Tonight's theme is songs from the 2010's. Awesome, three years' worth of some of the worst music ever made, arranged and performed with all the artistic sensibility of "Glee". Let's get this over with.
Tommy Hilfiger dresses them again, because it's been going so great so far. Akon is the mentor. Somehow I don't think we'll be getting a version of "I Just Had Sex." Skylar is up first, and Akon was like "Yo." She's going with Kellie Pickler and playing the guitar. Damn, no spazz hands from Skylar tonight, but at least there's pyro. This sounds shouty to me, but I guess no more than usual. Randy said "You're back," which is great because she never really went anywhere. They all say she was pitch-perfect, and Steven Tyler mentions crows and hens. When they go to the backstage shot of Colton he's wearing a gigantic parking cone on his head. It's a good look for him.
Colton's Twitter fanbase is called the "messengers". Good to know he's not the only one who lives his whole life up his own ass. I much prefer Team Skylar, the "Skoutlaws". That's cause there's nothing more rebellious or anarchic than voting for a country girl on American Idol. Anyway, Colton is doing "Love the Way You Lie" by Skylar something. He's taking the falshitto mantel from Deandre, and once again he's doing the goat thing. After seeing him do "Time After Time", though, I'm probably willing to tolerate anything this dude does. He's got real intensity, and I'm saddened to find that I'm starting to take him seriously. Jennifer says she's always surprised by the way he approaches the notes. I too am surprised, but probably not in the same way. Randy gives a great backhanded compliment about how it started off like a lullaby and never really got much bigger.
Phillip and Elise are the first duet, doing Gotye's "Somebody That I Used to Know", which was Elise's pick. Phillip is doing typical Phillip things, but Elise is trying to tear it up. This sounds like what people would have listened to in the 60's if they weren't doing drugs. Phillip makes a very good point when Randy wonders why Elise sang more big notes: "She's just a better singer than I am." The judges all mention how this song is everywhere right now, and is "changing music". I do not miss knowing about pop music.
Jessica's up next, and her Twitter team is called "Blujays". What? Jasmine Sullivan's "Stuttering" is her pick, and Akon says she's the one. Yeah, I've been hearing that for a while. Jimmy questions the song choice a little, but she's the chosen one, so what're you gonna do. Well at least the song's kind of funny. "Stuh... Stuh... Stuh... Stuttering." Her phrasing is original, the vocal is just about spot on, and I can't hate it even though I'm already sick of this girl. Another week, another chance for us to be reminded how nobody else is supposed to have a chance. That is, until it's down to her and one guy and the guy wins just because. Randy says she slayed the biggest fish, and then later decides it was a whale. Whales are not fish, you incoherent gasbag. Jennifer goes on an aimless rant. Steven forgets where he is again. Man, if he's ever lucid again he's gonna be pissed off when he finds out how he's spent the last two years.
Joshua is doing Bruno Mars' "Run Away Baby", which will give him a chance to 'rock out'. I can get behind that... But not before Fantasia wishes him a happy birthday and we find out "jjewels" is his Twitter team, which is stupid. This song is him telling girls to run away from him-- this is unlikely to ever be an issue for Joshua-- while he dances around spastically and the camera focuses on the girl go-go dancing in the background. If this is modern-day music week, why does everything feel like something from a bad hippie nightmare? The judges give a standing O, and I think we've got the first member of our bottom 3.
Colton and Skylar are the next duet, and Seacrest makes sure to mention the "romance rumors" surrounding them. It would be fun if they were true, because Skylar would absolutely destroy him. I typed that before Colton said "We are not dating, and the reason is she owns a gun." Honest. They're singing "Don't You Wanna Stay" by Jason Aldean and Kelly Clarkson, but they've got a creepy Osmonds vibe going on that makes it hard to notice how they're singing, except when Skylar gets all shouty.
Hollie "greatest living human being" Cavanagh is next. Apparently, if I were to be on Twitter I would be a "holliepop". She's doing "Perfect" by Pink, and I don't know Pink but I'm pretty sure the song is called "Fucking Perfect". Whatever, I wish she was singing "Little Bastard" instead. This is boring, pretty much passionless, and eminently forgettable. Jennifer gives her "You look beautiful" and "We'll see how it pans out." Steven hates for a while, and Randy says it was a lot better than last week. Well, Pip farting on a snare drum was a lot better than last week. There's our second member of the bottom 3. This is where The Everlasting Dave realizes his favorite is not winning this show.
Now it's on to Phillip Phillip and his "philatics". Hey, Maroon 5, one of the few ways I could be more annoyed by this guy. Shuffle, shuffle, strum strum roar. Same as always. He might actually be a little too boring to win this show, which is saying something. Lee fucking DeWyze wasn't too boring to win. I agree with what Jennifer says, which is that she's seen this performance before. Also homosexual reproduction, which I agree with.
Hollie, Jessica, and Joshua are doing "Stronger" by Kelly Clarkson. A lot of vocal talent on the stage right now, but Hollie's pretty much dying on stage. Yep, this is a big fat coffin nail right here. Joshua and Jessica are fine as always. Once again, Joshua is proving that he really doesn't worry about women running toward or away from him.
Elise finishes things up with "You and I" by Lady Gaga, and her Twitter team is known as "theelites". That'll work. I'm not sure why this isn't getting a standing O, because if anything tonight was deserving it was this one. Oh, right. The judges don't know what music is. That was actually a valid performance. She's hit or miss, but tonight was a huge hit.
Anyway, Joshua and Hollie are obvious bottom 3 picks, and the last one will be someone good. My best guess is Skylar. Better not be Elise. I think this is it for Hollie, so enjoy the speaking voice while it lasts. Too bad she didn't sing good.
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