I've been looking forward to tonight's episode all week, so much so that I dreamed about it last night. Instead of being bored stiff for two hours, I'm expecting a neverending parade of delusion and train wreckitude the likes of which we have never seen as the top 7 take on rock and roll. Yes, that's right. The two country girls and the pale imitations of Brian McKnight, Marc Anthony, Christina Aguilera, Aretha Franklin and Whitney Houston are all going to be 100% out of their limited and boring comfort zones. Are you psyched? I'm psyched. The intro piece tells us the show will include some done-to-death rockers- Rolling Stones, Janis Joplin, Queen, Heart, Bon Jovi- and also Evanescence. Well then!
Burnell's got the under-the-bus first spot, and the contestants all get to talk about each other in the intro pieces. They tell us Burnell's got an accent and does weird things with his hands. He also apparently laughs like a stereotypical old black woman. He's doing "You Give Love a Bad Name." Well, this has a chance to be the best version I've ever heard, since I've never heard a good one. It's laughable- half the time he's committing and the other half he's clearly baffled as to what he's doing. Not even close to his good vocals, and an awkward-as-hell performance. We're off to a great start! Keith can't stop laughing and "[is] assuming rock and roll is not your thing." He reminds Nicki of a Teddy Ruxpin. Randy says he was behind the beat, and the crowd boos again. Welcome back to the bottom 3, Teddy. "They said I looked uncomfortable and I agree with them 100%." That's loser talk, man!
The first duet is Angie and Lazaro doing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love." Oh no. I probably don't even have to watch this to review it. Lazaro misses just one line this time, but he sleepwalks through it and the band's drowning him out. You know, because he's basically got Sanjaya's voice. Angie's moderately entertaining, although she falls short of true skanktacularity. I'm hoping for big things from her solo performance. Nicki calls them Ken and Barbie, and says to Lazaro, "You seemed to be comfortable up until the point where you forgot the lyrics again." Keith calls it kitschy and variety show-ish, but says Lazaro has a good look going.
Kree is "the group's mom." She hugs everyone, irons shirts, and knows every crew member by name. The fact that the latter is a surprise to the other six kind of makes me hate them all. She gets "Piece of my Heart", and this will be the only thing tonight that has any legitimacy to it. She's apparently the real chosen one, because she's gotten nothing but big songs from big singers. She handles it well, though. I don't hate this. Randy likes the bluesy thing and- uh oh- she's in it to win it! Mariah compliments her for her ability to choose songs, but I'd bet dollars to donuts the producers make every song choice for them. I suspect Mariah knows that too. Keith can't critique anyone who irons everybody's shirts. Nicki calls it magnificent and says it seems like she's already established.
Candice and Burnell are doing Joe Cocker's "The Letter". Burnell is passable this time and even grooves a little. Good for him. Then Candice shows she's got more rock n' roll in her than the rest of the contestants put together. I kind of already knew that, though. That was quite a bit better than I thought it would be. Mariah says she'd rather see them sing an R&B classic- yeah, that was totally an option, you moron. Keith gushes over both of them. Nicki: "Your voice is clearly superior, Candice." Randy: "Oh my god. Oh my god, Candice." Burnell said that one was "Way much easier" than his solo attempt. Indubitably!
Janelle is a country girl, and she's also dramatic. Nobody has anything to say about her, because vapid hayseeds just aren't that interesting. I'm pretty sure Lazaro said she's one of the Children of the Corn, which, if true, would be the headline. She's doing "You May Be Right" by Billy Joel. Thanks to Roger Clyne, I have evidence that countrifying this song is not necessarily a bad thing. It's just being performed on Idol that ruins songs. She's having some very noticeable breath control issues, but the notes she goes for, she hits. Not the train wreck I was expecting, but she's definitely established herself as the fifth best girl out of five. Keith loves how she works the stage, but didn't like the song choice. But then he says that she gets better every week. What? Nicki likes the boots and called the performance exceptional. She says Janelle's relatable and seems like every girl's best friend. I'm not a girl, but still, no. Randy completely agrees and dubs her "The Great Contender". This is one of those performances where the judges' comments being predetermined by the powers that be really clashes with reality. I'm kind of hoping she goes home; I've had it with her nonsense. In her post-performance clip, she's talking about her clothes, which are now being worn by Nicki and Randy.
The contestants are talking about Lazaro's penchant for bright clothing and the divafication of every song he does. Candice called him out on both- damn, Candice, you're a good singer, you don't have to wreck it by being a homophobe. And he gets "We Are The Champions". He's remembering the words and pretty much singing on key, so that makes it Lazaro's high point. Just... He's so far from being a champion, the whole thing is hilarious. Nicki called it "crack juice" and it wasn't bleeped, which is cool. It's one of Randy's favorite songs OF ALL TIME, and said he's gotta call it as he sees it. Where was that attitude with Janelle? They praise Lazaro pretty strongly overall, which reveals what a weak curve he's being graded on.
The trio of Amber, Janelle, and Kree are also doing Billy Joel, "It's Still Rock n' Roll to Me". Amber's pants are confusing the hell out of me, and are far more interesting than the performance itself. Randy: "Wow wow wow. Unbelievable." Nicki says the song choice put her to sleep, nobody stood out, and it was cheesy. She wants Amber to keep the look, and I kind of do too. I'm intrigued, although that might just be the Intriguinol I took this morning.
Candice has her own room in the house, and she and Burnell have a love/hate relationship. Still not interesting. She broke her toe in a failed attempt to April Fool Lazaro, which I guess is funny in a way. She's doing "Satisfaction". She starts fine, but the second half turns into a screamy mess. This is the first time she's been less than an 8 or 9, by Idol standards. Keith says her power never wanes when she goes high, which is the opposite of what I just heard, but whatever. Nicki was put to sleep by the song and booed herself. Ha, take that, Idol audience. Randy says people don't understand what rock is. Please, Randy Jackson, tell me what rock is. I'm here to learn. She talks about how far rock is from her comfort zone, but seriously, if you put an electric guitar over the crap she usually sings, it suddenly becomes rock. Her voice is better suited to this theme than anyone else in the competition, and it seems like they're making a big deal out of the black contestants singing rock music for no reason. It's entirely possible that nobody in the arena knows anything about music at all, and this isn't a cynical moneymaking scheme- it's just stupid. That had honestly never occured to me before.
Orianthi, whoever that is, has been playing lead guitar all night. Amber likes to take pictures of herself, and we're supposed to believe Burnell has a crush on her. So I guess Amber's got a penis. She's doing Heart's "What About Love". For a show without ballads, this sure sounds like a ballad to me. Kind of reminds me of the one time they did a disco theme, and one guy got to do Zeppelin or something. Anyway, Amber's a good singer and that was pretty damn good. Not all the time, but a lot of the time, she sounds just like Whitney Houston. The judges stand up for her, and I wouldn't go that far, but she should definitely stick around another week after that. Keith says it was a great song choice to bring out what her voice does, and I agree. Nicki said it was her favorite of the night. Randy: "You look amazing and you sound amazing."
Hollie Cavanagh is in the audience! I get to hear her amazing, amazing speaking voice once more. Seeing Hollie makes me realize just how boring this season is, even compared to last season. Now Angie gets to close the show. Her fellow contestants say she gets excited about just about anything, which will serve her well in whatever job she winds up in. Heh. She's doing "Bring Me To Life" by Evanescence, and she's seated at the piano once again. It's probably been ten years or so since I've heard this song, and I could've probably gone another ten. She gets up from the piano after maybe twenty seconds, so that was kind of a fakeout. And here comes the wind machine, here come the Cover Girl commercial facial expressions, here comes the unnecessarily big final note. Eh, just Angie being Angie. Nicki called it a perfect choice given the circumstances- I guess she really doesn't like rock music at all. What a shock. Randy namedrops Mutemath and Paramour yet again and calls it a great song.
I think Janelle sang herself into the bottom 3 tonight, but America will probably not agree with me. Kree, Amber, and Angie are safe for sure, Lazaro and Burnell are the bottom 2, and I guess I'll take Candice again for the bottom 3. I think VFTW plus a slightly increased number of idiots from last week keeps Lazaro in, and Burnell goes home.
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