As promised, I'm kicking off the return of Terrible Television tonight. When I started the TTV series, it had nothing to do with my life's larger purpose, which is generally to reduce misery and increase happiness whenever possible. Writing about American Idol and Grey's Anatomy was just a way to kill time and make sure I could still make words go. I would have let the series stay dead too, if it hadn't been for Black Box. But this particular piece of bad TV has, for whatever reason, developed a following for being intelligent, educational, and well-written. It is the furthest thing from any of those. I'm sure none of the commenters on TVGuide.com who inspired me to write will find this blog, but that's OK, they've done their job. Now it's just me, my thoughts, Kelly Reilly, Vanessa Redgrave, and some guy who voluntarily goes by the name Ditch Davey. My guess is he was a champion on the hobo boxing circuit before the producers of this show found him and offered him a sandwich to try to act. Last chance to back out, because this fail train is leaving the station.
We kick off with Dr. Catherine Black and her therapist- played by Vanessa Redgrave with a permanent 'hostage in a ransom video' facial expression- discussing Catherine's latest manic episode in a series of interrupted flashbacks. She drinks heavily, she feels like she understands the truth behind everything, she has auditory hallucinations, she fucks anything that walks. Having seen what follows, I can safely say this is the closest the series gets to believability. That's because we haven't yet seen how the other characters respond to her. I've attempted to make others share in my delusions, and it's never gone well for me. Dr. Black has become famous by doing it. But I'm getting ahead of myself. First we have to meet Catherine's boyfriend Will, played by David Ajala. Ajala is the worst actor on a show full of bad ones. He's like Omar Epps, except he has but one facial expression, which I call "stoned Tim Duncan", and one mode of delivery, which I will describe as "NFL rookie at his first press conference". Here he proposes to Catherine and she doesn't give an answer.
Redgrave: "Then you flew to San Francisco to give that keynote speech to the Neurological Institute of America."
Catherine: "Yeah. It was a very big deal."
Yep, she's the Egg Mcmuffin of brain doctors and we know because they tell us. Preparing for said speech, she- dun dun dunnnn- skips her meds.She goes manic, writes stuff on her arm, whatever. Her intro at the talk is the very first Psychological Mary Sue treatment I've ever seen. One of Newsweek's 100 most prominent people in medicine. The Marco Polo of the brain. Farts rainbows and poops strawberry ice cream. Her speech is drunken and rambling and involves comparing herself to Van Gogh, Hemingway, Paul from the Bible, every mentally ill genius ever. Hints that she's amazing at her job, 4 minutes in: 5. Proof of such: 0. Then she bangs the limo driver and contemplates suicide, standing on the railing of her balcony and dancing to imaginary jazz music.
Back to real-time, we get our first look inside The Cube, which sadly is not a secret underground prison loaded with deathtraps but a psychological research facility. Catherine's patient, Anthony has made a sloppy mural with Sharpies on the wall, and his parents say they'll pay to repaint it.
Catherine: "That's OK, I wouldn't dream of it. It's beautiful."
The patient gets a good look at her arm-writing, and that changes him from a symptomatic schizophrenic to a cooperative future physicist. Yay medicine! Now Catherine gets to meet her new neurosurgeon colleague, Dr. Bickman, played by star of stage and screen Ditch Davey. Bickman sucks from the word go. Here's how you get Bickman: start with McSteamy from Grey's Anatomy and take away the physical attractiveness, sincerity, and empathy. Then throw in the undeserved accolades of McDreamy.
Their boss: "Everyone knows Bick has magic hands (super suggestive eyebrow waggle)."
Their boss is a bald, professorial older man. I am mortified, yet I cannot look away. And it gets worse!
Catherine: "He's a sexual predator."
Boss: "So I hear. But only with willing partners."
He goes on to expound on Bickman's sexual prowess. No, seriously. That's how brain surgery works, right? Finger bang bang the tumors away?
We're at the end of Act 1 and we still have no indication that these people are doctors, let alone good ones. Maybe Catherine's next patient, a lonely old lady with an imaginary gnome friend, will get us to the medicine part. Yep, it does, but only because of Ali Wong as the obligatory geek-cute Asian med tech. Then Catherine goes to see Will at work, where he's a chef. They have a wonderfully direct and unrealistic conversation to remind us he exists and also wants to marry a woman he knows nothing about. The next scene is at a girls' basketball game, where- spoilies- Catherine and her brother Josh are watching Esme, who is Catherine's daughter but raised by Josh and his wife Reagan as their own. Esme doesn't know, but likes having a super cool crazy aunt. More great dialogue:
Josh: "Good thing my daughter's a brilliant pianist. Sports scholarship not happening."
Catherine: "Esme is gonna rule the world. Maybe not on the basketball court."
Josh: "Chip?"
Catherine: "Gluten? Empty calories? Salt? Watch out Reagan doesn't catch you."
Josh: "She's too busy being snack food tiger mom. Wait until the team gets a load of her gluten-free arugula sandwiches."
Man, this is almost as much as I talk about gluten with my family. Once again, they're telling us who all the characters are instead of showing us. I guess it's time to get used to that. At least we find out after her first line that Reagan ups the ante on unlikeable characters- which is kind of impressive on this show. She's needy, self-centered, and passive-aggressive. Oh wait, that doesn't actually set her apart. Nevermind. Since Will is the black guy, he teaches Esme how to play basketball. We find out that Catherine has kept her illness from Will, and that's why she won't marry him. Josh basically calls her a dumbass. We have a voice of reason! Will again gets passive aggressive about marriage, forcing Catherine to reveal her illness. Will has an above average amount of knowledge on bipolar for some reason. He compares Catherine to his mom, who has diabetes but it doesn't make him love her less. But here comes the first of many lines that makes me despise this show.
Catherine: "That's very PC of you and I've used that line myself, but diabetes isn't who your mother is."
Fuck you, writers for Catherine Black. Bipolar might be who she is because she's a poorly written TV character, but bipolar isn't who I am, or who any of the people I work with are. It's something we have and deal with, and we live our lives trying to define ourselves outside of our illnesses. That's basically step two, after proper medication, in dealing with the diagnosis. Kelly Reilly plays this whole scene as someone who's trying very hard to make Will hate her, but she's just succeeding at making me hate her. She ends up telling Will she does "very bad things", and when she refuses to elaborate, he kicks her out of the car into the rain. Cross Will off the list of possibly decent human beings.
Kathryn goes back to work, where Anthony is drawing with his own blood after the staff took away his sharpies.
Anthony: "You promised no meds!"
Catherine: "You hurt yourself, Anthony. That's a game-changer."
Again, Catherine has the awesome ability to make a hallucinating schizophrenic trust her, and make the imaginary flames go away. Pretty strong work from a neurologist. She goes to find Ali Wong, who is of course in radiology playing an electric bass for no goddamn reason. I suspect she may be quirky, but I'll need to see more before I know for sure. Turns out Anthony has a brain tumor that explains all his symptoms. Good thing the most-qualified person in the world to remove it JUST started working there! Bickman and Catherine have the stock medical drama argument about risky surgery vs. nonsurgical treatment.
Bickman: "Emotions get in the way of everything." Just in case we weren't clear where he's coming from.
Will is waiting for Catherine as she leaves work. They make up at warp speed and Catherine puts on the ring. She shows Esme, and apparently Will is "Officially Esme-approved" as her face goes through every possible configuration of OMG. Maybe Esme is the best actor on this show. Catherine overhears Bickman banging a nurse and gets horny. End of Act 2.
Will takes Catherine to a house he wants to buy, and we find out he wants kids while she obviously doesn't. She flips out that night and flushes her pills down the toilet. Then she finds out that the old lady with the imaginary gnome friend has nobody for support, so she orders her meds stopped because NORMAL IS BAD and she might as well have an imaginary midget friend. Then she gets her groove on to imaginary jazz music and chases down Bickman.
Catherine: "If you're high you're not operating on my patient."
Bickman: "Seems to me you're the one who's flying."
Catherine: "You're turned on. God, you're a pathological creep."
Bickman:"Dominating bitch."
This leads directly to sex. Of course it does. Then Catherine goes to see Will and rapes him, then throws the ring back at him and storms out onto the street. Cross Catherine off the possibly decent person list.
Catherine: "I can hear music! None of you can hear it because I am incredibly special to God and you are NOTHING!"
Random person on the street: "It's your cell, douchebag."
Josh has her hospitalized and Reagan forbids her from seeing Esme.
Reagan: "It's all about you, all the time. God, you're exhausting. And the worst of it is, she still loves you more than me. She's transferring the affection she's always had for me to you. I'm the boring housewife who waits on her hand and foot and you're the exotic, successful, crazy aunt who does whatever she pleases no matter who she hurts and always gets away with it. Not this time."
Even in the middle of a well-deserved diatribe, Reagan is just as self-absorbed and despicable as everyone else on this train wreck. Who do you even root for on this show? I root for death and destruction. Catherine calls Vanessa Redgrave on the emergency line asking for a reason to go on living, and she says "Your work."
Anthony's surgery went well and he wants to be a neuroscientist. The old lady and her gnome go to an old folks' home. Catherine revokes the work order to clean Anthony's art from the walls. And Will wants to stay with Catherine, because he likes her mania.
Will: "What you did to me that night? I liked it. And I wanna do it again."
The final line of the episode, delivered with all the passion of a guy ordering a #4 at White Castle. Fucking hell. One down, 11 to go.
