Terrible TV Live Blog: American Idol Top 9

Coming to you live from a basement, it's the debut of RtH's Terrible TV Live Blog series! We'll hopefully get through the next 120 minutes without plunging into the depths of suicidal depression. Probably. Since tonight's Idol night, I really can't say for sure.

Tonight's the Top 9 performance night of American Idol, and the theme is "Your Own Personal Idol." Since I've actually read the entire list of songs Idol has the rights to, this is more like "You sing what we tell you to sing!" night, just like every other week on this show. And since the clear frontrunners are two young, attractive women with fantastic voices, we're just 9 weeks away from crowning another white guy with a guitar champion. This'll be a long one, so let's go!



7:00: We're reminded of the four members of the top 13 who are no longer with us: Erika, the mobile DJ who chopped off all her hair and was rewarded by being voted off last week. Shannon Magrane, daughter of Joe Magrane and possible giraffe who took on Mariah and lost two weeks ago. Jermaine Jones, the Barry White wannabe who apparently had outstanding warrants when he tried out, and was summarily booted from the show. And Jeremy Mercado, who I'd already forgotten about.

They introduce the singers, who once again met with Tommy Hilfiger for style advice. Great job so far, Tommy. But not really. He says their goal should be "to find their own image", which will work out great on a show that directly punishes nonconformity. Surprise, they're all wearing a combination of black, white, and silver.

Stevie Nicks is the guest mentor, and the contestants will also be performing in trios tonight. Yay. And now Jimmy Iovine is dancing with Stevie Nicks in a clip from the 80's. Too bad they didn't have cocaine back then; it looks like they'd both really enjoy it.

Colton Dixon is kicking it off with "his favorite worship song", by Lifehouse. Colton Dixon is like Davy Crockett, except instead of the coonskin cap he wears a dead skunk on his head, and instead of being an American folk hero, he sings like a sheep-vs.-goats blood orgy. He's clearly still asleep as the song starts, but gets to the "eyes closed, arms waving, mindless Christian pop-rock" sweet spot soon enough. Oh, and he drops to his knees to end it. Not too dramatic at all. Good job, Colton. The idiots who vote for the show will love it. Steven Tyler said he "Made the song bleed" and "You're a dream come true for an Idol judge." because Steven Tyler suddenly lost all taste in music when he became a judge on this show. Oh, Steven. Did you know your band was the first cassette tape I ever bought? I should have gone with Color Me Badd or something. J-Lo was moved, just like after every other performance over the past two years. Randy Jackson threw out his usual word salad, some Mutemath and Switchfoot references, and said Colton is a contender to win. Since he's a white guy, and vocally Christian, he's right.

Skylar Laine is the teen country girl for the year, and somewhere in Southern California, an aspiring porn star is pissed off that someone stole her name. The singing Skylar is about to show her "sassy" side with a Miranda Lambert song. Isn't that what she does every week? Like, to the letter? I actually sort of like Skylar, because she's a good performer. Stage presence, guts, and an adorable little seizure-ish thing she busts out for the rock parts. Fun to watch. J-Lo mentioned she already sang this song in the auditions, which I didn't notice because they all sound the fucking same coming out of this girl. Steven Tyler said it was "beautiful", shockingly. He gets into a debate with Randy over whether it was more Galveston, or Dallas, or Memphis, or Nashville. My vote is Moosejaw, Ontario. Then Randy name drops more people because we're supposed to believe he actually listens to music. After the performance Skylar mentions her truck. I have nothing more to add to that.

The first trio of the night is a Fleetwood Mac medley from Colton, blues-rocker Elise Testone, and Davematthews Davematthews Jr., I mean Phillip Phillips. Gotta love the crowd trying to wave their arms Christian-rock style without any rhythm. Colton does "Landslide", and it's predictably awful. Then the band kicks up and Elise get about 10 seconds to sing a verse from "On the Edge of 17", before Phillip takes the lead for "Don't Stop (Thinkin' About Tomorrow)" with his faux-humble, "I'm gonna win this show for no reason at all and I don't wear any clothes that aren't grey"ness. Am I... I mean, am I supposed to do something with this? Three songs in 2 minutes, none of which are by NoFX? I feel like a dog standing on a mirror. Praise be to Jenna Jameson that there was no judging.

Heejun Han is a Worster, meaning he's smart enough to know the show is a joke, and proved it last week by ripping off a fake tux and screaming "I wanna DANCE!" Since that was sorta different and not boring, the producers locked him in a crate for most of the past week, and he's now doing "A Song for You" by Donnie Hathaway and going back to being Boring McBorerson. This should suck balls. Ooh, his funny fake Korean accent is back. Well at least that's sort of entertaining. Ok, before the judges talk, here's what they're going to say: Beautiful, pure tone, a million times better than last week. And yep, there's the standing ovation from the judges so people assume he's safe and he's a shocking elimination tomorrow night. J-Lo gives us the "beautiful" and "beautiful tone", Randy gives us "buttery tone" and "there's the Heejun we knew" and "welcome back". So Heejun's gone. Bye Heejun.

Seacrest brings out Jason Derullo, who invites the viewers to help him write a song for the Idol season finale. How am I supposed to wait that long? Then my personal favorite, Hollie Cavanagh, is about to do "Jesus Take the Wheel". Fuck. If Carrie Underwood is Hollie's idol, I'll buy a hat and eat it. Anyway, Hollie's a tiny adorable blonde, and her accent is the result of having British parents and living in Texas. It's fucking great. But when she sings, it's just plant-and-belt big voicedness... Ouch, she went off the rails and got shouty there for a minute, which will be called "pitchiness" instead of "not actually singing there for a minute". Not her best. Randy liked it and didn't like it at the same time, because he lives in a quantum state and also doesn't know what music is. Jennifer was moved. Steven didn't like the song choice because it didn't suit her range, which shockingly I agree with. And now Hollie gets to talk to Seacrest for a minute. Marry me, Hollie. Your speaking voice is the solution to the world's problems.

Deandre Brackensick, the dude what has Milli Vanilli hair is up next, and is doing "Sometimes I Cry" Eric Benet. Oh sweet dog, the unlistenable falsetto is coming back, and it's missed us, because it's back with a vengeance! It's about damn time. This is why I started watching Idol to begin with: Because sometimes the producers, judges, and America conspire to give us something like Deandre. If you watch this, keep in mind that many many thousands of people went through the first audition, followed by 5 rounds of auditions and cuts, just to get to this top 9. And he's one of the 9. It's fucking baffling. And the judges give him a standing O. Randy says "Yo" a bunch of times. Steven makes the trained seals in the audience clap some more and compares him to Prince. J-Lo straight up tells people to vote for him. What the fuck, Jen. Those are 866 numbers, not 800  numbers. Dialing carefully does not jive with voting for Deandre. Then Randy says some more stuff involving a lot of name-dropping.

Jessica Sanchez idolizes Beyonce, and will therefore be boring. Hence, no change. She's a good singer in a sense, but all she can do is the trills and the runs and the blah blah blah. I have yet to hear her sing a melody. Her stage setup involves a lot of red doors, and oh, she stepped through one and closed it at the end. Clever! I can't understand a dog damn word she's singing here, but the judges won't care. Jen says "Beautiful... left us wanting more", which is wrong. Steven said "You did it again... Delicious, beautiful, wonderful." What? Randy says she's one of the best singers he's heard in many years and stars are born. Then he says Colton and Jessica both want to win. Cause, you know, everyone else is just there cause it's fun to work 80 hours a week in order to destroy art.

The second trio is Deandre, Heejun, and gospel belter Joshua Ledet. They're doing a Michael Jackson medley, because hey, who doesn't love small fractions of played-out songs? I want to know what kind of person legitimately enjoys this. Oh, the call and response part of PYT is kind of funny, because nobody in the crowd understands that when the mic is pointed at you, you're supposed to sing. Good job, kids up front. J-Lo makes fun of their dancing and mentions that "we miss Michael Jackson." Who the fuck's 'we', you got a turd in your pocket?

Davematthews Davematthews Jr. is not doing Dave Matthews. OK, Jonny Lang instead. Stevie Nicks said Mick would have wanted Phillip to join Fleetwood Mac if he'd been around back in the day. Yeah, alright. Oh, and he's changing it up: instead of growling, shrugging his shoulders, doing the Dave Matthews feet dance and playing an acoustic guitar, he's doing all of that except with an electric guitar. I'm glad I resolved to detach emotionally from this show after last year's Pia situation, because watching this dude get verbal rimjobs every week on the way to the preordained title would bother me otherwise.

Joshua Ledet has chosen Mariah Carey as his idol. Looks like Mantasia is about to bust out. Uh oh. Jimmy Iovine calls "Without You" "One of the 5 hardest songs in popular music to sing." I wonder if I'll be able to tell the difference if he nails it or bombs... Well, he's surrounded by dead trees.  Or are those cacti? I don't even know anymore. All I know is my eye is drawn to the baffling florae and away from Screechy McGospelpants over there. Oops, and there go the judges with standing O number 4. You know, it wasn't long ago that Simon Cowell would make it a point to only give one or two standing O's in a season. I guess this is "Everybody gets high praise and also a free puppy" night. Randy mentions Colton again, because it's the only contestant name he can remember.

The last trio is Skylar, Jessica, and Hollie with a Madonna medley. Actually, if they just stuck with "Like a Prayer" this wouldn't have sucked, but sadly Madonna had other songs. Skylar and Hollie still make me happyface, though. I just noticed the artists for the trio medleys were MJ, Madonna, and Fleetwood Mac. I'm sure they would have done the same if Stevie Nicks wasn't the guest mentor, because that combination makes complete sense.

Elise is about to close the show, with "Whole Lotta Love" by Zeppelin. Elise almost never smiles on camera, so I like her, but America doesn't. This, though... This is quite alright with me. She's happy because she's singing a song that doesn't blow. Enjoy it, cause it's probably the last such chance you'll get, Elise. Whoa, and that ending caught me by surprise. Hell yeah, Elise. Good on you. Randy says everybody wants to win this thing. Steven is wearing the same pants as Elise. Jennifer doesn't really like Elise but since the other two stood up, she had to too. Five standing O's for 9 performances. All good things.

Randy refuses to answer who's in danger. Steven says "None of you sang as good as tonight." which I guess makes sense if you're fucking hammered. Jennifer says nothing. So I'm picking Heejun and Deandre to return to the bottom three for sure. They'll probably joined by Joshua or Hollie, either of whom would probably get the judge's save if they finish at the bottom. Heejun most likely goes home.

More of the same from me tomorrow night, because I do not have a damn thing to do with my time!