr. Bickman, can I help you?"
(Ridiculously passionate series of kisses from the man with no emotions. I don't understand why he's still wearing pants.) Catherine says their hookup was a mistake.
"You just assaulted me."
"Delicious, wasn't it?"
If you're keeping score, this is the second rape fetishization in two episodes. I glossed over the first one and shouldn't have. But now it's becoming a theme. Always remember, kids, no means no unless you really really want it to mean yes.
"I do not EVER do drugs!" -Catherine, joint in hand.
In what I guess is supposed to be an ironic twist, the bossman calls them in for a conference on physician misconduct. Sadly, it's not about the doctors who only commit misconduct and is instead about Dr. Renaud (Played by poor, lovable Edward Hermann. Wherever Hostage Redgrave's family is being held, you won't have to look far to find the Hermann family. Somebody please help them.) Dr. Reynaud hid his brain cancer and killed someone when he had a seizure in the OR, thus Catherine's hiding of her bipolar is now a fireable offense. Carrie's head explodes again. Still awesome. I hope the head explodies are contagious! Catherine wants to check the films, which are always useful when the patient flips out and unstraps herself in the middle of the scan. Bickman says she's in drug withdrawal.
"Her employer said she's trying to lose weight. I'm thinking she's doing it the old fashioned way. *taps nostril*"
Catherine's the consult on Dr. Reynaud. He wants to die, and he wants Bickman to intentionally botch his brain surgery. Oh no, you don't get the easy way out just because you were Lorelai's dad on Gilmore Girls. Sorry chief. Live with the fact that your son won't return your calls. Descend into invalid status and mental incompetency, to say nothing of the unimaginable physical pain, because the alternative bums Dr. Black out.
Some lazy and awkward mother-daughter dialogue later, Catherine calls Esme's cell and Reagan picks up. Best to leave it alone, Dr. Black. You don't want none of those Lightning Hands, and Esme's going to the Dark Side whether you like it or not. Back in therapy, we get a flashback of Josh and Catherine's horrifying childhood to remind Catherine of why she gave Esme up in the first place. Hostage Redgrave recommends giving Will the love, support, and honesty she really wants to give to her daughter. Inspired by this terrible advice, she goes to see Will and reveals her grand plan.
"I get out the prescription pad and self-medicate!"
I can't even... I don't... What follows is so much awesome. I lovehate this scene so much I want to marry it and gradually destroy its will to live over the years. Will delivers a rant about his absent, drunken, dead father. A teleprompter may or may not have been involved. But in conclusion, and verbatim:
Will: "I can handle anything but lies!"
Catherine: "I slept with someone in San Francisco. A total stranger. I didn't even get his name."
Will: /cannot handle it
Consistency, baby. This show's lack of it is astonishingly consistent. Catherine runs back to The Cube, because her bipolar gives her psychic powers and she knew that Dr. Reynaud just that minute attempted suicide. She got there just in time! He's saved! Poor bastard. It also turns out that Carrie was lying about not doing coke, and Catherine goes pseudo-surrogate mommy on her. Creepy and unwarranted, but whatever. Carrie flees The Cube immediately afterward. She'll never know what a great decision that was, because her head's gonna explode again soon. That shit never gets old.
Ali Wong: "Apparently I'm a geek magnet!" Pfft. Like geeks are into gorgeous Asian women who put on glasses and play electric bass. Geeks are into brains. You know, like zombies.
Catherine diagnoses Carrie with a random combination of narcolepsy and bad dream-itis. That's what caused her head explodies, not coke withdrawal. It's all so obvious now!
Dr. Reynaud: "I should be angry with you [for preventing my suicide], but I'm not. Today I saw a beautiful sunrise."
Totally makes up for the agonizing days, weeks, or months of radiation, chemo, and surgery, amirite? Then Josh calls Catherine so she gets to hear Esme's audition. Aww. Of course, this provokes the imaginary jazz crazy dance on a public street. Reagan was right, it is all about her. End.
So what did we learn from episode 2? Well, for one, rape is A-OK. For two, the terminally ill should acquiesce to the wishes of those most tangentially related to them. For three, the best relationships are founded on a basis of lies and personal inconsistency. And finally- in all seriousness- we need to find the bastards who are forcing our elderly actors into performing on this show. If this is their first move, their endgame scares the crap out of me.
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Terrible TV: Black Box, Episode 1
As promised, I'm kicking off the return of Terrible Television tonight. When I started the TTV series, it had nothing to do with my life's larger purpose, which is generally to reduce misery and increase happiness whenever possible. Writing about American Idol and Grey's Anatomy was just a way to kill time and make sure I could still make words go. I would have let the series stay dead too, if it hadn't been for Black Box. But this particular piece of bad TV has, for whatever reason, developed a following for being intelligent, educational, and well-written. It is the furthest thing from any of those. I'm sure none of the commenters on TVGuide.com who inspired me to write will find this blog, but that's OK, they've done their job. Now it's just me, my thoughts, Kelly Reilly, Vanessa Redgrave, and some guy who voluntarily goes by the name Ditch Davey. My guess is he was a champion on the hobo boxing circuit before the producers of this show found him and offered him a sandwich to try to act. Last chance to back out, because this fail train is leaving the station.
We kick off with Dr. Catherine Black and her therapist- played by Vanessa Redgrave with a permanent 'hostage in a ransom video' facial expression- discussing Catherine's latest manic episode in a series of interrupted flashbacks. She drinks heavily, she feels like she understands the truth behind everything, she has auditory hallucinations, she fucks anything that walks. Having seen what follows, I can safely say this is the closest the series gets to believability. That's because we haven't yet seen how the other characters respond to her. I've attempted to make others share in my delusions, and it's never gone well for me. Dr. Black has become famous by doing it. But I'm getting ahead of myself. First we have to meet Catherine's boyfriend Will, played by David Ajala. Ajala is the worst actor on a show full of bad ones. He's like Omar Epps, except he has but one facial expression, which I call "stoned Tim Duncan", and one mode of delivery, which I will describe as "NFL rookie at his first press conference". Here he proposes to Catherine and she doesn't give an answer.
Redgrave: "Then you flew to San Francisco to give that keynote speech to the Neurological Institute of America."
Catherine: "Yeah. It was a very big deal."
Yep, she's the Egg Mcmuffin of brain doctors and we know because they tell us. Preparing for said speech, she- dun dun dunnnn- skips her meds.She goes manic, writes stuff on her arm, whatever. Her intro at the talk is the very first Psychological Mary Sue treatment I've ever seen. One of Newsweek's 100 most prominent people in medicine. The Marco Polo of the brain. Farts rainbows and poops strawberry ice cream. Her speech is drunken and rambling and involves comparing herself to Van Gogh, Hemingway, Paul from the Bible, every mentally ill genius ever. Hints that she's amazing at her job, 4 minutes in: 5. Proof of such: 0. Then she bangs the limo driver and contemplates suicide, standing on the railing of her balcony and dancing to imaginary jazz music.
Back to real-time, we get our first look inside The Cube, which sadly is not a secret underground prison loaded with deathtraps but a psychological research facility. Catherine's patient, Anthony has made a sloppy mural with Sharpies on the wall, and his parents say they'll pay to repaint it.
Catherine: "That's OK, I wouldn't dream of it. It's beautiful."
The patient gets a good look at her arm-writing, and that changes him from a symptomatic schizophrenic to a cooperative future physicist. Yay medicine! Now Catherine gets to meet her new neurosurgeon colleague, Dr. Bickman, played by star of stage and screen Ditch Davey. Bickman sucks from the word go. Here's how you get Bickman: start with McSteamy from Grey's Anatomy and take away the physical attractiveness, sincerity, and empathy. Then throw in the undeserved accolades of McDreamy.
Their boss: "Everyone knows Bick has magic hands (super suggestive eyebrow waggle)."
Their boss is a bald, professorial older man. I am mortified, yet I cannot look away. And it gets worse!
Catherine: "He's a sexual predator."
Boss: "So I hear. But only with willing partners."
He goes on to expound on Bickman's sexual prowess. No, seriously. That's how brain surgery works, right? Finger bang bang the tumors away?
We're at the end of Act 1 and we still have no indication that these people are doctors, let alone good ones. Maybe Catherine's next patient, a lonely old lady with an imaginary gnome friend, will get us to the medicine part. Yep, it does, but only because of Ali Wong as the obligatory geek-cute Asian med tech. Then Catherine goes to see Will at work, where he's a chef. They have a wonderfully direct and unrealistic conversation to remind us he exists and also wants to marry a woman he knows nothing about. The next scene is at a girls' basketball game, where- spoilies- Catherine and her brother Josh are watching Esme, who is Catherine's daughter but raised by Josh and his wife Reagan as their own. Esme doesn't know, but likes having a super cool crazy aunt. More great dialogue:
Josh: "Good thing my daughter's a brilliant pianist. Sports scholarship not happening."
Catherine: "Esme is gonna rule the world. Maybe not on the basketball court."
Josh: "Chip?"
Catherine: "Gluten? Empty calories? Salt? Watch out Reagan doesn't catch you."
Josh: "She's too busy being snack food tiger mom. Wait until the team gets a load of her gluten-free arugula sandwiches."
Man, this is almost as much as I talk about gluten with my family. Once again, they're telling us who all the characters are instead of showing us. I guess it's time to get used to that. At least we find out after her first line that Reagan ups the ante on unlikeable characters- which is kind of impressive on this show. She's needy, self-centered, and passive-aggressive. Oh wait, that doesn't actually set her apart. Nevermind. Since Will is the black guy, he teaches Esme how to play basketball. We find out that Catherine has kept her illness from Will, and that's why she won't marry him. Josh basically calls her a dumbass. We have a voice of reason! Will again gets passive aggressive about marriage, forcing Catherine to reveal her illness. Will has an above average amount of knowledge on bipolar for some reason. He compares Catherine to his mom, who has diabetes but it doesn't make him love her less. But here comes the first of many lines that makes me despise this show.
Catherine: "That's very PC of you and I've used that line myself, but diabetes isn't who your mother is."
Fuck you, writers for Catherine Black. Bipolar might be who she is because she's a poorly written TV character, but bipolar isn't who I am, or who any of the people I work with are. It's something we have and deal with, and we live our lives trying to define ourselves outside of our illnesses. That's basically step two, after proper medication, in dealing with the diagnosis. Kelly Reilly plays this whole scene as someone who's trying very hard to make Will hate her, but she's just succeeding at making me hate her. She ends up telling Will she does "very bad things", and when she refuses to elaborate, he kicks her out of the car into the rain. Cross Will off the list of possibly decent human beings.
Kathryn goes back to work, where Anthony is drawing with his own blood after the staff took away his sharpies.
Anthony: "You promised no meds!"
Catherine: "You hurt yourself, Anthony. That's a game-changer."
Again, Catherine has the awesome ability to make a hallucinating schizophrenic trust her, and make the imaginary flames go away. Pretty strong work from a neurologist. She goes to find Ali Wong, who is of course in radiology playing an electric bass for no goddamn reason. I suspect she may be quirky, but I'll need to see more before I know for sure. Turns out Anthony has a brain tumor that explains all his symptoms. Good thing the most-qualified person in the world to remove it JUST started working there! Bickman and Catherine have the stock medical drama argument about risky surgery vs. nonsurgical treatment.
Bickman: "Emotions get in the way of everything." Just in case we weren't clear where he's coming from.
Will is waiting for Catherine as she leaves work. They make up at warp speed and Catherine puts on the ring. She shows Esme, and apparently Will is "Officially Esme-approved" as her face goes through every possible configuration of OMG. Maybe Esme is the best actor on this show. Catherine overhears Bickman banging a nurse and gets horny. End of Act 2.
Will takes Catherine to a house he wants to buy, and we find out he wants kids while she obviously doesn't. She flips out that night and flushes her pills down the toilet. Then she finds out that the old lady with the imaginary gnome friend has nobody for support, so she orders her meds stopped because NORMAL IS BAD and she might as well have an imaginary midget friend. Then she gets her groove on to imaginary jazz music and chases down Bickman.
Catherine: "If you're high you're not operating on my patient."
Bickman: "Seems to me you're the one who's flying."
Catherine: "You're turned on. God, you're a pathological creep."
Bickman:"Dominating bitch."
This leads directly to sex. Of course it does. Then Catherine goes to see Will and rapes him, then throws the ring back at him and storms out onto the street. Cross Catherine off the possibly decent person list.
Catherine: "I can hear music! None of you can hear it because I am incredibly special to God and you are NOTHING!"
Random person on the street: "It's your cell, douchebag."
Josh has her hospitalized and Reagan forbids her from seeing Esme.
Reagan: "It's all about you, all the time. God, you're exhausting. And the worst of it is, she still loves you more than me. She's transferring the affection she's always had for me to you. I'm the boring housewife who waits on her hand and foot and you're the exotic, successful, crazy aunt who does whatever she pleases no matter who she hurts and always gets away with it. Not this time."
Even in the middle of a well-deserved diatribe, Reagan is just as self-absorbed and despicable as everyone else on this train wreck. Who do you even root for on this show? I root for death and destruction. Catherine calls Vanessa Redgrave on the emergency line asking for a reason to go on living, and she says "Your work."
Anthony's surgery went well and he wants to be a neuroscientist. The old lady and her gnome go to an old folks' home. Catherine revokes the work order to clean Anthony's art from the walls. And Will wants to stay with Catherine, because he likes her mania.
Will: "What you did to me that night? I liked it. And I wanna do it again."
The final line of the episode, delivered with all the passion of a guy ordering a #4 at White Castle. Fucking hell. One down, 11 to go.
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Catching up on the life of The Everlasting Dave
I've heard it said that you can't be a writer unless you write. I've done a lot- a LOT- of writing over the past four months, but none of it has been for public consumption. I want to blog because I have loads of time to kill and occasionally I have something to say, but sometimes all I want to say about the things I care about is whether they're good or bad. Seriously, here are the things I care about:
Baseball. I'm just a little late if I want to do a baseball midseason report, but lately I've just been enjoying what others write and podcast about. Baseball hasn't dovetailed with any of the other things I care about, it's just been its usual awesome self. Mike Trout, Clayton Kershaw, the fall of the Yankees and the rise of the Mariners. It's all been great fun to follow but I can't say I have any original thoughts on the subject. I just picked up the Effectively Wild podcast this season, and like many others I'm saddened by Grantland's poaching of Ben Lindbergh. But I'm sad for different reasons. My personal boycott of Grantland, set in motion by the Dr. V. tragedy, remains in effect. Ben will basically be wiped off the face of the Earth for me. Sam Miller is still great and I'm sure he'll do fine, but man, I was just introduced to Ben and now he's going away. That sucks.
Rock and roll? Well, rock is awesome. The new albums by The Dollyrots and Roger Clyne & the Peacemakers are out and very good. The new Against Me! is already one of my favorite albums of all time. At least two of my favorite bands- Idlewild and Veruca Salt- will be releasing comeback albums at some point over the next five months. It's an exciting time to be a 90's guy. I actually just saw Veruca Salt at Lincoln Hall this past Monday, and it probably ranks in my top five concerts ever attended. Green Day 2001, Jamboree '99, Pearl Jam 2006, Peacemakers 2007, Veruca Salt 2014. I think that's the list.
How about Magic? I liked Journey into Nyx and I love M15, but both more for the flavor and the art than the function. Won some sweet Garruk sleeves and a deckbox at the prerelease, though my failure to open a Nissa is problematic. I've been playing Orzhov Midrange, Mono-Blue Devotion, and Rakdos Aggro with various splashes in Standard and I like them all. I played Orzhov at Grand Prix Chicago and I still think it's the best deck in a vacuum, but I've been more successful killing people with Spike Jesters and Lightning Strikes. Might as well stick with that until I have a few Nissas. And then I will make people die with lands. Bwahaha.
My work in mental health- On myself and with others- continues to go well. I've crossed over into hypomania a few times since they took me off the extended release mood stabilizer and put me on the immediate release, but I'm not complaining. I haven't fallen off the rails into delusion, uncontrolled impulsivity, or substance abuse, which is always what I need to look out for. I've basically just been unreasonably excited about things lately, but it hasn't hurt anything yet. It's nice to feel something, even if I end up feeling more than I want to. My new therapist is very good. I've been gradually tasked with taking on a bigger role in my mental health organization, and facilitating discussion groups once or twice a month has been extremely rewarding. I have an unhealthy need for praise, and I get much praise from the people who like the way my groups go. I never want to do anything unless I can be great at it, and this is something I'll be great at one day. Right now I'll reluctantly settle for being good.
And this brings me to the reason I've resurfaced, because the last thing I care about has been running laps around my brain for weeks now: the imminent return of Terrible Television. I have been watching ABC's "Black Box" all summer long, and it is high on the list of worst TV shows I have ever seen in a lifetime of seeking out and perversely enjoying bad television. I used to watch "Totally Spies", for crying out loud. As someone who loves silly hospital dramas, complicated lead roles, and anything that educates the public on mental health, I had very high hopes for "Black Box". It was supposed to be a prestige series, a "House, M.D." of the brain. It was supposed to show bipolar in a revealing but sympathetic light- as opposed to Silver Linings Playbook, which merely used it as a narrative device to justify aggressive bitchiness. No matter the intentions, "Black Box" is instead deeply flawed on every level. None of the actors are remotely credible, the dialogue and plot evolution are so incoherent and ridiculous it's become a masterpiece of unintentional comedy, the characters fail to be consistent even in the paper-thin, one-dimensional frames they've been given, and worst of all, it gives idiots the impression they are learning about a mental condition from which I happen to suffer and about which I have gone to some lengths to educate myself. I subscribed to this comment thread some time ago to track this phenomenon, and every day I'm greeted with 4 or 5 comments, all of them basically carbon copies of one another praising the show's "intelligence".
I know there are plenty of morons in the world (You, me, and the other 7,247,609,500 idiots breathing air on this planet at the moment) and I know the easiest way to find loud stupidity is to go looking for it. I also know there's a difference between stupidity and ignorance, and part of being a good person is assuming the latter. And so it has fallen to me, your jaded, snarky, profane tour guide of the land of mind-rotting rubbish, to give this show the vivisection it so clearly deserves. One episode at a time, highlighting the best of the worst in wooden acting, dialogue that makes Engrish look profound, and a story that will only be satisfying if every character dies a horrible, painful death in the finale. Terrible Television has been off the Internet for over a year. Starting this weekend, it's back. And this time, it's personal.
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