Here we are again for another week of Idol, liveblogged from a basement. I don't think there's any doubt that America has kept the best four singers on the show up to this point. You can't really say that about any other season- thanks, nondescript dudes with guitars! So the top four: I still don't enjoy Angie on any sincere level, but any of the other three have an honest shot at being a non-embarrassing winner. So, since last week was the diva-off, what excuse for a theme will they use to make sure they do exactly the same thing this week? Let's see. They say that the contestants picked their own songs for round one, if you still think that's a thing they do. Then there will be duets, and the second round will be revealed later.
Amber is first, and they went to see a bunch of sick kids in Los Angeles over the past week. She tells them she's singing Celine Dion, and Seacrest tells us it's "Power of Love". So THAT'S how they're going to keep it boring? Let them pick their own songs? That makes me sad. I need at least one or two hilariously bad/ surprisingly good performances if I'm going to pay attention to this, and everyone with a chance to be funny is already home. Amber sings it fine, and there's a lot of Whitney in this vocal, and the judges are standing again. She went for the home run, but that wasn't more than a standup double to me. Keith praises the song choice. Nicki calls her a sexy glass of milk, and then asks for a moment of silence which is greeted by "whoo!"s. Randy, of course, is thinking about food and says Amber looks more like a black & white cookie. Jimmy said Amber's performance was going to be tough to beat. Yeah, ballad leading off the show, already been toward the bottom a number of times. What could go wrong?
Candice got to meet Drake, in addition to sick kids. She's singing "Find Your Love" by Drake, and I'll take this over Amber doing Celine any day. She hits a couple of absolutely sick notes in the first half. Candice just knows how to deliver a song, and she's got the vocal range to go with it. I think this is one of her best performances so far. Nicki said she should have stuck to the melody more, and told Candice to think about who's going to be buying her music. Randy name drops god, but goes on to say she shouldn't always be in church mode. Mariah is the one who agrees with me this time. Keith makes some important points- good notes are good- and overall loved it. Jimmy agrees with Nicki and didn't really like it.
Kree gets to hang out with a mom and child right out of Grey's Anatomy at the hospital. Her song is called "Hurts so Bad", and it's straight-up blues, which does not work for me. Still, Kree does what she does. Nothing wrong with it, but it's a little boring and midrange for this stage of the competition. She might be in more danger than I'd like to think. Randy said it was vocally tremendous, but parts were disconnected, and he wished it was something else. Keith said she didn't pour her heart out into it, and yeah, I guess that's kind of how I feel too. Nicki said it wasn't a top 4 performance, and "Everyone else can blow smoke up your ass, but that wasn't it." Alright, a couple more rants like that and this will all have been worthwhile. A third of the way in and I'm already reduced to watching for famous people saying crazy things. Jimmy agrees with Nicki again.
Angie is wasting her time at the children's hospital, as most of these kids won't get old enough to buy the Angie Miller Stupid Spoiled Whore playset. She's singing "Who You Are" by Jessie J, and she's at the piano again. I think Angie's committing to this emotionally, which is hilarious because this is song is completely vacant. Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars? OK, if Jessie J sings through a computer because she can't sing, and those are her lyrics... Why does she have a career again? Angie's really singing the crap out of it, having herself a pretty big moment, but the song is so horrible I don't even care. Keith quotes the song back at her. Nicki is happy that Angie chose to sit behind the piano again. Randy says he loves Jessie J, and that Angie was a 10 out of 10. Angie says she's Jessie J's biggest fan. Oh, now Jessie J's career makes sense. She makes music for morons. Every time I see Angie sing she looks hotter, and I find out something new I hate about her. It's been fun to watch that progress. Jimmy said Angie and Amber tied for the best of round one. I still liked Candice.
Here's the first duet, Amber and Kree doing "Rumor Has It" by Adele. I'm not sure why they need giant drums all over the stage. Like, really. This should be showing me who's going home tomorrow. Instead it just makes me want to play Temple Run. It's hard to try and watch this as a singoff, but Kree's kicking ass if that's what it is. Keith is unbelievably amused, loved Amber's posture and Kree's voice. Nicki calls Kree out again for not being emotionally invested.
Angie and Candice are singing Rihanna's "Stay" for their duet. While Candice lets it rip, Angie is busting out every facial expression in the book and plenty of big notes. They both have fire on this one, but I'm surprised at how well Angie's keeping up. Even if her face makes me think of Miley Cyrus doing her Justin Bieber impression. Chin. Wink. This right here is the performance of the night. Randy: "Unbelievable! That's how you do it!"
So, the viewers have chosen "One hit wonders" as the second theme. Tripping Daisy? The Rentals? The Meat Puppets? Jill Sobule? Natalie Imbruglia? The Verve Pipe? Dare I dream... The Rugburns?! No, Amber is doing MacArthur Park. Come on, this couldn't be any more obvious. She's the producers' pick to finish fourth. Ancient torch song right into slightly less ancient disco. She'd get more votes if she used that 90 seconds to convert to Islam on stage. Keith: "Incredible performance". Nicki talks forever, most of it good. They're building up the 'shocking' elimination of Amber tomorrow night. Jimmy states the obvious: that song is corny.
Candice is doing "Emotion", which is apparently a song someone else did, then the Bee Gees did it. So that's how you do a Bee Gees song for your one hit wonder. This is more than a little corny itself, but it's a better vocal than Amber, less strained. Nicki opens up the discussion on Amber again, making it clear that nobody was talking about the song. I'd think when a song choice is particularly good or bad, it might be worth talking about, but hey. It turns out that Candice has a really bad cold, and thus Mariah goes on an excuse riff. Keith: "Are there any one hit wonder songs from the past decade?" Fair question. Randy name-drops Barry Gibb as a great songwriter while saying nothing of substance. I don't even know if Barry Gibb wrote that song. Jimmy then comes out on stage to defend himself. He accuses the panel of being high, while here I was just kind of assuming that as fact. Somewhere in here, Jimmy says "You just don't want to admit that Candice was better than Amber this round." Sweet, I've always wondered what Idol would be like with a debate segment. My popcorn is ready.
Kree's doing a song called "A Whiter Shade of Pale", which I do not know. This is another one that falls short of a real connection. Kree's had kind of a rough night. Randy: "You sang your face off!" Keith uses the word "agreeance" and I do a touchdown dance. Then he says all of Kree's performances tonight were kind of middle ground, and I'm disappointed but it's true. Nicki loved the performance, but then says it probably won't keep her out of the bottom two.
Angie is closing the show with "Cry Me a River". Oh dog, if nobody calls this Broadway, then something's wrong. This is not something that should be praised. Her voice isn't the issue, it's the fact that she's clearly an actress pretending to be a pop star. Does not work for me. Keith raises both arms in triumph, I assume because it's finally over. Keith calls it "Mystical and celestially powerful." Yeah, he's high. Nicki: "Tonight was your night." Randy: "Best of the night."
Everyone did something wrong tonight, but Amber goes home because of that last performance. Whoever told her it was a good idea to sing that song was NOT working in Amber's best interests. 2-3 is close, but at the end of the show, it looks like Candice is safe and Kree is not. However, since they never used the save there's a chance they'll give some reason for making this a non-elimination week. So my prediction is either Amber or nobody.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Terrible TV: American Idol 12 Top 5
Here I am for another week of watching Idol and typing things about it. When Lazaro went home in 6th place the hilariously bad element left with him, so there's five female singers left and they all have a voice. This is going to be like a Twilight Zone episode. The first round is the birth-year theme and the second round will be diva songs, so this will be about as far as we get from rock week.
Candice is first.The intro segment tells us she was born in 1989, she's a good wrestler, and she was bossy as a kid. She is singing "Straight Up" by Paula Abdul, and the song choice worries me, because the song is so stupid and Candice is better than this. She does what she does with it, runs and range and all that, but it went on for a while. It's kind of like how she played with "Love Song" except not as interesting. Not her best. Keith praises her, Nicki says she's the one to beat, Randy gives her 'props'. Candice said Janelle helped her with the song choice, and since I'm leaning toward stupid over evil this week, I think Janelle really thought it was a good idea. Funny stuff. After the commercial Jimmy Iovine gets to talk about Candice, and he didn't like the song choice.
Janelle was born in 1989, and started singing before she knew how to talk. Blah blah blah, reckless redneckitude, Vince Gill. She's got her guitar out again, which is good, but her phrasing kind of reminds me of Jenna Maroney from 30 Rock. Parts of that were pretty listenable, and parts were nails-on-a-chalkboard annoying. To me, it just doesn't seem like something one should do if one is trying to win a singing show. Nicki thinks she should always play the guitar, Randy says Janelle's back, and Keith didn't get the emotional connection. Mariah insists on getting the last word to say Janelle brought her to tears. Jimmy agrees with Keith and said she'll stay in the middle of the pack. Middle of what pack? She's at the bottom.
Kree was born in 1990 and is doing "She Talks To Angels." I'm in. A little shouty in the second half, but another amazing song choice and a better vocal than I expected. This is probably a case of me being unable to critique a performance if the song choice shows some taste. Randy was also in from the first note. Keith- and Mariah- thought it was too much of a performance and not enough of a vocal, but still amazing. Nicki's ramble gets tangled up with Mariah's ramble, and the judging panel careens off a cliff into an ocean of awkwardness. Jimmy said the vocal performance wasn't strong enough.
Angie was born in 1994 and is resurrecting "I'll Stand By You" for its annual performance, playing the piano and dedicating it to Boston. I hate the Celine Dion-ification of the song, and I hate how she's stumbling over the verses. I guess the second half was good. Judges stand, except for Nikki. Mariah goes on forever, it made Keith want to cry, Nicki said it was great- oh, and they're all praising her for making that dedication. Blegh. Jimmy called it the best performance of the night so far.
Carly Rae Jepsen is talking about her impending Idol finale performance, and for the minute or so she's on screen, I pretty much lose my will to live. Anyway, Amber has a number one fan who causes Seacrest to do weird things with his shoulders. And now it's time for her to sing, which actually sounds pretty good after the Carly Rae Jepsen. She's singing a song Mariah did, "Without You", so I guess this is her throwing down. I think this is pretty meh, but here's sign #3,000 that this show is not targeted at me: It can be the best or worst thing ever, and I won't care, because it's one of these songs. Keith: "We got an Amber alert going on!" Nicki didn't like it, because Mariah was good for the whole song and Amber wasn't. Randy: "It wasn't perfect, but I give you mad props... Aside from a couple little parts you did a damn good job." What? Jimmy said she was second-best of the first round. I don't know, I guess. Not a strong first round. I liked Kree more than anyone else.
Candice is going to kick off the diva round with "When You Believe", by Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey. Oh, good. I was worried that I wouldn't get to see more songs like this. Sigh. Take my comments from the last one and say them again, because Candice gets the standing O. Nicki fires up the ramble generator, and it lands on "young Nicki growing up", "the people of Boston", and "the late great Whitney Houston". Jesus. Randy: "You got one of the best voices in the known world!"
Janelle says "One of my favorite divas has always been the country diva..." No way! She's singing "Dumb Blonde" by Dolly Parton. It's sort of like Glee when they try to rock, and it should get exactly as many votes as Glee. She aimed waaaay too low with this. Randy said he wanted more vocal and less performance, Keith didn't like the song choice, and Nicki says she's in jeopardy of going home tomorrow but shouldn't worry about it.
Kree wants a hundred white kittens and blue M&M's as long as it's diva week, and I say that's a pretty good deal. She's singing a Celine Dion song, and since Kree connects with the songs she sings, it works. Candice and Amber can both outsing her at times, but she's just way better at the performing part. Keith said she stayed in control of the song the whole way through and praised her poise and elegance. Nicki says she's not country, she's worldly- "You're Adele, you're Celine Dion... You just elevated your net worth." I'd rather wait for it to become clear she's going to win and that people will buy her first record, but whatever. Optimism is fun.
Angie has chosen "Halo" by Beyonce, and I'm looking forward to the judges' comments. Obviously Angie can sing this song and it won't be a surprise, but Candice and Kree are getting full pimpage, so this is either getting overpraised or panned for no reason. I dunno, I think Angie compares pretty well tonight. And there's the standing O. Keith: "Definitely top 3." Randy: "Angie is in it to win it!"
Amber has chosen a song from the "original diva" in her words, Barbra Streisand. I... I don't know if anyone actually wants the option of listening to this, but I guess the vocal was pretty showoffy and solid. Nicki: "Every note was on point." Randy doesn't want her at the bottom tomorrow night. Weird, weird song. I don't know if I like this show without the unintentional comic relief of male singers.
Janelle is clearly supposed to be next on the chopping block, but Amber or Angie wouldn't shock me either. I can't imagine there are that many people that actually like Angie the most, and Amber has already shown she's undersupported. I'll say Janelle goes home, but if it's not Janelle they'll use the save.
Candice is first.The intro segment tells us she was born in 1989, she's a good wrestler, and she was bossy as a kid. She is singing "Straight Up" by Paula Abdul, and the song choice worries me, because the song is so stupid and Candice is better than this. She does what she does with it, runs and range and all that, but it went on for a while. It's kind of like how she played with "Love Song" except not as interesting. Not her best. Keith praises her, Nicki says she's the one to beat, Randy gives her 'props'. Candice said Janelle helped her with the song choice, and since I'm leaning toward stupid over evil this week, I think Janelle really thought it was a good idea. Funny stuff. After the commercial Jimmy Iovine gets to talk about Candice, and he didn't like the song choice.
Janelle was born in 1989, and started singing before she knew how to talk. Blah blah blah, reckless redneckitude, Vince Gill. She's got her guitar out again, which is good, but her phrasing kind of reminds me of Jenna Maroney from 30 Rock. Parts of that were pretty listenable, and parts were nails-on-a-chalkboard annoying. To me, it just doesn't seem like something one should do if one is trying to win a singing show. Nicki thinks she should always play the guitar, Randy says Janelle's back, and Keith didn't get the emotional connection. Mariah insists on getting the last word to say Janelle brought her to tears. Jimmy agrees with Keith and said she'll stay in the middle of the pack. Middle of what pack? She's at the bottom.
Kree was born in 1990 and is doing "She Talks To Angels." I'm in. A little shouty in the second half, but another amazing song choice and a better vocal than I expected. This is probably a case of me being unable to critique a performance if the song choice shows some taste. Randy was also in from the first note. Keith- and Mariah- thought it was too much of a performance and not enough of a vocal, but still amazing. Nicki's ramble gets tangled up with Mariah's ramble, and the judging panel careens off a cliff into an ocean of awkwardness. Jimmy said the vocal performance wasn't strong enough.
Angie was born in 1994 and is resurrecting "I'll Stand By You" for its annual performance, playing the piano and dedicating it to Boston. I hate the Celine Dion-ification of the song, and I hate how she's stumbling over the verses. I guess the second half was good. Judges stand, except for Nikki. Mariah goes on forever, it made Keith want to cry, Nicki said it was great- oh, and they're all praising her for making that dedication. Blegh. Jimmy called it the best performance of the night so far.
Carly Rae Jepsen is talking about her impending Idol finale performance, and for the minute or so she's on screen, I pretty much lose my will to live. Anyway, Amber has a number one fan who causes Seacrest to do weird things with his shoulders. And now it's time for her to sing, which actually sounds pretty good after the Carly Rae Jepsen. She's singing a song Mariah did, "Without You", so I guess this is her throwing down. I think this is pretty meh, but here's sign #3,000 that this show is not targeted at me: It can be the best or worst thing ever, and I won't care, because it's one of these songs. Keith: "We got an Amber alert going on!" Nicki didn't like it, because Mariah was good for the whole song and Amber wasn't. Randy: "It wasn't perfect, but I give you mad props... Aside from a couple little parts you did a damn good job." What? Jimmy said she was second-best of the first round. I don't know, I guess. Not a strong first round. I liked Kree more than anyone else.
Candice is going to kick off the diva round with "When You Believe", by Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey. Oh, good. I was worried that I wouldn't get to see more songs like this. Sigh. Take my comments from the last one and say them again, because Candice gets the standing O. Nicki fires up the ramble generator, and it lands on "young Nicki growing up", "the people of Boston", and "the late great Whitney Houston". Jesus. Randy: "You got one of the best voices in the known world!"
Janelle says "One of my favorite divas has always been the country diva..." No way! She's singing "Dumb Blonde" by Dolly Parton. It's sort of like Glee when they try to rock, and it should get exactly as many votes as Glee. She aimed waaaay too low with this. Randy said he wanted more vocal and less performance, Keith didn't like the song choice, and Nicki says she's in jeopardy of going home tomorrow but shouldn't worry about it.
Kree wants a hundred white kittens and blue M&M's as long as it's diva week, and I say that's a pretty good deal. She's singing a Celine Dion song, and since Kree connects with the songs she sings, it works. Candice and Amber can both outsing her at times, but she's just way better at the performing part. Keith said she stayed in control of the song the whole way through and praised her poise and elegance. Nicki says she's not country, she's worldly- "You're Adele, you're Celine Dion... You just elevated your net worth." I'd rather wait for it to become clear she's going to win and that people will buy her first record, but whatever. Optimism is fun.
Angie has chosen "Halo" by Beyonce, and I'm looking forward to the judges' comments. Obviously Angie can sing this song and it won't be a surprise, but Candice and Kree are getting full pimpage, so this is either getting overpraised or panned for no reason. I dunno, I think Angie compares pretty well tonight. And there's the standing O. Keith: "Definitely top 3." Randy: "Angie is in it to win it!"
Amber has chosen a song from the "original diva" in her words, Barbra Streisand. I... I don't know if anyone actually wants the option of listening to this, but I guess the vocal was pretty showoffy and solid. Nicki: "Every note was on point." Randy doesn't want her at the bottom tomorrow night. Weird, weird song. I don't know if I like this show without the unintentional comic relief of male singers.
Janelle is clearly supposed to be next on the chopping block, but Amber or Angie wouldn't shock me either. I can't imagine there are that many people that actually like Angie the most, and Amber has already shown she's undersupported. I'll say Janelle goes home, but if it's not Janelle they'll use the save.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Terrible TV: American Idol 12 Top 6
The top 6 is five girls and Lazaro Arbos, after Burnell's elimination last week. We see his tearful goodbyes with everybody except Lazaro, who I don't think anybody likes anymore. They take the stage and I do believe Lazaro's wearing a teal suit. Oh Lazaro, if you don't make me laugh out loud I'm off the bandwagon. Round one is songs from Burt Bacharach, and round 2 is "songs the contestants wish they wrote". Why do these themes still happen? It serves no one. If I had to bet on a half to be more train-wrecky, I'd say the second. Burt Bacharach seems more boring than hilariously bad to me.
Anyway, Angie leads it off. She likes to rock out to metal, so it makes sense that her performance is like a Broadway audition. Aaaand, any appeal she had for me is gone. Keith is telling her to be impassioned and says she's 'missing the humanity'. Nicki agrees. Randy Jackson is now telling her how to put more of herself into her performances, and even though nobody liked it, he says she's still one of the greatest in this. Mariah talks for what seems like a very, very long time.
Amber is second up, and she eats frozen cooked shrimp out of the bag. I'm fine with that. And she's turned the Idol stage into some horrid 70's singing show thing, and is bringing "Say a Little Prayer For You", or whatever it's called. I got rid of the Idol app. Ugh, the outfit, the sparkly background, the arrangement, this just won't end. Poor Amber and her misdirected talent. Nicki: "I am bowing down right now for you, little girl. YES. You have just become my favorite girl in the competition." Randy: "Yo!", followed by total agreeance. I need a much better explanation than I'm getting for this positivity, and Mariah and Keith fail to provide it. They ask Amber what it means that her "boyfriend" isn't around, and Ryan asks if that means Paul or Devin. OK, that was funny.
Lazaro likes to ride 4-wheelers and hunt, and says people call him the Spanish redneck guy.Yeah, that's believable. He's singing "Close to You", and I still can't properly explain what he's wearing, or what he's doing here. I get that he stutters and it's a struggle for him, but his performance doesn't make sense on any level. Nobody is so bad at communication that this kind of thing happens by accident, but nobody with eyes or ears would ever intend for this to happen. Randy: "No, no, no, no. That was horrible!" True. "Especially following Amber who was unbelievable!" Um, not so much. Mariah tries to explain what a key change is to Lazaro, without a ton of success. But she sure is trying! Wow, she has no idea when to stop talking. Keith says the key change didn't matter when the entire song was in a key Lazaro can't sing in.
Kree loves rodeos, which is something that's supposed to... surprise people? What the...? She's doing "What the World Needs Now", and it's pretty awesome. Good song for her. Mariah is in full-on ramble mode, and I can't even pay attention to this all the way through. That got cringe-worthy. Back to reality... Keith loved it, Nicki calls her voice "Hella cocky", Randy establishes that he agrees with everyone. Kree nailed it and it wasn't in doubt.
Janelle played a boy in a high school play, which is.... nothing. She's singing something boring and midtempo and having breath issues, just like last week. Lazaro's not going home tomorrow, so you know, it might have been a good idea to pick something you could kick ass with. Keith says she's multifaceted, Nicki says it was really boring, Randy tells her to find spots to "Be Janelle", OH GOD PLEASE STOP TALKING MARIAH. Whew. With a top 3 and a bottom 3, how does Janelle crack the top 3 tomorrow? She pretty much can't.
Candice knows a dialect of English/Jamaican/whatever that's pretty rad. We're at the halfway point on the clock and thanks to Mariah, we're a few minutes behind halfway through the show. I can't wait till they cut her mic, or do whatever they did to keep Britney to one sentence on the X-Factor. Oh yeah, Candice is kicking this song's ass. Big range, plays with it nicely, boring song but big vocal. It gets a standing ovation, and Nicki strikes first with her own mini-ramble. Randy gives her the ol' "In it to win it" and "Best performance of the night".
While Mariah's talking, I'll ask myself what I thought. Kree was better than Candice, but there was nothing wrong with either one. I just felt like Kree was more believable. Round one goes: Kree, Candice, a massive gap, Amber, Janelle, Angie, Lazaro.
Angie starts round 2 with the song she wishes she wrote, "Love Came Down" by Kari Jobe. I'd rather see a song I've never heard than a song I've heard too many times, so let's see. Well, maybe she's got a career in Christian music, because that's what that was. Good vocal, but I just can't picture it being used for good and not evil. Randy and Keith stand up and clap. Nicki tells her to be smart and stay behind the piano. She then goes on to say that whenever Angie performs without the piano, Kree, Amber, and Candice take all the prizes, whatever that means. WGWP takes over from WGWG? Yeah, maybe. All I know is, piano or no piano, I just want Angie to keep up the string of wardrobe smash hits.
Ryan asks Amber about what's going on with Burnell, and she says they're friends. Burn, man. Burn. "Love on Top" by Beyonce is the song Amber wishes she'd written, and she's dressed in the Fresh Prince collection. This is probably the best vocal of the night so far, maybe second to Candice. Good job on a song that probably should have died on stage. At least the judges are inconsistent- when she's boring and old-timey, she's the best thing ever. When she gets one right, she's the best thing ever.
Lazaro is singing a Robbie Williams song, "Angels" and I'm on lyrics watch cause hey, just because he loves the song doesn't mean he'll know the words. He does, but it's boring and weak, because that's all he can be. Randy says "slightly better than last time", and that's the closest it gets to a compliment. Without naming names, Keith called him a 'talent show singer' amongst 'artists', which is super generous to everyone involved.
The results show tomorrow will have Kelly Clarkson and Scotty McCreery, so yeah, I'll be watching the last 15 minutes of that. Kree is doing Kris Kristofferson's "Help Me Make it Through the Night" as the song she wishes she'd written. She's not swinging for the fences, but she nails it just the same. I have to admit, she's done a good job of doing pop country without the pop, almost as if that was once a genre of its own. If there were such a style of music, I think Kree could do well with it. Nicki is "plugged into the Kreedom show". Randy calls her a natural natural. Keith's ready to give her the keys to Nashville.
Janelle wishes she wrote "The Dance" by Garth Brooks. Her breath control is much better on this one, but it comes off as boring in the context of a competition. Randy name-drops Garth Brooks, but didn't think it was that good. Mariah didn't either. Keith wishes she'd used the guitar. Nicki liked it better than her first, but still thinks she's the fifth best of five girls. I don't disagree.
Wow, Candice is doing "Love Song", the Adele version of the Cure song. This passes for a bold choice on this show. And it's amazing. Every note, every line, good lord. I mentioned Kree was more believable in round 1, but this isn't a question of belief. It's a fact. That might be the winner. Mariah runs up to hug her. Randy: "One of the best performances in the history of American Idol".
Ok, Lazaro Janelle, and Angie are easy for the bottom 3. Kree and Candice both had their best nights thus far and Amber had at least one really strong performance. If anyone other than Lazaro or Janelle are at the bottom tomorrow night, they'll use the save. I think it's more likely that Janelle goes home and whatever dark sorcery keeps Lazaro on the show will persist for another week.
Anyway, Angie leads it off. She likes to rock out to metal, so it makes sense that her performance is like a Broadway audition. Aaaand, any appeal she had for me is gone. Keith is telling her to be impassioned and says she's 'missing the humanity'. Nicki agrees. Randy Jackson is now telling her how to put more of herself into her performances, and even though nobody liked it, he says she's still one of the greatest in this. Mariah talks for what seems like a very, very long time.
Amber is second up, and she eats frozen cooked shrimp out of the bag. I'm fine with that. And she's turned the Idol stage into some horrid 70's singing show thing, and is bringing "Say a Little Prayer For You", or whatever it's called. I got rid of the Idol app. Ugh, the outfit, the sparkly background, the arrangement, this just won't end. Poor Amber and her misdirected talent. Nicki: "I am bowing down right now for you, little girl. YES. You have just become my favorite girl in the competition." Randy: "Yo!", followed by total agreeance. I need a much better explanation than I'm getting for this positivity, and Mariah and Keith fail to provide it. They ask Amber what it means that her "boyfriend" isn't around, and Ryan asks if that means Paul or Devin. OK, that was funny.
Lazaro likes to ride 4-wheelers and hunt, and says people call him the Spanish redneck guy.Yeah, that's believable. He's singing "Close to You", and I still can't properly explain what he's wearing, or what he's doing here. I get that he stutters and it's a struggle for him, but his performance doesn't make sense on any level. Nobody is so bad at communication that this kind of thing happens by accident, but nobody with eyes or ears would ever intend for this to happen. Randy: "No, no, no, no. That was horrible!" True. "Especially following Amber who was unbelievable!" Um, not so much. Mariah tries to explain what a key change is to Lazaro, without a ton of success. But she sure is trying! Wow, she has no idea when to stop talking. Keith says the key change didn't matter when the entire song was in a key Lazaro can't sing in.
Kree loves rodeos, which is something that's supposed to... surprise people? What the...? She's doing "What the World Needs Now", and it's pretty awesome. Good song for her. Mariah is in full-on ramble mode, and I can't even pay attention to this all the way through. That got cringe-worthy. Back to reality... Keith loved it, Nicki calls her voice "Hella cocky", Randy establishes that he agrees with everyone. Kree nailed it and it wasn't in doubt.
Janelle played a boy in a high school play, which is.... nothing. She's singing something boring and midtempo and having breath issues, just like last week. Lazaro's not going home tomorrow, so you know, it might have been a good idea to pick something you could kick ass with. Keith says she's multifaceted, Nicki says it was really boring, Randy tells her to find spots to "Be Janelle", OH GOD PLEASE STOP TALKING MARIAH. Whew. With a top 3 and a bottom 3, how does Janelle crack the top 3 tomorrow? She pretty much can't.
Candice knows a dialect of English/Jamaican/whatever that's pretty rad. We're at the halfway point on the clock and thanks to Mariah, we're a few minutes behind halfway through the show. I can't wait till they cut her mic, or do whatever they did to keep Britney to one sentence on the X-Factor. Oh yeah, Candice is kicking this song's ass. Big range, plays with it nicely, boring song but big vocal. It gets a standing ovation, and Nicki strikes first with her own mini-ramble. Randy gives her the ol' "In it to win it" and "Best performance of the night".
While Mariah's talking, I'll ask myself what I thought. Kree was better than Candice, but there was nothing wrong with either one. I just felt like Kree was more believable. Round one goes: Kree, Candice, a massive gap, Amber, Janelle, Angie, Lazaro.
Angie starts round 2 with the song she wishes she wrote, "Love Came Down" by Kari Jobe. I'd rather see a song I've never heard than a song I've heard too many times, so let's see. Well, maybe she's got a career in Christian music, because that's what that was. Good vocal, but I just can't picture it being used for good and not evil. Randy and Keith stand up and clap. Nicki tells her to be smart and stay behind the piano. She then goes on to say that whenever Angie performs without the piano, Kree, Amber, and Candice take all the prizes, whatever that means. WGWP takes over from WGWG? Yeah, maybe. All I know is, piano or no piano, I just want Angie to keep up the string of wardrobe smash hits.
Ryan asks Amber about what's going on with Burnell, and she says they're friends. Burn, man. Burn. "Love on Top" by Beyonce is the song Amber wishes she'd written, and she's dressed in the Fresh Prince collection. This is probably the best vocal of the night so far, maybe second to Candice. Good job on a song that probably should have died on stage. At least the judges are inconsistent- when she's boring and old-timey, she's the best thing ever. When she gets one right, she's the best thing ever.
Lazaro is singing a Robbie Williams song, "Angels" and I'm on lyrics watch cause hey, just because he loves the song doesn't mean he'll know the words. He does, but it's boring and weak, because that's all he can be. Randy says "slightly better than last time", and that's the closest it gets to a compliment. Without naming names, Keith called him a 'talent show singer' amongst 'artists', which is super generous to everyone involved.
The results show tomorrow will have Kelly Clarkson and Scotty McCreery, so yeah, I'll be watching the last 15 minutes of that. Kree is doing Kris Kristofferson's "Help Me Make it Through the Night" as the song she wishes she'd written. She's not swinging for the fences, but she nails it just the same. I have to admit, she's done a good job of doing pop country without the pop, almost as if that was once a genre of its own. If there were such a style of music, I think Kree could do well with it. Nicki is "plugged into the Kreedom show". Randy calls her a natural natural. Keith's ready to give her the keys to Nashville.
Janelle wishes she wrote "The Dance" by Garth Brooks. Her breath control is much better on this one, but it comes off as boring in the context of a competition. Randy name-drops Garth Brooks, but didn't think it was that good. Mariah didn't either. Keith wishes she'd used the guitar. Nicki liked it better than her first, but still thinks she's the fifth best of five girls. I don't disagree.
Wow, Candice is doing "Love Song", the Adele version of the Cure song. This passes for a bold choice on this show. And it's amazing. Every note, every line, good lord. I mentioned Kree was more believable in round 1, but this isn't a question of belief. It's a fact. That might be the winner. Mariah runs up to hug her. Randy: "One of the best performances in the history of American Idol".
Ok, Lazaro Janelle, and Angie are easy for the bottom 3. Kree and Candice both had their best nights thus far and Amber had at least one really strong performance. If anyone other than Lazaro or Janelle are at the bottom tomorrow night, they'll use the save. I think it's more likely that Janelle goes home and whatever dark sorcery keeps Lazaro on the show will persist for another week.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Terrible TV: American Idol 12 Top 7
I've been looking forward to tonight's episode all week, so much so that I dreamed about it last night. Instead of being bored stiff for two hours, I'm expecting a neverending parade of delusion and train wreckitude the likes of which we have never seen as the top 7 take on rock and roll. Yes, that's right. The two country girls and the pale imitations of Brian McKnight, Marc Anthony, Christina Aguilera, Aretha Franklin and Whitney Houston are all going to be 100% out of their limited and boring comfort zones. Are you psyched? I'm psyched. The intro piece tells us the show will include some done-to-death rockers- Rolling Stones, Janis Joplin, Queen, Heart, Bon Jovi- and also Evanescence. Well then!
Burnell's got the under-the-bus first spot, and the contestants all get to talk about each other in the intro pieces. They tell us Burnell's got an accent and does weird things with his hands. He also apparently laughs like a stereotypical old black woman. He's doing "You Give Love a Bad Name." Well, this has a chance to be the best version I've ever heard, since I've never heard a good one. It's laughable- half the time he's committing and the other half he's clearly baffled as to what he's doing. Not even close to his good vocals, and an awkward-as-hell performance. We're off to a great start! Keith can't stop laughing and "[is] assuming rock and roll is not your thing." He reminds Nicki of a Teddy Ruxpin. Randy says he was behind the beat, and the crowd boos again. Welcome back to the bottom 3, Teddy. "They said I looked uncomfortable and I agree with them 100%." That's loser talk, man!
The first duet is Angie and Lazaro doing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love." Oh no. I probably don't even have to watch this to review it. Lazaro misses just one line this time, but he sleepwalks through it and the band's drowning him out. You know, because he's basically got Sanjaya's voice. Angie's moderately entertaining, although she falls short of true skanktacularity. I'm hoping for big things from her solo performance. Nicki calls them Ken and Barbie, and says to Lazaro, "You seemed to be comfortable up until the point where you forgot the lyrics again." Keith calls it kitschy and variety show-ish, but says Lazaro has a good look going.
Kree is "the group's mom." She hugs everyone, irons shirts, and knows every crew member by name. The fact that the latter is a surprise to the other six kind of makes me hate them all. She gets "Piece of my Heart", and this will be the only thing tonight that has any legitimacy to it. She's apparently the real chosen one, because she's gotten nothing but big songs from big singers. She handles it well, though. I don't hate this. Randy likes the bluesy thing and- uh oh- she's in it to win it! Mariah compliments her for her ability to choose songs, but I'd bet dollars to donuts the producers make every song choice for them. I suspect Mariah knows that too. Keith can't critique anyone who irons everybody's shirts. Nicki calls it magnificent and says it seems like she's already established.
Candice and Burnell are doing Joe Cocker's "The Letter". Burnell is passable this time and even grooves a little. Good for him. Then Candice shows she's got more rock n' roll in her than the rest of the contestants put together. I kind of already knew that, though. That was quite a bit better than I thought it would be. Mariah says she'd rather see them sing an R&B classic- yeah, that was totally an option, you moron. Keith gushes over both of them. Nicki: "Your voice is clearly superior, Candice." Randy: "Oh my god. Oh my god, Candice." Burnell said that one was "Way much easier" than his solo attempt. Indubitably!
Janelle is a country girl, and she's also dramatic. Nobody has anything to say about her, because vapid hayseeds just aren't that interesting. I'm pretty sure Lazaro said she's one of the Children of the Corn, which, if true, would be the headline. She's doing "You May Be Right" by Billy Joel. Thanks to Roger Clyne, I have evidence that countrifying this song is not necessarily a bad thing. It's just being performed on Idol that ruins songs. She's having some very noticeable breath control issues, but the notes she goes for, she hits. Not the train wreck I was expecting, but she's definitely established herself as the fifth best girl out of five. Keith loves how she works the stage, but didn't like the song choice. But then he says that she gets better every week. What? Nicki likes the boots and called the performance exceptional. She says Janelle's relatable and seems like every girl's best friend. I'm not a girl, but still, no. Randy completely agrees and dubs her "The Great Contender". This is one of those performances where the judges' comments being predetermined by the powers that be really clashes with reality. I'm kind of hoping she goes home; I've had it with her nonsense. In her post-performance clip, she's talking about her clothes, which are now being worn by Nicki and Randy.
The contestants are talking about Lazaro's penchant for bright clothing and the divafication of every song he does. Candice called him out on both- damn, Candice, you're a good singer, you don't have to wreck it by being a homophobe. And he gets "We Are The Champions". He's remembering the words and pretty much singing on key, so that makes it Lazaro's high point. Just... He's so far from being a champion, the whole thing is hilarious. Nicki called it "crack juice" and it wasn't bleeped, which is cool. It's one of Randy's favorite songs OF ALL TIME, and said he's gotta call it as he sees it. Where was that attitude with Janelle? They praise Lazaro pretty strongly overall, which reveals what a weak curve he's being graded on.
The trio of Amber, Janelle, and Kree are also doing Billy Joel, "It's Still Rock n' Roll to Me". Amber's pants are confusing the hell out of me, and are far more interesting than the performance itself. Randy: "Wow wow wow. Unbelievable." Nicki says the song choice put her to sleep, nobody stood out, and it was cheesy. She wants Amber to keep the look, and I kind of do too. I'm intrigued, although that might just be the Intriguinol I took this morning.
Candice has her own room in the house, and she and Burnell have a love/hate relationship. Still not interesting. She broke her toe in a failed attempt to April Fool Lazaro, which I guess is funny in a way. She's doing "Satisfaction". She starts fine, but the second half turns into a screamy mess. This is the first time she's been less than an 8 or 9, by Idol standards. Keith says her power never wanes when she goes high, which is the opposite of what I just heard, but whatever. Nicki was put to sleep by the song and booed herself. Ha, take that, Idol audience. Randy says people don't understand what rock is. Please, Randy Jackson, tell me what rock is. I'm here to learn. She talks about how far rock is from her comfort zone, but seriously, if you put an electric guitar over the crap she usually sings, it suddenly becomes rock. Her voice is better suited to this theme than anyone else in the competition, and it seems like they're making a big deal out of the black contestants singing rock music for no reason. It's entirely possible that nobody in the arena knows anything about music at all, and this isn't a cynical moneymaking scheme- it's just stupid. That had honestly never occured to me before.
Orianthi, whoever that is, has been playing lead guitar all night. Amber likes to take pictures of herself, and we're supposed to believe Burnell has a crush on her. So I guess Amber's got a penis. She's doing Heart's "What About Love". For a show without ballads, this sure sounds like a ballad to me. Kind of reminds me of the one time they did a disco theme, and one guy got to do Zeppelin or something. Anyway, Amber's a good singer and that was pretty damn good. Not all the time, but a lot of the time, she sounds just like Whitney Houston. The judges stand up for her, and I wouldn't go that far, but she should definitely stick around another week after that. Keith says it was a great song choice to bring out what her voice does, and I agree. Nicki said it was her favorite of the night. Randy: "You look amazing and you sound amazing."
Hollie Cavanagh is in the audience! I get to hear her amazing, amazing speaking voice once more. Seeing Hollie makes me realize just how boring this season is, even compared to last season. Now Angie gets to close the show. Her fellow contestants say she gets excited about just about anything, which will serve her well in whatever job she winds up in. Heh. She's doing "Bring Me To Life" by Evanescence, and she's seated at the piano once again. It's probably been ten years or so since I've heard this song, and I could've probably gone another ten. She gets up from the piano after maybe twenty seconds, so that was kind of a fakeout. And here comes the wind machine, here come the Cover Girl commercial facial expressions, here comes the unnecessarily big final note. Eh, just Angie being Angie. Nicki called it a perfect choice given the circumstances- I guess she really doesn't like rock music at all. What a shock. Randy namedrops Mutemath and Paramour yet again and calls it a great song.
I think Janelle sang herself into the bottom 3 tonight, but America will probably not agree with me. Kree, Amber, and Angie are safe for sure, Lazaro and Burnell are the bottom 2, and I guess I'll take Candice again for the bottom 3. I think VFTW plus a slightly increased number of idiots from last week keeps Lazaro in, and Burnell goes home.
Burnell's got the under-the-bus first spot, and the contestants all get to talk about each other in the intro pieces. They tell us Burnell's got an accent and does weird things with his hands. He also apparently laughs like a stereotypical old black woman. He's doing "You Give Love a Bad Name." Well, this has a chance to be the best version I've ever heard, since I've never heard a good one. It's laughable- half the time he's committing and the other half he's clearly baffled as to what he's doing. Not even close to his good vocals, and an awkward-as-hell performance. We're off to a great start! Keith can't stop laughing and "[is] assuming rock and roll is not your thing." He reminds Nicki of a Teddy Ruxpin. Randy says he was behind the beat, and the crowd boos again. Welcome back to the bottom 3, Teddy. "They said I looked uncomfortable and I agree with them 100%." That's loser talk, man!
The first duet is Angie and Lazaro doing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love." Oh no. I probably don't even have to watch this to review it. Lazaro misses just one line this time, but he sleepwalks through it and the band's drowning him out. You know, because he's basically got Sanjaya's voice. Angie's moderately entertaining, although she falls short of true skanktacularity. I'm hoping for big things from her solo performance. Nicki calls them Ken and Barbie, and says to Lazaro, "You seemed to be comfortable up until the point where you forgot the lyrics again." Keith calls it kitschy and variety show-ish, but says Lazaro has a good look going.
Kree is "the group's mom." She hugs everyone, irons shirts, and knows every crew member by name. The fact that the latter is a surprise to the other six kind of makes me hate them all. She gets "Piece of my Heart", and this will be the only thing tonight that has any legitimacy to it. She's apparently the real chosen one, because she's gotten nothing but big songs from big singers. She handles it well, though. I don't hate this. Randy likes the bluesy thing and- uh oh- she's in it to win it! Mariah compliments her for her ability to choose songs, but I'd bet dollars to donuts the producers make every song choice for them. I suspect Mariah knows that too. Keith can't critique anyone who irons everybody's shirts. Nicki calls it magnificent and says it seems like she's already established.
Candice and Burnell are doing Joe Cocker's "The Letter". Burnell is passable this time and even grooves a little. Good for him. Then Candice shows she's got more rock n' roll in her than the rest of the contestants put together. I kind of already knew that, though. That was quite a bit better than I thought it would be. Mariah says she'd rather see them sing an R&B classic- yeah, that was totally an option, you moron. Keith gushes over both of them. Nicki: "Your voice is clearly superior, Candice." Randy: "Oh my god. Oh my god, Candice." Burnell said that one was "Way much easier" than his solo attempt. Indubitably!
Janelle is a country girl, and she's also dramatic. Nobody has anything to say about her, because vapid hayseeds just aren't that interesting. I'm pretty sure Lazaro said she's one of the Children of the Corn, which, if true, would be the headline. She's doing "You May Be Right" by Billy Joel. Thanks to Roger Clyne, I have evidence that countrifying this song is not necessarily a bad thing. It's just being performed on Idol that ruins songs. She's having some very noticeable breath control issues, but the notes she goes for, she hits. Not the train wreck I was expecting, but she's definitely established herself as the fifth best girl out of five. Keith loves how she works the stage, but didn't like the song choice. But then he says that she gets better every week. What? Nicki likes the boots and called the performance exceptional. She says Janelle's relatable and seems like every girl's best friend. I'm not a girl, but still, no. Randy completely agrees and dubs her "The Great Contender". This is one of those performances where the judges' comments being predetermined by the powers that be really clashes with reality. I'm kind of hoping she goes home; I've had it with her nonsense. In her post-performance clip, she's talking about her clothes, which are now being worn by Nicki and Randy.
The contestants are talking about Lazaro's penchant for bright clothing and the divafication of every song he does. Candice called him out on both- damn, Candice, you're a good singer, you don't have to wreck it by being a homophobe. And he gets "We Are The Champions". He's remembering the words and pretty much singing on key, so that makes it Lazaro's high point. Just... He's so far from being a champion, the whole thing is hilarious. Nicki called it "crack juice" and it wasn't bleeped, which is cool. It's one of Randy's favorite songs OF ALL TIME, and said he's gotta call it as he sees it. Where was that attitude with Janelle? They praise Lazaro pretty strongly overall, which reveals what a weak curve he's being graded on.
The trio of Amber, Janelle, and Kree are also doing Billy Joel, "It's Still Rock n' Roll to Me". Amber's pants are confusing the hell out of me, and are far more interesting than the performance itself. Randy: "Wow wow wow. Unbelievable." Nicki says the song choice put her to sleep, nobody stood out, and it was cheesy. She wants Amber to keep the look, and I kind of do too. I'm intrigued, although that might just be the Intriguinol I took this morning.
Candice has her own room in the house, and she and Burnell have a love/hate relationship. Still not interesting. She broke her toe in a failed attempt to April Fool Lazaro, which I guess is funny in a way. She's doing "Satisfaction". She starts fine, but the second half turns into a screamy mess. This is the first time she's been less than an 8 or 9, by Idol standards. Keith says her power never wanes when she goes high, which is the opposite of what I just heard, but whatever. Nicki was put to sleep by the song and booed herself. Ha, take that, Idol audience. Randy says people don't understand what rock is. Please, Randy Jackson, tell me what rock is. I'm here to learn. She talks about how far rock is from her comfort zone, but seriously, if you put an electric guitar over the crap she usually sings, it suddenly becomes rock. Her voice is better suited to this theme than anyone else in the competition, and it seems like they're making a big deal out of the black contestants singing rock music for no reason. It's entirely possible that nobody in the arena knows anything about music at all, and this isn't a cynical moneymaking scheme- it's just stupid. That had honestly never occured to me before.
Orianthi, whoever that is, has been playing lead guitar all night. Amber likes to take pictures of herself, and we're supposed to believe Burnell has a crush on her. So I guess Amber's got a penis. She's doing Heart's "What About Love". For a show without ballads, this sure sounds like a ballad to me. Kind of reminds me of the one time they did a disco theme, and one guy got to do Zeppelin or something. Anyway, Amber's a good singer and that was pretty damn good. Not all the time, but a lot of the time, she sounds just like Whitney Houston. The judges stand up for her, and I wouldn't go that far, but she should definitely stick around another week after that. Keith says it was a great song choice to bring out what her voice does, and I agree. Nicki said it was her favorite of the night. Randy: "You look amazing and you sound amazing."
Hollie Cavanagh is in the audience! I get to hear her amazing, amazing speaking voice once more. Seeing Hollie makes me realize just how boring this season is, even compared to last season. Now Angie gets to close the show. Her fellow contestants say she gets excited about just about anything, which will serve her well in whatever job she winds up in. Heh. She's doing "Bring Me To Life" by Evanescence, and she's seated at the piano once again. It's probably been ten years or so since I've heard this song, and I could've probably gone another ten. She gets up from the piano after maybe twenty seconds, so that was kind of a fakeout. And here comes the wind machine, here come the Cover Girl commercial facial expressions, here comes the unnecessarily big final note. Eh, just Angie being Angie. Nicki called it a perfect choice given the circumstances- I guess she really doesn't like rock music at all. What a shock. Randy namedrops Mutemath and Paramour yet again and calls it a great song.
I think Janelle sang herself into the bottom 3 tonight, but America will probably not agree with me. Kree, Amber, and Angie are safe for sure, Lazaro and Burnell are the bottom 2, and I guess I'll take Candice again for the bottom 3. I think VFTW plus a slightly increased number of idiots from last week keeps Lazaro in, and Burnell goes home.
Monday, April 1, 2013
MLB 2013 Preview: The National League
NL East
First Place: Washington Nationals. As much as I'd like to deviate from the norm, the Nats are the class of this division, and maybe the league. Anything less than a championship would be a disappointment. With Strasburg, Gonzalez, and Zimmermann set to become the new Maddux/Glavine/Smoltz, with Soriano, Clippard, and Storen shortening every game, with Denard Span leading off and Ryan Zimmerman and Bryce Harper driving him in... It's absolutely laughable if you're the Mets or Marlins.
Second Place: Philadelphia Phillies. People's attention spans are waaaaay too short. This was the best team in baseball just 18 months ago, and despite years of trading away prospects to fuel a run of NL East dominance, they still had enough left over to yoink Ben Revere from the Twins. It says right here that Revere, Rollins, Utley, and Howard are still good enough to score you some runs. And scoff if you must about Roy Halladay's sudden aging, but he's not the only ace in that hand.
Third Place: Atlanta Braves. I admit it's a good thing to have two Uptons in one outfield. In fact, if they get anything at all from catcher and third base, this could be the best lineup in the NL at some point this year. I just see a serious lack of depth: If Tim Hudson gets old fast or if any of their younger pitchers aren't ready, they're less equipped than other teams to deal with it. And if any position player misses a significant amount of time, they'll end up with automatic outs in the lineup.
Fourth Place: New York Mets. Sandy Alderson had plenty of chances to add a capable player to his outfield, and passed on all of them. There probably aren't more than two or three position players on this roster who will still be here when the Mets are ready to win, especially in this division. We started the 2013 season talking about Johan Santana's bum shoulder, and we'll end it watching the nail-biting race to the bottom between these guys and...
Fifth Place: Miami Marlins. I was all set to put them fourth based on nothing more than nostalgic affinity, but then I looked at their roster. Sweet cuppin' cakes. I'm having a hard time envisioning them winning ONE game, let alone the 40-some it will take to avoid going down in history as the worst team ever. If they can find a team willing to give them a Mark Teixeira deal for Giancarlo Stanton, they might as well just burn it down and call it a day. If they do that AND Jeffrey Loria sells the team, then the season will be a success.
NL Central
First Place: St. Louis Cardinals. Under GM John Mozeliak, the Cards have had the ability- seemingly unique among baseball teams- to develop and call up unheralded minor leaguers who suddenly become productive major league players. David Freese, Allen Craig, and Jon Jay are already established, with Matt Adams, Matt Carpenter, and either Pete Kozma or Ryan Jackson set to join them this year. Oh yeah, and they do the same thing in their bullpen, making it both cheap and effective. Then there's still Adam Wainwright, Matt Holliday and Carlos Beltran earning their paychecks. I'm thinking this is probably the most underrated team entering the season.
Second Place: Cincinnati Reds. Baseball's way too complex to say "Team X finished behind team Y because of this move and only this move." That said, if Aroldis Chapman was starting the season in the rotation instead of the bullpen, I'd have to give this ranking a lot more thought. I like the Shin-Soo Choo acquisition regardless of what it does to their defense, because their lineup should absolutely mash. Cueto and Latos are a dominant 1-2, they front a rotation with youth on its side, and at least the Chapman move gives them a shutdown bullpen.
Third Place: Pittsburgh Pirates. It's been a long time coming, but the Pirates will at least break .500 this year. Why? Well, for one, they've developed a reasonable core of McCutchen, Walker, and Alvarez with other guys knocking on the door. For two, they outbid the Yankees(!) for C Russell Martin, who I expect will make a bigger difference than most give him credit for. There's always a chance the rotation falls apart- like James McDonald in the second half last year- but everyone outside of A.J. Burnett is capable of taking a step forward. Francisco Liriano, in particular, might find the NL Central more to his liking than the American League and re-emerge as a quality pitcher. Gerrit Cole, one of the top pitchers in the minor leagues, will probably be ready at some point this year too.
Fourth Place: Milwaukee Brewers. They just became a trendy wild card pick with their spring signing of Kyle Lohse, but they're not getting the guy who went 16-3 with a sub-3 ERA for the Cardinals last year. They're getting the 34-year-old guy with the career 4.45 ERA. Aside from Yovani Gallardo and Lohse, the rotation features three kids. Alex Gonzalez- yeah, him- is their starting first baseman until Corey Hart comes back. Carlos Gomez may have had his career year in 2012, and Rickey Weeks looks like a player in decline. Ryan Braun can't do it all by himself, but he's expected to.
Fifth Place: Chicago Cubs. Okay, so they're punting this season when it comes to scoring runs- just look at right field, third base, and catcher- but the Cubs are starting to show signs of life. Anthony Rizzo is part of a dying breed of slugging first basemen, and if he ups his walks he'll be a valuable player. Starlin Castro and Darwin Barney are a strong double play combination, even if nobody quite knows what kind of player Castro will end up as. And once Matt Garza, Scott Baker, and Arodys Vizcaino show up, they'll have a bona fide pitching staff. So why fifth place? Because as soon as a team has a need, they'll call Jed Hoyer. Then Alfonso Soriano, David Dejesus, and any pitcher who's proven his arm is attached at the shoulder will soon be ex-Cubs. For what it's worth, it's still the way to go.
NL West
First Place: Los Angeles Dodgers. Sometimes the stacked-with-talent, gigantic payroll teams fall flat on their faces and everyone gets a good larf. Other times, they just steamroll over the league on their way to a division title. It's possible that Carl Crawford and Hanley Ramirez are never healthy or useful again, but that really doesn't matter: that's what incredibly rich owners and a GM who loves his proven veterans are for. If Greinke, Kershaw, and Beckett don't get it done, Kemp, Gonzalez, and Ethier will. I'm thinking 100 wins.
Second Place: San Francisco Giants. They're the defending World Series champs, just like they were in the spring of 2011. They're bringing back the same roster that won it all, just like in 2011, complete with a needlessly expensive re-upping of a veteran position player at the end of the line. So I'm predicting the same result: a second place finish. I'm assuming that Tim Lincecum falls halfway between last year and his Cy Young years, but he's a big enough question mark that he could save or sink the Giants' season. If he's pitching well but the team falls behind the Dodgers early enough, he could also become one of the more fascinating trade-talk subjects of 2013.
Third Place: Arizona Diamondbacks. They had one of the most interesting offseasons of any team, what with trading Justin Upton, Trevor Bauer, and Chris Young. Most people who know things suggest they didn't get enough in return on any of those deals. When you look at the finished product- Martin Prado at third, Cliff Pennington and Didi Gregorius at short, Randall Delgado ready to join the rotation, and Heath Bell in the bullpen- most people who know things probably have a point. Then again, Kevin Towers has built good teams in the past, and if I were a D-Backs fan I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. At least Brandon McCarthy was an unquestionably good signing. I wouldn't be surprised if they won 90 games or lost 90 games.
Fourth Place: Colorado Rockies. The main thing putting them in fourth place as opposed to the basement is a good feeling about new manager Walt Weiss.The other thing bumping them up is their lineup: it's better than respectable, starring last year's breakout Dexter Fowler, Carlos Gonzalez and Tulo. But the rotation features such washed-up lowlights as Jon Garland and Jeff Francis. I expect this year to be much like 2012 was for the Rockies, where they score plenty of runs but the pitching is look-away awful. The thing that makes them interesting is that they're not afraid to try new things, as seen by their four-man rotation of last year. It'd be fun to see them shock the world with a bold new approach to building a pitching staff, but I'd think such an approach would take at least some talent as a starting point.
Fifth Place: San Diego Padres. There hasn't been anything interesting to say about this team for years. Why start now?
NL Awards
MVP: Matt Kemp
Cy Young: Cliff Lee
Rookie of the Year: Hyun-Jin Ryu
Manager of the Year: Charlie Manuel
Playoffs
Wild Card game: Reds over Phillies
NLDS: Dodgers over Reds; Cardinals over Nationals
NLCS: Cardinals over Dodgers
WORLD SERIES PICK: Rays over Cardinals
First Place: Washington Nationals. As much as I'd like to deviate from the norm, the Nats are the class of this division, and maybe the league. Anything less than a championship would be a disappointment. With Strasburg, Gonzalez, and Zimmermann set to become the new Maddux/Glavine/Smoltz, with Soriano, Clippard, and Storen shortening every game, with Denard Span leading off and Ryan Zimmerman and Bryce Harper driving him in... It's absolutely laughable if you're the Mets or Marlins.
Second Place: Philadelphia Phillies. People's attention spans are waaaaay too short. This was the best team in baseball just 18 months ago, and despite years of trading away prospects to fuel a run of NL East dominance, they still had enough left over to yoink Ben Revere from the Twins. It says right here that Revere, Rollins, Utley, and Howard are still good enough to score you some runs. And scoff if you must about Roy Halladay's sudden aging, but he's not the only ace in that hand.
Third Place: Atlanta Braves. I admit it's a good thing to have two Uptons in one outfield. In fact, if they get anything at all from catcher and third base, this could be the best lineup in the NL at some point this year. I just see a serious lack of depth: If Tim Hudson gets old fast or if any of their younger pitchers aren't ready, they're less equipped than other teams to deal with it. And if any position player misses a significant amount of time, they'll end up with automatic outs in the lineup.
Fourth Place: New York Mets. Sandy Alderson had plenty of chances to add a capable player to his outfield, and passed on all of them. There probably aren't more than two or three position players on this roster who will still be here when the Mets are ready to win, especially in this division. We started the 2013 season talking about Johan Santana's bum shoulder, and we'll end it watching the nail-biting race to the bottom between these guys and...
Fifth Place: Miami Marlins. I was all set to put them fourth based on nothing more than nostalgic affinity, but then I looked at their roster. Sweet cuppin' cakes. I'm having a hard time envisioning them winning ONE game, let alone the 40-some it will take to avoid going down in history as the worst team ever. If they can find a team willing to give them a Mark Teixeira deal for Giancarlo Stanton, they might as well just burn it down and call it a day. If they do that AND Jeffrey Loria sells the team, then the season will be a success.
NL Central
First Place: St. Louis Cardinals. Under GM John Mozeliak, the Cards have had the ability- seemingly unique among baseball teams- to develop and call up unheralded minor leaguers who suddenly become productive major league players. David Freese, Allen Craig, and Jon Jay are already established, with Matt Adams, Matt Carpenter, and either Pete Kozma or Ryan Jackson set to join them this year. Oh yeah, and they do the same thing in their bullpen, making it both cheap and effective. Then there's still Adam Wainwright, Matt Holliday and Carlos Beltran earning their paychecks. I'm thinking this is probably the most underrated team entering the season.
Second Place: Cincinnati Reds. Baseball's way too complex to say "Team X finished behind team Y because of this move and only this move." That said, if Aroldis Chapman was starting the season in the rotation instead of the bullpen, I'd have to give this ranking a lot more thought. I like the Shin-Soo Choo acquisition regardless of what it does to their defense, because their lineup should absolutely mash. Cueto and Latos are a dominant 1-2, they front a rotation with youth on its side, and at least the Chapman move gives them a shutdown bullpen.
Third Place: Pittsburgh Pirates. It's been a long time coming, but the Pirates will at least break .500 this year. Why? Well, for one, they've developed a reasonable core of McCutchen, Walker, and Alvarez with other guys knocking on the door. For two, they outbid the Yankees(!) for C Russell Martin, who I expect will make a bigger difference than most give him credit for. There's always a chance the rotation falls apart- like James McDonald in the second half last year- but everyone outside of A.J. Burnett is capable of taking a step forward. Francisco Liriano, in particular, might find the NL Central more to his liking than the American League and re-emerge as a quality pitcher. Gerrit Cole, one of the top pitchers in the minor leagues, will probably be ready at some point this year too.
Fourth Place: Milwaukee Brewers. They just became a trendy wild card pick with their spring signing of Kyle Lohse, but they're not getting the guy who went 16-3 with a sub-3 ERA for the Cardinals last year. They're getting the 34-year-old guy with the career 4.45 ERA. Aside from Yovani Gallardo and Lohse, the rotation features three kids. Alex Gonzalez- yeah, him- is their starting first baseman until Corey Hart comes back. Carlos Gomez may have had his career year in 2012, and Rickey Weeks looks like a player in decline. Ryan Braun can't do it all by himself, but he's expected to.
Fifth Place: Chicago Cubs. Okay, so they're punting this season when it comes to scoring runs- just look at right field, third base, and catcher- but the Cubs are starting to show signs of life. Anthony Rizzo is part of a dying breed of slugging first basemen, and if he ups his walks he'll be a valuable player. Starlin Castro and Darwin Barney are a strong double play combination, even if nobody quite knows what kind of player Castro will end up as. And once Matt Garza, Scott Baker, and Arodys Vizcaino show up, they'll have a bona fide pitching staff. So why fifth place? Because as soon as a team has a need, they'll call Jed Hoyer. Then Alfonso Soriano, David Dejesus, and any pitcher who's proven his arm is attached at the shoulder will soon be ex-Cubs. For what it's worth, it's still the way to go.
NL West
First Place: Los Angeles Dodgers. Sometimes the stacked-with-talent, gigantic payroll teams fall flat on their faces and everyone gets a good larf. Other times, they just steamroll over the league on their way to a division title. It's possible that Carl Crawford and Hanley Ramirez are never healthy or useful again, but that really doesn't matter: that's what incredibly rich owners and a GM who loves his proven veterans are for. If Greinke, Kershaw, and Beckett don't get it done, Kemp, Gonzalez, and Ethier will. I'm thinking 100 wins.
Second Place: San Francisco Giants. They're the defending World Series champs, just like they were in the spring of 2011. They're bringing back the same roster that won it all, just like in 2011, complete with a needlessly expensive re-upping of a veteran position player at the end of the line. So I'm predicting the same result: a second place finish. I'm assuming that Tim Lincecum falls halfway between last year and his Cy Young years, but he's a big enough question mark that he could save or sink the Giants' season. If he's pitching well but the team falls behind the Dodgers early enough, he could also become one of the more fascinating trade-talk subjects of 2013.
Third Place: Arizona Diamondbacks. They had one of the most interesting offseasons of any team, what with trading Justin Upton, Trevor Bauer, and Chris Young. Most people who know things suggest they didn't get enough in return on any of those deals. When you look at the finished product- Martin Prado at third, Cliff Pennington and Didi Gregorius at short, Randall Delgado ready to join the rotation, and Heath Bell in the bullpen- most people who know things probably have a point. Then again, Kevin Towers has built good teams in the past, and if I were a D-Backs fan I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. At least Brandon McCarthy was an unquestionably good signing. I wouldn't be surprised if they won 90 games or lost 90 games.
Fourth Place: Colorado Rockies. The main thing putting them in fourth place as opposed to the basement is a good feeling about new manager Walt Weiss.The other thing bumping them up is their lineup: it's better than respectable, starring last year's breakout Dexter Fowler, Carlos Gonzalez and Tulo. But the rotation features such washed-up lowlights as Jon Garland and Jeff Francis. I expect this year to be much like 2012 was for the Rockies, where they score plenty of runs but the pitching is look-away awful. The thing that makes them interesting is that they're not afraid to try new things, as seen by their four-man rotation of last year. It'd be fun to see them shock the world with a bold new approach to building a pitching staff, but I'd think such an approach would take at least some talent as a starting point.
Fifth Place: San Diego Padres. There hasn't been anything interesting to say about this team for years. Why start now?
NL Awards
MVP: Matt Kemp
Cy Young: Cliff Lee
Rookie of the Year: Hyun-Jin Ryu
Manager of the Year: Charlie Manuel
Playoffs
Wild Card game: Reds over Phillies
NLDS: Dodgers over Reds; Cardinals over Nationals
NLCS: Cardinals over Dodgers
WORLD SERIES PICK: Rays over Cardinals
MLB 2013 Preview: The Rest Of The AL
I'm going to shorthand the rest of these predictions, since all the data I use is readily available elsewhere. And besides, we all know predictions are just throwing ducks at balloons.
AL Central
First Place: Detroit Tigers. A good team got better with the Torii Hunter signing, and it'll be interesting to see if Jim Leyland goes closer-by-committee after nobody grabbed the closer role in spring training. They basically win this division by default, though.
Second Place: Chicago White Sox. I like their pitching depth. If Konerko and Dunn repeat their 2012s, and the rotation is healthy, they could make a run. But it's just as likely they get old all at once, and every infield spot becomes a hole in the lineup.
Third Place: Cleveland Indians. Those two out-of-nowhere free agent additions make the lineup look pretty scary, but the pitching staff is still a work in progress. I suspect they missed their window to turn Chris Perez into a more valuable piece, but if they fall out of it, some team- Dodgers, Cardinals- might give up the farm to snag Asdrubal Cabrera. Thumbs up to management for refusing to play the small-market card this year, though.
Fourth Place: Kansas City Royals. I know anything short of a wild card slot will be a disappointment, but it just isn't happening. When it's 2013, Jeff Francouer is your everyday right fielder, and Miguel Tejada factors into your plans, one questions the plan.
Fifth Place: Minnesota Twins. I can't think of a team I'd rather see mired in awfulness. Vance Worley is their opening day starter, and somehow it only gets worse from there. Maybe Aaron Hicks turns into a good player, and maybe Mauer and Morneau are both healthy and productive for the first time in years, but that's basically all there is to look forward to.
AL West
First Place: The Red Team. Of course it was ridiculous to sign Josh Hamilton while letting Zack Greinke leave, but man, that is a lineup. I'm also a Tommy Hanson apologist compared to everyone else I've read and listened to on the subject. They should benefit from competing against a somewhat-depleted Rangers team and an Oakland team that played way over its head last year.
Second Place: Oakland A's. I don't know how Billy Beane does it. Jed Lowrie and John Jaso are both huge additions, they've got four guys who should be everyday outfielders, and with Brett Anderson's return the pitching should again be very good. There's a pretty solid chance I'm underrating them at second place, but then again, the infield looks a little thin. Not many people outside of the Moss family believe Brandon Moss's 2012 was not a fluke.
Third Place: Texas Rangers. They're still a real team, but they don't have nearly the firepower they had last year. Leonys Martin is not Josh Hamilton, and Mitch Moreland is not Mike Napoli. Then you get into the back end of the rotation and things get ugly. Their bullpen should give them a bunch of 7-5 wins this year, though. Joakim Soria is a real thing.
Fourth Place: Seattle Mariners. In a major step forward, the Mariners actually look OK this year. I wouldn't have traded John Jaso, personally, but Jack Z did what he had to do to add some sock to the lineup. They're still waiting on Walker/Paxton/Hultzen to come up and provide quality innings, but that'll be happening sooner than later. I agree with the thought that it's better for young pitchers if they can expect some amount of run support when they arrive. Now, if Jesus Montero can actually catch, they'll really have something.
Fifth Place: Houston Astros. They're doing it right, but it's going to take years. Nothing to see here.
AL Awards
Cy Young: Justin Verlander
MVP: Evan Longoria
Rookie of the Year: Jurickson Profar
Manager of the Year: Joe Maddon
Playoffs:
Wild Card game: Yankees over A's
ALDS: Tigers over Yankees; Rays over Angels
ALCS: Rays over Tigers
AL Central
First Place: Detroit Tigers. A good team got better with the Torii Hunter signing, and it'll be interesting to see if Jim Leyland goes closer-by-committee after nobody grabbed the closer role in spring training. They basically win this division by default, though.
Second Place: Chicago White Sox. I like their pitching depth. If Konerko and Dunn repeat their 2012s, and the rotation is healthy, they could make a run. But it's just as likely they get old all at once, and every infield spot becomes a hole in the lineup.
Third Place: Cleveland Indians. Those two out-of-nowhere free agent additions make the lineup look pretty scary, but the pitching staff is still a work in progress. I suspect they missed their window to turn Chris Perez into a more valuable piece, but if they fall out of it, some team- Dodgers, Cardinals- might give up the farm to snag Asdrubal Cabrera. Thumbs up to management for refusing to play the small-market card this year, though.
Fourth Place: Kansas City Royals. I know anything short of a wild card slot will be a disappointment, but it just isn't happening. When it's 2013, Jeff Francouer is your everyday right fielder, and Miguel Tejada factors into your plans, one questions the plan.
Fifth Place: Minnesota Twins. I can't think of a team I'd rather see mired in awfulness. Vance Worley is their opening day starter, and somehow it only gets worse from there. Maybe Aaron Hicks turns into a good player, and maybe Mauer and Morneau are both healthy and productive for the first time in years, but that's basically all there is to look forward to.
AL West
First Place: The Red Team. Of course it was ridiculous to sign Josh Hamilton while letting Zack Greinke leave, but man, that is a lineup. I'm also a Tommy Hanson apologist compared to everyone else I've read and listened to on the subject. They should benefit from competing against a somewhat-depleted Rangers team and an Oakland team that played way over its head last year.
Second Place: Oakland A's. I don't know how Billy Beane does it. Jed Lowrie and John Jaso are both huge additions, they've got four guys who should be everyday outfielders, and with Brett Anderson's return the pitching should again be very good. There's a pretty solid chance I'm underrating them at second place, but then again, the infield looks a little thin. Not many people outside of the Moss family believe Brandon Moss's 2012 was not a fluke.
Third Place: Texas Rangers. They're still a real team, but they don't have nearly the firepower they had last year. Leonys Martin is not Josh Hamilton, and Mitch Moreland is not Mike Napoli. Then you get into the back end of the rotation and things get ugly. Their bullpen should give them a bunch of 7-5 wins this year, though. Joakim Soria is a real thing.
Fourth Place: Seattle Mariners. In a major step forward, the Mariners actually look OK this year. I wouldn't have traded John Jaso, personally, but Jack Z did what he had to do to add some sock to the lineup. They're still waiting on Walker/Paxton/Hultzen to come up and provide quality innings, but that'll be happening sooner than later. I agree with the thought that it's better for young pitchers if they can expect some amount of run support when they arrive. Now, if Jesus Montero can actually catch, they'll really have something.
Fifth Place: Houston Astros. They're doing it right, but it's going to take years. Nothing to see here.
AL Awards
Cy Young: Justin Verlander
MVP: Evan Longoria
Rookie of the Year: Jurickson Profar
Manager of the Year: Joe Maddon
Playoffs:
Wild Card game: Yankees over A's
ALDS: Tigers over Yankees; Rays over Angels
ALCS: Rays over Tigers
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