In honor of 80's week, this live blog is brought to you by the magic of the VCR. That's right, Idol on VHS. Because sometimes you don't have a DVR and you have something of actual import to do on a Wednesday night. Let's see what our beloved and boring top 8 bring to the table tonight.
We begin with a reminder of Heejun's exit. Always remember, kids, don't try to be interesting. Seacrest says some of the voters will be reminded of their high school proms and shows Randy's pic from those days. I am reminded of the Family Guy where the 80's black guys accidentally meet up with the 90's black guys. OK, we're also getting male/female duets in addition to the rest. Great.
The hair/falsetto dude Deandre Brackensick is up first, with "I Like It" by DeBarge. Gwen Stefani and Tony Kanal are mentors, which led to probably the worst week in Idol history back in season (6? 7?) with Sanjaya's "Bathwater", Chris Sligh's "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic", and more disasters I can't even remember, so this will No Doubt be good times. Ha, I'm fucking funny. Oh man, Deandre is singing from the audience and one dude looks exactly how you would expect a normal person to act in that situation. He is just refusing to show enthusiasm. Can I vote for that guy? Deandre almost had me going for the first half of the song, when he was really singing, but nobody escapes the falsetto for long. Ugh. J-Lo went over the top with the praise, then Steven Tyler said he forgot where he was, and while I'm not surprised I'm left to wonder if that refers to the last 2 minutes or the last 2 years. Then Randy said some stuff. Deandre on going first: "I don't want to be forgotten." Too bad, you insufficiently talented jackass.
Next is Elise Testone, who I'm starting to enjoy. She wants to sing "Hallelujah" which would have been broken in the format, but instead they're telling her to sing Foreigner's "I Want To Know What Love Is". God, Gwen Stefani. I thought you were done pissing me off when you stopped making music. I can even tolerate your makeup commercials spamming up my Grey's. But this is not fair. OK, Elise, this is slow, boring, not terribly vocally challenging. This has all the makings of a going home performance. She's so far behind the front-running girls, she has to kick everyone's ass and make them pay for her dry cleaning when their shit gets in her shoes every week. This is not that. Steven Tyler says it's not the right song, J-Lo gives her the "You look beautiful". Randy calls the original one of the greatest songs ever, which doesn't affect my opinion of Randy Jackson one bit. Then he calls it out of tune and pitchy, which is brutally honest and true, albeit redundant. I don't know what I could see in the next 90 minutes that would keep Elise on the show after that.
The Jesus Skunk Colton Dixon and the very-amusing Skylar Laine are the night's first duet, "Islands in the Stream". It's better than Michael Scott and Jim Halpert's version, but Skylar doesn't get to pull off her true awesomeness sharing the stage with this douche. I dunno, it might have been the best I've heard Colton sing, but I'm just as perplexed as I was with last week's medleys. There's no good answer to the simple question "Why?" Randy ENJOYED that, loudly. It's always fun to watch Randy try to talk himself into liking the most boring shit imaginable. It never seems to take that long. Steven calls them both great artists, which sort of pisses on the grave of the word "artist", doesn't it?
Before Phillip Phillips takes the stage, Skylar and Colton get to joke about whether or not they are dating. This is part of why this show sucks. It's OK not to have a personality, Colton. You don't have to pretend. "That's All" by Genesis is Phillip's pick, cause Davematthewsing one Phil Collins song in a season just isn't enough. God, you suck, Phillip. Tony Kanal suggests he not play the guitar on parts of the song, at which point Phillip Phillips introduces himself as the honky what plays the gee-tar. OK, now, we finally have a chink in the armor of the WGWG coronation. The verses are mumbled and terrible, and doing the same thing he ALWAYS does on the choruses isn't good enough. I say no, loudly, for this performance. Apparently Phillip's brother is playing onstage with him. Whatever. Randy praises Tony Kanal for the advice, which if it was taken, I missed. The other judges remember that he's the only white guy with a guitar and therefore is amazing always.
Hollie "greatest living human being" Cavanagh and Deandre are the second duet, doing the Pointer Sisters' "I'm So Excited". Hollie uptempo? Hells yeah. To the song "Saved by the Bell" granted a second life in an episode about drug addiction? FUCKING YES. This is giving me a vision of the future, where Hollie still has a profitable career and Deandre is her backup singer. That's basically what just happened here. J-Lo said Deandre looked right at home, which only proves my point. Now Hollie gets to talk, and six thousand children with leukemia are spontaneously cured. Then Deandre said "I'm always having fun" while looking like he's about to be executed. That may have been the greatest unintentional comedy moment in this show's history.
Seacrest asks the judges what they think so far, and I resume my recreational cutting habit. J-Lo really loves Deandre, which makes sense, I guess. Randy says a bunch of stuff. After saying they all think everything they've seen is the best thing ever, they then say someone has to step it up. Words have lost all meaning. I hope someone watched this live and noted the time when that happened.
Here's Joshua Ledet. "If You Don't Know Me By Now", by Simply Red. I'm having Jacob Lusk flashbacks before it even starts. Oh good, a choir. I wasn't sure that Joshua was a church singer.... OK, this is somehow pretty great. The judges stand up and I don't disagree. Strict vocal talent would put Joshua, Jessica, and Hollie in the top 3. Joshua might even have a chance of winning this show. But then he'd have to beat out a white dude who plays the guitar, so I guess not.
Jessica "Bebe Chez" Sanchez is next. She's doing "How Will I Know" by Whitney Houston, and she starts talking about her alter ego in her intro piece. Look, I'll stop short of wishing physical harm on some kid I don't know, but you're making it really fucking difficult. You're a cute sixteen year old girl with a big voice; let's not get ahead of ourselves with this Sasha Fierce bullshit. You're not even interesting enough for one persona. And sweet Jesus slam-dancing Christ, she is screaming the crap out of this song. This is the exact opposite of the all-kinds-of-awesome Evan Dando version. This is a musical bowel movement, so of course the judges fall all over themselves to praise her. I just hope they waste the save on someone else before her SHOCKING elimination.
Duet #3 is Phillip and Elise, and if this sucks, I might just be done. "Stop Draggin' My Heart Around" ensures we get to hear Stevie Nicks two weeks in a row, which is so fucking current. I'm pretty sure Phillip is having a seizure, or maybe pooping. Either way, it's unfortunate, but I cannot look away. Credit where credit's due, I think he hit a few notes he never hit before, showed a tiny bit of vocal range, and probably did himself a favor. Randy gives Elise the "welcome back", so there's the last nail in the coffin for her.
Now Hollie's talking about her puppy, and the video of the two of them together takes a neutron bomb to the cuteness scale. Shankley? Is that its name? Whatever. Adorable girl has adorable dog, I am sold. Who gives a shit what she's singing. Oh, "What a Feeling" from the movie "Flashdance". Uptempo again, huh? I love the technical difficulties that delayed her performance; that means Hollie gets to talk more. I am pure happy right now. Sadly, all good things must end. Ugh. First half was ugly, second half she kinda sorta almost hit, but this one was a train wreck. Just a stupid song and a worse vocal. And the judges are giving her all kinds of contradiction. I mean, why should we expect judges for a singing competition to give advice that will make talented people better? That'd be, you know, something worth paying attention to. Nevermind, I'm just going to remember the puppy and move on. I love the way she says "learning" though. "leyning"? "laining"? I don't care. I love you, Hollie. Please don't go home.
Joshua and Jessica are the final duet, doing a song by... George Michael and Aretha Franklin? What the fuck? I'm not even gonna try unless someone falls down or forgets a line. They're both good singers sometimes and when they scream the judges say they're even better, so there's no sense in me commenting. Steven Tyler keeps saying how performances defy judging, because it would be unfair to ask a man to do his fucking job.
Now it's Colton time. Apparently he paints faces at Nashville Predators games when he's at home. Figures, the dude I hate would like the sport I hate, and participate in a completely asstarded way of showing sports fandom. He's singing "Time After Time" by Cyndi Lauper, and I've heard way too many good versions of this song to tolerate this. Randy Hickey set the gold standard. Wait... Oh, shit. This song is perfect for this douchebag's voice. Dammit, this is perfect. He's hitting every note spot on, his arrangement is really smart, his stage presence is coming together. DAMN. This may be the performance of the season. Yeah. God dammit, I more-than-liked this. This might surpass David Cook's "Always Be My Baby" as my favorite Idol performance ever. The judges aren't going ape shit over this, but I kind of am. That was INSANE. At least he admits he did another band's version, because that's the kind of song that only punk bands should do. This is Colton's version of Chris Daughtry's "Walk the Line", or Lee Dewyze's "Treat Her Like a Lady". This is where he jumps to the front of the line and stays there for a while.
Skylar shows off her rifle, her ATV, and her venison summer sausage. At least once Hollie goes home I know what girl I'm going to fantard for. Here's her shot at the "Big Moment", "Wind Beneath My Wings". It's nowhere close, vocally. She's made a terrible song choice and it's obvious. All the spastic hand movements in the world won't save her now. Ugh. Judges give her a standing O, but I think this is one of the worst vocals of the night. Randy, of course, calls it her best performance of the season. Thanks for reminding us you're deaf, Randy. Steven said the opposite of what I said about it. This is about as transparent as the producers/judges have been since I've been watching the show. Fuck my Idol watching life.
Randy names everyone but Hollie and Elise when asked who people should vote for. Shocking. My best of the night votes go to Colton and Joshua, because everyone else sucked out loud. My prediction for bottom 3 are Elise, Hollie, and Deandre. I wouldn't be shocked with any of them leaving, but you know what, I think Hollie actually managed to out-suck Elise. There's a possibility that Phillip or Skylar are in the bottom 3, but I doubt it. See you tomorrow for Idol results and a new Grey's, where we find out who Owen's been plowing behind Cristina's back.
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