Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Terrible TV: American Idol 12 Top 5

Here I am for another week of watching Idol and typing things about it. When Lazaro went home in 6th place the hilariously bad element left with him, so there's five female singers left and they all have a voice. This is going to be like a Twilight Zone episode. The first round is the birth-year theme and the second round will be diva songs, so this will be about as far as we get from rock week.

Candice is first.The intro segment tells us she was born in 1989, she's a good wrestler, and she was bossy as a kid. She is singing "Straight Up" by Paula Abdul, and the song choice worries me, because the song is so stupid and Candice is better than this. She does what she does with it, runs and range and all that, but it went on for a while. It's kind of like how she played with "Love Song" except not as interesting. Not her best. Keith praises her, Nicki says she's the one to beat, Randy gives her 'props'. Candice said Janelle helped her with the song choice, and since I'm leaning toward stupid over evil this week, I think Janelle really thought it was a good idea. Funny stuff. After the commercial Jimmy Iovine gets to talk about Candice, and he didn't like the song choice.

Janelle was born in 1989, and started singing before she knew how to talk. Blah blah blah, reckless redneckitude, Vince Gill. She's got her guitar out again, which is good, but her phrasing kind of reminds me of Jenna Maroney from 30 Rock. Parts of that were pretty listenable, and parts were nails-on-a-chalkboard annoying. To me, it just doesn't seem like something one should do if one is trying to win a singing show. Nicki thinks she should always play the guitar, Randy says Janelle's back, and Keith didn't get the emotional connection. Mariah insists on getting the last word to say Janelle brought her to tears. Jimmy agrees with Keith and said she'll stay in the middle of the pack. Middle of what pack? She's at the bottom.

Kree was born in 1990 and is doing "She Talks To Angels." I'm in. A little shouty in the second half, but another amazing song choice and a better vocal than I expected. This is probably a case of me being unable to critique a performance if the song choice shows some taste. Randy was also in from the first note. Keith- and Mariah- thought it was too much of a performance and not enough of a vocal, but still amazing. Nicki's ramble gets tangled up with Mariah's ramble, and the judging panel careens off a cliff into an ocean of awkwardness. Jimmy said the vocal performance wasn't strong enough.

Angie was born in 1994 and is resurrecting "I'll Stand By You" for its annual performance, playing the piano and dedicating it to Boston. I hate the Celine Dion-ification of the song, and I hate how she's stumbling over the verses. I guess the second half was good. Judges stand, except for Nikki. Mariah goes on forever, it made Keith want to cry, Nicki said it was great- oh, and they're all praising her for making that dedication. Blegh. Jimmy called it the best performance of the night so far.

Carly Rae Jepsen is talking about her impending Idol finale performance, and for the minute or so she's on screen, I pretty much lose my will to live. Anyway, Amber has a number one fan who causes Seacrest to do weird things with his shoulders. And now it's time for her to sing, which actually sounds pretty good after the Carly Rae Jepsen. She's singing a song Mariah did, "Without You", so I guess this is her throwing down. I think this is pretty meh, but here's sign #3,000 that this show is not targeted at me: It can be the best or worst thing ever, and I won't care, because it's one of these songs. Keith: "We got an Amber alert going on!" Nicki didn't like it, because Mariah was good for the whole song and Amber wasn't. Randy: "It wasn't perfect, but I give you mad props... Aside from a couple little parts you did a damn good job." What? Jimmy said she was second-best of the first round. I don't know, I guess. Not a strong first round. I liked Kree more than anyone else.

Candice is going to kick off the diva round with "When You Believe", by Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey. Oh, good. I was worried that I wouldn't get to see more songs like this. Sigh. Take my comments from the last one and say them again, because Candice gets the standing O. Nicki fires up the ramble generator, and it lands on "young Nicki growing up", "the people of Boston", and "the late great Whitney Houston". Jesus. Randy: "You got one of the best voices in the known world!"

Janelle says "One of my favorite divas has always been the country diva..." No way! She's singing "Dumb Blonde" by Dolly Parton. It's sort of like Glee when they try to rock, and it should get exactly as many votes as Glee. She aimed waaaay too low with this. Randy said he wanted more vocal and less performance, Keith didn't like the song choice, and Nicki says she's in jeopardy of going home tomorrow but shouldn't worry about it.

Kree wants a hundred white kittens and blue M&M's as long as it's diva week, and I say that's a pretty good deal. She's singing a Celine Dion song, and since Kree connects with the songs she sings, it works. Candice and Amber can both outsing her at times, but she's just way better at the performing part. Keith said she stayed in control of the song the whole way through and praised her poise and elegance. Nicki says she's not country, she's worldly- "You're Adele, you're Celine Dion... You just elevated your net worth." I'd rather wait for it to become clear she's going to win and that people will buy her first record, but whatever. Optimism is fun.

Angie has chosen "Halo" by Beyonce, and I'm looking forward to the judges' comments. Obviously Angie can sing this song and it won't be a surprise, but Candice and Kree are getting full pimpage, so this is either getting overpraised or panned for no reason. I dunno, I think Angie compares pretty well tonight. And there's the standing O. Keith: "Definitely top 3." Randy: "Angie is in it to win it!"

Amber has chosen a song from the "original diva" in her words, Barbra Streisand. I... I don't know if anyone actually wants the option of listening to this, but I guess the vocal was pretty showoffy and solid. Nicki: "Every note was on point." Randy doesn't want her at the bottom tomorrow night. Weird, weird song. I don't know if I like this show without the unintentional comic relief of male singers.

Janelle is clearly supposed to be next on the chopping block, but Amber or Angie wouldn't shock me either. I can't imagine there are that many people that actually like Angie the most, and Amber has already shown she's undersupported. I'll say Janelle goes home, but if it's not Janelle they'll use the save.

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