Pack Your Bags, Assman

Well, part of my brain is about to go into hibernation until March. But before it does, I'm going to do a tacky, spiteful, and oddly sycophantic 2013 World Series wrapup the only way I know how: Props & Slops.

Props: Fox's MLB coverage, for using Pearl Jam as their music all postseason. They're one of the greatest rock bands of all time, and they just keep going. "Lightning Bolt" isn't the greatest thing I've ever heard, but it's solid and I give Fox props for shuffling new songs with classic tracks like "Animal", "Evenflow", "Given to Fly", and "Why Go". Major bonus points for wrapping their coverage with "Yellow Ledbetter". That song should be used any time anything ends.

Slops: Fox's MLB coverage, for employing Tim McCarver through this postseason. Now, as a man who clearly loves baseball, Mr. McCarver and I are allies on a fundamental level. But as someone who believes in sabermetrics and thinks baseball is interesting, it'll be hard for Fox to do worse than McCarver on their broadcast teams next season. So even though I'll miss the occasional laugh-out-loud terrible bit of "analysis", the end of the McCarver era is a good thing for baseball fans everywhere. The title of this post refers to this.

Props: David Ortiz, Designated Hitter, Boston Red Sox. .688 batting average. 8 walks. The only guy on either World Series team who remembered how to hit. The first time in eight years I've seen someone rival the sheer offensive dominance of one Barry Lamar Bonds. Thrilling to watch, terrifying to pitch to. Other than Shaq, Kobe, and LeBron, I don't think I've ever seen one man do more to win a championship.

Slops: Matt Adams, David Freese, Jon Jay, Daniel Descalso, Pete Kozma, various positions, St. Louis Cardinals. The top 5 of the Cardinals' lineup weren't really that bad against Boston, but the bottom 4 were automatic outs. This series is still going on if this weren't so.

Props: Ben Cherington, general manager, Boston Red Sox. Back in late March/early April, I called the Red Sox' core and offseason additions "underwhelming" and picked them to finish last in the AL East. I still extend a good portion of the credit to Theo Epstein for drafting and signing most of the team, but Epstein didn't sign Napoli or Victorino, nor did he trade for Jake Peavy. The right moves for the right team. Well played, sir.

Slops: Jon Daniels, President of Baseball Operations, Texas Rangers. Butterfly effect notwithstanding, how different does this year's playoff bracket look if Mike Napoli stays in Texas?

Props: Mike Matheny, manager, St. Louis Cardinals. Two playoff appearances (one NL pennant) in two post-LaRussa years. Running the Cards' player development agenda with guys like playoff hero Michael Wacha and bullpen aces Trevor Rosenthal and Carlos Martinez. This team let their longtime GM leave for Cincy and their longtime manager leave for retirement and they haven't skipped a beat. I choose to give Matheny a big chunk of credit for that.

Slops: Bobby Valentine, former manager, Boston Red Sox. Seriously, dude? You took this team to 93 losses and John Farrell takes them to 97 wins and a World Series crown? I mean, I don't even think managers are all that important, but this is some sick evidence to the contrary. You're a lot of fun when you talk baseball on TV, but that's as close as you're getting to the field from here on out.