Welcome to a liveblog of the first episode of Idol (maybe ever) without a white male contestant. And 20 seconds in, I remember this is Motown week. Always good for a train wreck or two. It's not fair to play The White Stripes during the intro piece. Come on, we know nobody rocks this year. That was by design, remember? Seacrest says we're gonna have group numbers, and it's not just Motown, it's any Detroit artist. So that means Madonna is fair game. Oh, goody. Smokey Robinson is the guest co-mentor. I'm not going to bother with the Idol app this week, because it hasn't added anything to my watching or blogging experience.
Candice is first up, and she tells us that Smokey is basically a legend. Perceptive! She's doing "Heard it Through the Grapevine", and I'm thinking if anything can sink Candice, it's being midrange and forgettable. This has a chance to be that. She's slowing it down a little and, like last week, it's stanked up beyond belief. I kind of like Candice's stank, but I could still see her being the Bottom 3 surprise tomorrow night. Keith says it was her best performance so far. Nicki says she stayed in the song the whole way through. Randy's comments are too vapid to repeat here.
Kree and Janelle are the first duet, and it's "Like a Prayer". This is the only Madonna song worth anything, and I'm not at all opposed to two women singing it to each other. Kree's first few lines are gold, and the rest is just kind of fun, drunk-girl karaoke. I'm OK with this. Nothing about it is country, which is a pleasant surprise for me. Nicki can't believe the two country girls got to do a duet together, and says the obvious- Kree is in a different league from Janelle. I'm glad America got to see that, for that exact reason. Randy says Janelle was pitchy and Kree was better, and the crowd hates it, just like they hate anything that isn't "OMG you're the best thing ever!!!!!" It's like watching a Duke basketball game, except every contestant is Duke and the judges are the refs. That's such a perfect analogy I can't believe I came up with it sober. Mariah noticed that Janelle forgot a lyric and Kree picked her up, then she talks for another six hours to cancel out any valid point she might have had. Keith thinks it's amazing that a pop song from the 80's works for 21st century country singers- cause you know, country's come such a long way in terms of artistry since 1984.
Smokey Robinson gets a minute to pimp his Broadway show and duets album before VFTW darling Lazaro gets to sing. He's doing "For Once In My Life", and apparently he's really into this song. His backdrop has pink musical scores flying around, in case anyone was confused that this show has music in it. The whole vocal is kind of meh, just like always with this dude. OK, he had "Bridge Over Troubled Water", but since then, no. Randy says far better than last week, but he's still not totally redeemed. Keith "It's gotta be about the songs that feel vocally and rhythmically right for you." So, no songs at all? Nicki calls him Ricky Ricardo again, because she's a dirty dirty racist. Then she calls him Fonzie. By the time it's over, Lazaro looks as bewildered as the rest of us. VFTW is going to have to show up big time, because with Paul gone, Lazaro is the next obvious cut.
Janelle gets to do her solo, and she's picked "Keep Me Hanging On", a kiss of death for aspiring Idols throughout the years. She's rearranging it, though, so I'm willing to give this an honest shot, even though Janelle personally bugs the crap out of me. It's got me bobbing my head, she's using the guitar to good effect, and she's making it sound like something I would voluntarily listen to. Surprisingly good. Actually, I only get two or three performances per season that I would listen to outside of Idol, and that was one of them. Mariah: "Janelle at her finest!" Keith called it fearless and angsty. Nicki was incoherent, and Randy thought it was incredible. OK, I guess I'm agreeing with Randy tonight. I can handle that.
Devin's taking on "The Tracks of My Tears", and it's gonna be all or nothing. His rehearsals are not good, which tees him up for a savaging by the judges. Ugh, I don't like this whole band arrangement. This is a sad-as-hell song and he's just having fun with it. Inappropriate. The vocal's pretty good, but I don't think it keeps Devin out of the Bottom 3. Keith says he wasn't always relaxed in the song. Nicki says he looks like a ripe banana and the performance was amazing. Randy says Devin is back, which is never something you want to hear as a contestant. Smokey thought it was great. The formula for getting rid of people is for the judges to praise an average performance, tricking people into thinking the contestant is safe. That's what just happened here.
The next group number is Amber, Angie, and Candice, doing "I'm Gonna Make You Love Me" by The Supremes, and Angie is wearing black leather hot pants. Sold. I stand by my assertion that Angie's got a long career ahead of her in the entertainment industry, but we'll soon forget she was once a singer. She looks awesome. Amber doesn't get a solo on this performance, which bums me out to no end, but they sounded alright together.
I don't get a commercial break to recover from that, cause Burnell's doing Stevie Wonder's "My Cherie Amour". He's rocking the all-white suit, and doing the Carlton Banks dance one-handed. That's good! But he always strikes me as tense, focused on nailing every note and not the whole song, and is not getting better as a performer. That's bad! He's starting to bug me. Nicki loved it. Randy reminds everyone they're both from Louisiana and says Burnell is also in it to win it. Keith: "Where's Ron Burgundy when you need him?" I have no idea why he said that, but it's got to be the best judge feedback anyone, anywhere, has ever received.
Angie's getting "Shop Around" by The Supremes, and she's vowing to be fun, crazy, and have attitude. How about one time, you just sing and don't worry about how you're coming off, huh? She's turned it into a rock song, I mean, to the extent that Idol rocks. She's no longer wearing the hot pants, but she's still acting. Oh, and the vocal is shouty and off key everywhere. Other than that, it's great. But then, every performance by her is great, assuming all she wants is to sing on Broadway. Randy points out the bad vocal. Mariah wished she had done another piano song. Keith said she put too much energy into it and it made her singing sharp. Nicki said something awesome: "You wanted to show another side of Angie that didn't need to be shown." Yeah, that's what actresses do. As long as she's this aggressively sexy, she's not winning. But the whole skanky diva thing is entertaining as hell from where I sit.
Amber's singing "Lately" by Stevie Wonder, and Smokey and Jimmy make it clear she doesn't belong anywhere near the Bottom 3. Not that that's gonna help her any. She's pushing a little hard, because it's gonna be one of those big-notes-and-runs performances. Alright, fair enough. I guess it was good for what it was, but I hate these types of performances. And, of course, she gets the standing O from the judges. Mariah: "That was a tour de force... does anyone know what a tour de force is?" Nicki keeps telling her to wear pink lipstick. This might be the first case I've ever seen of "Damning with strong praise".
The three remaining guys are doing the Four Tops "Can't Help Myself", and this will be all kinds of ugly. Aaaaand, Lazaro doesn't know any of his words. Like, at all. We have the season's first real "everything falls apart" performance, and I am delighted. Burnell and Devin are like two guys bailing water out of a sinking lifeboat, and Lazaro is a shark that likes to eat lifeboats. Nicki: "I don't know what that was, but I'ma pretend I didn't even see that." Burnell says "Not to throw anyone under the bus, but..." Yeah, you kind of did anyway. So much for a girl going home tomorrow night.
Kree gets to close the show with "Don't Play That Song" by Aretha Franklin. Smokey's obviously crazy about Kree, and for the purposes of this season of Idol, so am I. She's just so much more comfortable on stage than anyone else, even in giant sparkly silver heels. I enjoy how she just lets it rip, and it always ends up in the right place. This performance is more of the same from her. Randy: "You're here to stay."
So the big takeaway from tonight: I would take Kree over the field if I was betting on a winner, and I grudgingly admit Janelle has a little sump'm sump'm going for her. The questions for the results are as follows: Did Lazaro bomb hard enough to win sympathy votes? Did the judges oversell Amber's performance to the point she falls to the bottom again? Did Candice get lost in the shuffle by going first? Did Angie just sabotage herself with a magical pair of hot pants? Will Devin or Burnell get dragged down via the group performance? My answers: Yes, no, yes, no, and yes. Bottom 3 is Devin, Lazaro, and Candice, with Devin going home. I'm not at all sure about any of this, though. Outside of the two country girls, who won the night going away, nobody should feel comfortable.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
MLB 2013 Season Preview: Part I, AL East
I've got 5 days until the regular season starts, so it's time to interrupt this weekly Idol nonsense with something I actually care about: Which group of millionaires I don't know personally will hoist an overly elaborate trophy in October! This series of posts is made possible by Tim Dierkes of MLBTraderumors.com, whose hard work on the "Offseason in Review" series makes bums like myself capable of sounding knowledgeable. Baseball-reference.com and Baseballprospectus.com also played a role. In an effort to get this all done before the first pitch, I'm going to start with the division that's the hardest to predict, so we'll start with the suddenly-interesting AL East.
First place: Tampa Bay Rays
Last season: 90-72, 3rd place
Notable acquisitions: Signed FA SP The Former Fausto Carmona, 1B James Loney, IF Kelly Johnson. Re-signed UT Luke Scott, RP's Kyle Farnsworth, Joel Peralta, and Fernando Rodney. Acquired SS Yunel Escobar from Miami. Acquired OF Wil Myers and prospects from Kansas City.
Notable losses: SP James Shields, 1B Carlos Pena, UT Jeff Keppinger, OF B.J. Upton, RP's J.P. Howell and Wade Davis.
The Rays have replaced the Oakland A's as the perennially-contending young team that rebuilds on the fly and is still a factor every year. This winter, the headlines were the loss of Upton to free agency and the cashing in of Shields and Davis for a group of young, cheap, talented players led by Wil Myers. Myers and holdover Desmond Jennings stand a chance of replacing Upton's production, and while the rotation would be better with Shields still in it, the depth of the Rays' pitching should continue to amaze.
Second place: New York Yankees
Last season: 95-67. Won AL East, beat Baltimore in ALDS, lost to Detroit in ALCS
Notable acquisitions: Signed FA 3B Kevin Youkilis, DH Travis Hafner, and OF's Juan Rivera and Matt Diaz. Re-signed FA SP's Hiroki Kuroda and Andy Pettitte, OF Ichiro Suzuki, and RP Mariano Rivera. Acquired OF Vernon Wells from The Red Team.
Notable losses: SP Freddy Garcia, RP Rafael Soriano, OF's Nick Swisher, Raul Ibanez, and Andruw Jones, 3B Eric Chavez, C Russell Martin.
There's not a lot to comment on with these moves, as the core of one of baseball's oldest teams comes back to give it one more go. The biggest issue is, and will continue to be, health. Curtis Granderson and Mark Teixeira are both out for at least two months, and Cap'n Jetes still can't run the bases on his rehabbed ankle. Factor in the losses of Swisher and Martin, and that's a loss of power that would cripple any team without a $180MM payroll. Phil Hughes won't be ready for the start of the season, and all those missed trades the Yanks could have made in years past by including Hughes or Joba Chamberlain look a lot worse in retrospect. Of course, I'm writing this in late March. The baseball season is long, and I expect talent to win out. C.C. Sabathia and Robinson Cano are still elite players- Cano among the five most valuable in the game- and as long as two or three of the team's other horses are healthy at any given time, I'm not exactly putting on my Yankees grave-dancing shoes yet.
Third place: Toronto Blue Jays
Last season: 73-89, 4th place
Notable acquisitions: Signed FA OF Melky Cabrera, IF's Mark Derosa and Maicer Izturis, C Henry Blanco. Re-signed RP Darren Oliver. Acquired SP R.A. Dickey and C's Josh Thole and Mike Nickeas from the New York Mets. Acquired SS Jose Reyes, SP's Josh Johnson and Mark Buerhle, and UT Emilio Bonifacio from Miami.
Notable losses: IF's Yunel Escobar and Kelly Johnson; SP's Henderson Alvarez and Carlos Villanueva, RP's Jason Frasor and Brandon Lyon, most of their top minor league prospects.
When GM Alex Anthopolous took over, he made the same promises of "Being able to spend when the time is right" that his predecessor made. This time, he followed through and rewrote the rules for when a team gets to say they're "All-in". It's hard enough to obtain an ace, let alone an ace and the two guys who follow him in the rotation. Throw in a perennial All-Star shortstop and a guy who was in the NL MVP discussion before his PED suspension, and it's easy to see why experts, pundits, and expert pundits have a hard time resisting the allure of this team. Even though I'm bullish on all their additions, I still look at a team that's going to have to improve by roughly 20 games to make the playoffs. It's not impossible, but it can't all be the new guys making the difference. Colby Rasmus has to relearn how to hit. Ricky Romero needs to pitch his way back from baseball oblivion. And it'd be nice if Brett Lawrie got healthy, or if Josh Johnson and Jose Bautista stayed that way. Barring all that (Or dueling Cy-Young seasons out of Morrow, Dickey, and Johnson), I pronounce this team overhyped.
Fourth place: Baltimore Orioles
Last season: 93-69, 2nd place. Won the Wild Card game vs. Texas, lost in ALDS to the Yankees.
Notable acquisitions: None.
Notable losses: 1B Mark Reynolds, SP Joe Saunders.
Baltimore was the bane of statheads last year, staying on a 90+-win pace all year despite having a negative run differential until late summer. How it happened is still kind of a mystery, but their anomalous success in games decided by one run points to a deep bullpen and a manager who knows how to use it. That said, that's probably enough to get you to a .600 win percentage. The O's were 29-9 last year in one-run games and that is unsustainable. There's positive momentum here, what with the team's first playoff appearance since 1997 and the arrival of kind-of-a-big-deal prospects Manny Machado and Dylan Bundy, but without any roster reinforcements to counteract the natural regression to the mean, it should surprise nobody if the O's win about 80 games.
Fifth place: Boston Red Sox
Last season: 69-93, 5th place
Notable acquisitions: Signed free agents OF Shane Victorino, SP Ryan Dempster, OF Johnny Gomes, SS Stephen Drew, C David Ross, C/1B Mike Napoli, RP Koji Uehara. Re-signed FA DH David Ortiz. Acquired RP Joel Hanrahan from Pittsburgh. Acquired manager John Farrell from Toronto.
Notable losses: SP Daisuke Matsuzaka, RP Mark Melancon, OF Cody Ross, IF Mike Aviles.
Not listed above is the franchise makeover trade from last August, where the Red Sox traded Josh Beckett, Adrian Gonzalez, and Carl Crawford to the Dodgers for salary relief, a pair of interesting young pitchers, and some filler. While they wait for Allan Webster and Rubby de la Rosa to develop, they'll count on bounceback seasons from Clay Buchholtz, Jon Lester, and John Lackey. Ryan Dempster is supposed to provide support, but based on his AL debut last year with Texas, I'm not optimistic. They did better on the offensive side: Mike Napoli came cheap and should hit some bombs, Stephen Drew is an intriguing stopgap at short until one of their young players claims the job, and re-signing Ortiz just seems like the thing to do. The big issue is twofold: The unpredictability of all five starting pitchers, and the age issues exacerbated by signing Dempster and Victorino. Will the Red Sox be better than their 2012 selves? I lean towards yes. But are they better than any other team in their division? I don't think so.
First place: Tampa Bay Rays
Last season: 90-72, 3rd place
Notable acquisitions: Signed FA SP The Former Fausto Carmona, 1B James Loney, IF Kelly Johnson. Re-signed UT Luke Scott, RP's Kyle Farnsworth, Joel Peralta, and Fernando Rodney. Acquired SS Yunel Escobar from Miami. Acquired OF Wil Myers and prospects from Kansas City.
Notable losses: SP James Shields, 1B Carlos Pena, UT Jeff Keppinger, OF B.J. Upton, RP's J.P. Howell and Wade Davis.
The Rays have replaced the Oakland A's as the perennially-contending young team that rebuilds on the fly and is still a factor every year. This winter, the headlines were the loss of Upton to free agency and the cashing in of Shields and Davis for a group of young, cheap, talented players led by Wil Myers. Myers and holdover Desmond Jennings stand a chance of replacing Upton's production, and while the rotation would be better with Shields still in it, the depth of the Rays' pitching should continue to amaze.
Second place: New York Yankees
Last season: 95-67. Won AL East, beat Baltimore in ALDS, lost to Detroit in ALCS
Notable acquisitions: Signed FA 3B Kevin Youkilis, DH Travis Hafner, and OF's Juan Rivera and Matt Diaz. Re-signed FA SP's Hiroki Kuroda and Andy Pettitte, OF Ichiro Suzuki, and RP Mariano Rivera. Acquired OF Vernon Wells from The Red Team.
Notable losses: SP Freddy Garcia, RP Rafael Soriano, OF's Nick Swisher, Raul Ibanez, and Andruw Jones, 3B Eric Chavez, C Russell Martin.
There's not a lot to comment on with these moves, as the core of one of baseball's oldest teams comes back to give it one more go. The biggest issue is, and will continue to be, health. Curtis Granderson and Mark Teixeira are both out for at least two months, and Cap'n Jetes still can't run the bases on his rehabbed ankle. Factor in the losses of Swisher and Martin, and that's a loss of power that would cripple any team without a $180MM payroll. Phil Hughes won't be ready for the start of the season, and all those missed trades the Yanks could have made in years past by including Hughes or Joba Chamberlain look a lot worse in retrospect. Of course, I'm writing this in late March. The baseball season is long, and I expect talent to win out. C.C. Sabathia and Robinson Cano are still elite players- Cano among the five most valuable in the game- and as long as two or three of the team's other horses are healthy at any given time, I'm not exactly putting on my Yankees grave-dancing shoes yet.
Third place: Toronto Blue Jays
Last season: 73-89, 4th place
Notable acquisitions: Signed FA OF Melky Cabrera, IF's Mark Derosa and Maicer Izturis, C Henry Blanco. Re-signed RP Darren Oliver. Acquired SP R.A. Dickey and C's Josh Thole and Mike Nickeas from the New York Mets. Acquired SS Jose Reyes, SP's Josh Johnson and Mark Buerhle, and UT Emilio Bonifacio from Miami.
Notable losses: IF's Yunel Escobar and Kelly Johnson; SP's Henderson Alvarez and Carlos Villanueva, RP's Jason Frasor and Brandon Lyon, most of their top minor league prospects.
When GM Alex Anthopolous took over, he made the same promises of "Being able to spend when the time is right" that his predecessor made. This time, he followed through and rewrote the rules for when a team gets to say they're "All-in". It's hard enough to obtain an ace, let alone an ace and the two guys who follow him in the rotation. Throw in a perennial All-Star shortstop and a guy who was in the NL MVP discussion before his PED suspension, and it's easy to see why experts, pundits, and expert pundits have a hard time resisting the allure of this team. Even though I'm bullish on all their additions, I still look at a team that's going to have to improve by roughly 20 games to make the playoffs. It's not impossible, but it can't all be the new guys making the difference. Colby Rasmus has to relearn how to hit. Ricky Romero needs to pitch his way back from baseball oblivion. And it'd be nice if Brett Lawrie got healthy, or if Josh Johnson and Jose Bautista stayed that way. Barring all that (Or dueling Cy-Young seasons out of Morrow, Dickey, and Johnson), I pronounce this team overhyped.
Fourth place: Baltimore Orioles
Last season: 93-69, 2nd place. Won the Wild Card game vs. Texas, lost in ALDS to the Yankees.
Notable acquisitions: None.
Notable losses: 1B Mark Reynolds, SP Joe Saunders.
Baltimore was the bane of statheads last year, staying on a 90+-win pace all year despite having a negative run differential until late summer. How it happened is still kind of a mystery, but their anomalous success in games decided by one run points to a deep bullpen and a manager who knows how to use it. That said, that's probably enough to get you to a .600 win percentage. The O's were 29-9 last year in one-run games and that is unsustainable. There's positive momentum here, what with the team's first playoff appearance since 1997 and the arrival of kind-of-a-big-deal prospects Manny Machado and Dylan Bundy, but without any roster reinforcements to counteract the natural regression to the mean, it should surprise nobody if the O's win about 80 games.
Fifth place: Boston Red Sox
Last season: 69-93, 5th place
Notable acquisitions: Signed free agents OF Shane Victorino, SP Ryan Dempster, OF Johnny Gomes, SS Stephen Drew, C David Ross, C/1B Mike Napoli, RP Koji Uehara. Re-signed FA DH David Ortiz. Acquired RP Joel Hanrahan from Pittsburgh. Acquired manager John Farrell from Toronto.
Notable losses: SP Daisuke Matsuzaka, RP Mark Melancon, OF Cody Ross, IF Mike Aviles.
Not listed above is the franchise makeover trade from last August, where the Red Sox traded Josh Beckett, Adrian Gonzalez, and Carl Crawford to the Dodgers for salary relief, a pair of interesting young pitchers, and some filler. While they wait for Allan Webster and Rubby de la Rosa to develop, they'll count on bounceback seasons from Clay Buchholtz, Jon Lester, and John Lackey. Ryan Dempster is supposed to provide support, but based on his AL debut last year with Texas, I'm not optimistic. They did better on the offensive side: Mike Napoli came cheap and should hit some bombs, Stephen Drew is an intriguing stopgap at short until one of their young players claims the job, and re-signing Ortiz just seems like the thing to do. The big issue is twofold: The unpredictability of all five starting pitchers, and the age issues exacerbated by signing Dempster and Victorino. Will the Red Sox be better than their 2012 selves? I lean towards yes. But are they better than any other team in their division? I don't think so.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Terrible TV: American Idol 12 Top 9
It's Beatles week, and I'm ready to be bored. Let's do this thing.
This week is brought to you by the absence of all substances, which will
make this the first Idol I've watched sober, maybe ever. Anyway, they
start with the results from whatever they're calling this- two of the
people who missed the top 10 got to sing last week, and people voted one
of them onto the Idols Live tour. One of Aubrey Cleland and Charlie
Askew will get to go, and it's... Aubrey. That's fine, I mean, it's not
like she's entertaining or anything so she'll fit right in.
Kree starts things off, and I guess if I have to root for anyone it's probably her. She was the highlight last week, and I don't see anyone really making me go all fanboy this season, so maybe this is as good as it's gonna get. She's doing "A Little Help From My Friends", and she looks and sounds good. Urban likes her identity, as does Nicki. Randy does a fake-out before completely agreeing. America loves Kree too.
So here's Burnell Taylor. Did you know he's from Louisiana? I did. He's getting "Let It Be", and it should be good, because he can sing and it's one of the biggest songs ever, but he doesn't know the song. Let's see... Well he learned the words, and he isn't going too far off melody. Yeah, that worked. He shouldn't be going home, but that means nothing. Nicki talks about artistry, so I guess the show is officially back to its rightful place, firmly lodged up its own ass. Keith says Burnell has the most unmistakable tone in the competition, which is technically true. America likes him, but not as much as they liked Kree.
Now it's time for Amber Holcomb, who I see as a possible winner. She's singing "She's Leaving Home", which is not a song I know that well. It's a little sleepy, but the stripped-down arrangement makes sense to showcase her voice. Another great vocal from her, if a little bit on the boring side. Randy compares Amber's family to "Modern Family", Mariah asks whether Amber knew the song or not when she'd already said she didn't, Keith says it's his favorite Beatles song and liked the way she did it, and Nicki says she should be wearing more light-colored lipstick. Winners, each and every one of them. Anyway, I like Amber OK but I'm thinking she might be getting sandbagged. Who's going to remember that performance an hour from now? America still leans toward "Wonderful" on her, but with a pretty big chunk of "Whatever".
It's Lazaro next. VFTW has made him their pick, which is a sad commentary on the lack of real entertainment value; they picked the dude with the stutter. He's doing "In My Life", and the hits just keep coming from his wardrobe as he's going with yellow tonight. He sounds nervous, rushed, and in general just doesn't seem connected. Forgettable at best, but he was worse last week and VFTW pushed him up to 4th place. Nicki makes the only point worth making, that he hasn't been good for a couple weeks and he's in trouble. Randy says he was out of tune from beginning to end, which is also valid. America echoes Randy, which is sad even when it's the right thing to do.
Seacrest comes back from the break and basically asks the judges why they were so mean to Lazaro. I guess this is Idol going meta, and it says it all that it's still not coherent or informative. And on that note, here comes Candice Glover. She's chosen "Come Together", and I am not optimistic. Like everybody else, she's struggling with not knowing her song in the rehearsals, and lyrics that make no sense to her, but she comes out pretty strong. Mojo filters, juju eyeballs, doesn't matter, she's got it. Somehow this was the best performance of the night so far. Randy: "I don't know what's going on with your face, but the voice is crazy." Haha, burn. Once again, Idol App users just reflect what the judges are saying. Boo.
Paul Jolley comes from Tennessee, which I guess is why he thinks he's a country singer. He's taking on "Eleanor Rigby", and you know, if you're doing one of the Beatles' hardest rocking songs, the one thing you absolutely have to do is take all the rock out of it. Good job on that, Paul. If you weren't the last white guy standing, you'd already be history. Nicki calls it safe, bland, and forgettable, and she's not wrong. Randy doesn't know, which is not news. America is split between the three poll answers. I mean, if the judges don't like the one guy who looks like an Idol winner, what's America supposed to do?
Angie Miller was voted "Next American Idol" by her high school class, which is a pretty great and subtle burn. She's doing "Yesterday", and Jimmy Iovine is doing his part in pimping her. She's always at least a little theatrical, and this is no different. The first 30 seconds are nice, and soft, and intimate, and after that she still sounds Broadway to me. Randy namedrops Paramour and Evanescence, and to that I say no. Nicki says she could do Disney movies and Broadway, which is what I've been trying to tell her. As far as I can tell, she either goes Anne Hathaway or Chasey Lain. I doubt I will enjoy her either way.
Devin Velez goes to military school, which is probably the last thing we'll learn about him before he goes home for being a boy who likes boys. He's singing "The Long and Winding Road", and wants to alter it and sing it like Brian McKnight. Um, yeah, probably not the way to go. It's boring and predictable, but the vocal was pretty strong. I don't think Devin's getting a fair shake on this show; he's really better than a bunch of the other contestants and nobody's just saying that. Nicki says it was "truthful", and Randy says he brought his swagger back. I smell bottom 3. Maybe if he'd just start wearing grey and playing an acoustic guitar every week...
Janelle Arthur gets to close the show with "I Will", a song I don't think I've ever heard. Jimmy tells her she can't sing without breathing. This might be her best vocal yet; I just don't care that much because she's just another country-pop singer trying to use the Idol apparatus to achieve moderate semi-stardom. Meh. The judges gush to fill time, and then we're done.
So I've done OK with my predictions so far- 9 for 10 on the top 10, and 2 out of 3 for last week's bottom 3. I'll take Devin, Paul, and Candice. More good performances than bad this week, so I'm just falling back on what voters traditionally do: get rid of anyone who's got anything interesting going for them. Paul gets bottom 3'd- and I think sent home- because he's just nothing special and that's becoming too obvious to ignore.
Kree starts things off, and I guess if I have to root for anyone it's probably her. She was the highlight last week, and I don't see anyone really making me go all fanboy this season, so maybe this is as good as it's gonna get. She's doing "A Little Help From My Friends", and she looks and sounds good. Urban likes her identity, as does Nicki. Randy does a fake-out before completely agreeing. America loves Kree too.
So here's Burnell Taylor. Did you know he's from Louisiana? I did. He's getting "Let It Be", and it should be good, because he can sing and it's one of the biggest songs ever, but he doesn't know the song. Let's see... Well he learned the words, and he isn't going too far off melody. Yeah, that worked. He shouldn't be going home, but that means nothing. Nicki talks about artistry, so I guess the show is officially back to its rightful place, firmly lodged up its own ass. Keith says Burnell has the most unmistakable tone in the competition, which is technically true. America likes him, but not as much as they liked Kree.
Now it's time for Amber Holcomb, who I see as a possible winner. She's singing "She's Leaving Home", which is not a song I know that well. It's a little sleepy, but the stripped-down arrangement makes sense to showcase her voice. Another great vocal from her, if a little bit on the boring side. Randy compares Amber's family to "Modern Family", Mariah asks whether Amber knew the song or not when she'd already said she didn't, Keith says it's his favorite Beatles song and liked the way she did it, and Nicki says she should be wearing more light-colored lipstick. Winners, each and every one of them. Anyway, I like Amber OK but I'm thinking she might be getting sandbagged. Who's going to remember that performance an hour from now? America still leans toward "Wonderful" on her, but with a pretty big chunk of "Whatever".
It's Lazaro next. VFTW has made him their pick, which is a sad commentary on the lack of real entertainment value; they picked the dude with the stutter. He's doing "In My Life", and the hits just keep coming from his wardrobe as he's going with yellow tonight. He sounds nervous, rushed, and in general just doesn't seem connected. Forgettable at best, but he was worse last week and VFTW pushed him up to 4th place. Nicki makes the only point worth making, that he hasn't been good for a couple weeks and he's in trouble. Randy says he was out of tune from beginning to end, which is also valid. America echoes Randy, which is sad even when it's the right thing to do.
Seacrest comes back from the break and basically asks the judges why they were so mean to Lazaro. I guess this is Idol going meta, and it says it all that it's still not coherent or informative. And on that note, here comes Candice Glover. She's chosen "Come Together", and I am not optimistic. Like everybody else, she's struggling with not knowing her song in the rehearsals, and lyrics that make no sense to her, but she comes out pretty strong. Mojo filters, juju eyeballs, doesn't matter, she's got it. Somehow this was the best performance of the night so far. Randy: "I don't know what's going on with your face, but the voice is crazy." Haha, burn. Once again, Idol App users just reflect what the judges are saying. Boo.
Paul Jolley comes from Tennessee, which I guess is why he thinks he's a country singer. He's taking on "Eleanor Rigby", and you know, if you're doing one of the Beatles' hardest rocking songs, the one thing you absolutely have to do is take all the rock out of it. Good job on that, Paul. If you weren't the last white guy standing, you'd already be history. Nicki calls it safe, bland, and forgettable, and she's not wrong. Randy doesn't know, which is not news. America is split between the three poll answers. I mean, if the judges don't like the one guy who looks like an Idol winner, what's America supposed to do?
Angie Miller was voted "Next American Idol" by her high school class, which is a pretty great and subtle burn. She's doing "Yesterday", and Jimmy Iovine is doing his part in pimping her. She's always at least a little theatrical, and this is no different. The first 30 seconds are nice, and soft, and intimate, and after that she still sounds Broadway to me. Randy namedrops Paramour and Evanescence, and to that I say no. Nicki says she could do Disney movies and Broadway, which is what I've been trying to tell her. As far as I can tell, she either goes Anne Hathaway or Chasey Lain. I doubt I will enjoy her either way.
Devin Velez goes to military school, which is probably the last thing we'll learn about him before he goes home for being a boy who likes boys. He's singing "The Long and Winding Road", and wants to alter it and sing it like Brian McKnight. Um, yeah, probably not the way to go. It's boring and predictable, but the vocal was pretty strong. I don't think Devin's getting a fair shake on this show; he's really better than a bunch of the other contestants and nobody's just saying that. Nicki says it was "truthful", and Randy says he brought his swagger back. I smell bottom 3. Maybe if he'd just start wearing grey and playing an acoustic guitar every week...
Janelle Arthur gets to close the show with "I Will", a song I don't think I've ever heard. Jimmy tells her she can't sing without breathing. This might be her best vocal yet; I just don't care that much because she's just another country-pop singer trying to use the Idol apparatus to achieve moderate semi-stardom. Meh. The judges gush to fill time, and then we're done.
So I've done OK with my predictions so far- 9 for 10 on the top 10, and 2 out of 3 for last week's bottom 3. I'll take Devin, Paul, and Candice. More good performances than bad this week, so I'm just falling back on what voters traditionally do: get rid of anyone who's got anything interesting going for them. Paul gets bottom 3'd- and I think sent home- because he's just nothing special and that's becoming too obvious to ignore.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Terrible TV: American Idol 12 Top 10
7:00 on a Wednesday. Time to do this again. The top 10 is supposably doing songs that previous Idol winners performed on the show, or later recorded. I mean, when you can invoke Colton Dixon one week and Scotty McCreery the next, how can that possibly fail? I like Amber Holcomb, I think Curtis Finch Jr. is good but he'll pick up tons of bad habits on this show, and Devin Velez and Angie Miller are the ones who bug me. Here goes. Nicki is not in attendance. She'll be there soon, though. Good. There's the top 10, and Curtis Finch, Jr. is wearing a Persian rug. I am already psyched.
Curtis is singing "I Believe" by Fantasia. I'm on board. All that stuff I said about bad habits came true, one right after another. I feel like he's going to stop singing and tell me to send money to his church any second. Urban: "Excellent. You always pick the right song. You look great." Randy: "Fly jacket. It's always this kind of thing from you, show me some other side." Mariah liked the choir. The Idol app users say 49% "Worse than last week." Yeah, that was kind of worse than everything... But in a way, also better than everything. I am entertained.
Here's Janelle Arthur, who's probably doing Carrie Underwood or some crap. She met Steven Tyler and a dude from Rascall Flatts and... you know what, that's it, I don't need to hear another word out of her mouth. I'm done with her. She's doing a song Scotty did ("Gone" by Montgomery Gentry), so... yeah. It's a vocal trainwreck even when compared to Scotty, which is like Jesus microwaving a burrito so hot he himself could not eat it. Urban says nothing. Nicki showed up, and she didn't like the type of song, which is great because Janelle was just saying how she wanted to be classic country, and then did a pop country song. Randy: wrong song. Mariah likes everything, I guess. Janelle says she got cotton-mouthed while singing. Probably doesn't matter. America is split pretty evenly on that performance, but those 34% who are saying "Better than last week" are also the ones who vote.
I do get to see a Carrie song, but it's Devin Velez singing it. He name drops Madonna and Lady Gaga when discussing Jimmy Iovine's career, and picks "Temporary Home", while making it clear he won't be singing in Spanish this time. I predict the judges hate this. It's bland, even for Idol. Oof. Urban: "Not one of your better performances, wrong song choice, didn't feel like you were confident in the song." Yup. Nicki: "I disagree with every single thing. You looked professional and sounded great." Randy: "Way too safe." Mariah is the new Paula Abdul, so I won't mention her if I can avoid it. That might be it for Devin, because America says you're getting worse and, um, not everybody who votes for Idol loves Lady Gaga and Madonna.
Angie Miller gets compared to a beauty queen by Jimmy Iovine, which is a very polite way of saying the truth. She's trying to sing Celine Dion as well as Kelly Clarkson did. As pointless as that whole exercise is, it gave her an excuse to let it rip. If seeing someone sing a Celine Dion song is your thing, then yeah, she's not murdering it. She's very aware of how she looks on camera but she hasn't learned how to make it seem effortless, and that's part of what annoys me about her. Urban: "You're such an artist, knocked it out of the park." Nicki: "You look like a billion dollars. I love the way you walk in heels. You're just perfection on every level." So this IS a modeling show! Randy: "The competition starts now! Yo! This girl is in it to win it! I think you could sing anything!" I think I just won cliche bingo and I wasn't even playing. America liked it too. I was kind of hoping for a crash and burn, but it'll happen eventually. Her elimination will make for great TV, one week.
Paul Jolley is an oversinger. Yeah, he's the country guy who doesn't do anything country... Until now! He's doing "Amazed" by Lonestar, which apparently Scotty did. Every song choice since Curtis has failed to live up to my unbelievably low expectations. And Paul oversings again. Urban liked it. Nicki talked for a long time to say he's hot and sang it well. Randy says he's been listening to criticisms. Still waiting for someone to tell him he's not a country singer. America said 72% "Better". If he's doing anything better, it's not for a definition of "better" I am familiar with.
Candice Glover's pretty good, and Seacrest is trying to make her cry before she has to sing. Classy! She's doing "I (Who Have Nothing)", which Jordin Sparks did in the first year I wasted watching this nonsense. This has a high ceiling, and I'm hoping it works.... I think it will get pimped all to hell, but this has zero subtlety. She powers every note, no restraint or vulnerability like Jordin Sparks had, no nothing. It showed off a great set of pipes, but it was irritating all the same. She'll be fine for this week, though. Urban is awed. Nicki is ready to retire the song in her honor. Randy: "One of the best performances of the season. Perfect." At this point Mariah goes on a little Grampa Simpson ramble. Well that was fun. America's instant reaction is predictably all positive-- hey, it's almost as if the people voting on this just echo what they hear from the judges.
Lazaro is singing "Break Away" by Kelly Clarkson-- really? Why?-- and we get to listen to him talk for a while. Then he comes out not wearing pink, and his lack of a power voice is showing up here. Bad, bad song choice the producers-- I mean, Lazaro-- made there. Urban makes him talk on live TV. This helps nobody. Nicki: "Probably my least favorite from you." Randy concurs, with just a couple unnecessary "yo"'s. Bottom 3, here we come.
Kree Harrison is doing "Crying" by Roy Orbison, a song Carrie did. Not the most boring choice, I'll give her that. This is the closest to enjoyable any performance has been since Curtis. She's singing the melody and she's into it, so yeah, I have no real objections. Urban: "You could sing the phone book; I would buy your record." Nicki calls her Harry and talks about waffles. What just happened here? Did I fall asleep and have a really boring dream? I kinda want waffles now. Randy: "From note one, I am in." Since I didn't hate that, I can only assume she's going home.
Burnell Taylor is going to pay homage to Ruben Studdard and do another R&B ballad, "Flying Without Wings". He's good. Not especially interesting to me, but good. Urban points out again that he has a unique voice. Nicki didn't like it, but talks herself into it in a matter of seconds. Did the producers put a chip in her brain? Everyone seems pretty lukewarm on Burnell, so he's got a shot at bottom 3.
Amber's got the whole package, and she's getting to sing Kelly Clarkson's Idol finale song. If everyone makes her the chosen one, yeah, she could still lose to Paul Jolley in the finals. They get the ol' wind machine going, which, like all wind machines ever, is unnecessary. Well done though. Nicki said it was the best of the night- audience didn't seem to really agree. She compares her to Whitney Houston, and that's fair. Randy name drops Kelly Clarkson, which didn't give anyone ANY new information at all. Then he said the girls killed the guys tonight.
So... Devin and Lazaro got thrown under the bus this week, and I'll go with Kree to round out the bottom 3, because whenever I enjoy a performance unironically on this show, it's bad news for the person who did it. Paul and Janelle both earned a spot in the bottom 3, but they probably won't get it. I don't see how Lazaro survives past tomorrow night.
Curtis is singing "I Believe" by Fantasia. I'm on board. All that stuff I said about bad habits came true, one right after another. I feel like he's going to stop singing and tell me to send money to his church any second. Urban: "Excellent. You always pick the right song. You look great." Randy: "Fly jacket. It's always this kind of thing from you, show me some other side." Mariah liked the choir. The Idol app users say 49% "Worse than last week." Yeah, that was kind of worse than everything... But in a way, also better than everything. I am entertained.
Here's Janelle Arthur, who's probably doing Carrie Underwood or some crap. She met Steven Tyler and a dude from Rascall Flatts and... you know what, that's it, I don't need to hear another word out of her mouth. I'm done with her. She's doing a song Scotty did ("Gone" by Montgomery Gentry), so... yeah. It's a vocal trainwreck even when compared to Scotty, which is like Jesus microwaving a burrito so hot he himself could not eat it. Urban says nothing. Nicki showed up, and she didn't like the type of song, which is great because Janelle was just saying how she wanted to be classic country, and then did a pop country song. Randy: wrong song. Mariah likes everything, I guess. Janelle says she got cotton-mouthed while singing. Probably doesn't matter. America is split pretty evenly on that performance, but those 34% who are saying "Better than last week" are also the ones who vote.
I do get to see a Carrie song, but it's Devin Velez singing it. He name drops Madonna and Lady Gaga when discussing Jimmy Iovine's career, and picks "Temporary Home", while making it clear he won't be singing in Spanish this time. I predict the judges hate this. It's bland, even for Idol. Oof. Urban: "Not one of your better performances, wrong song choice, didn't feel like you were confident in the song." Yup. Nicki: "I disagree with every single thing. You looked professional and sounded great." Randy: "Way too safe." Mariah is the new Paula Abdul, so I won't mention her if I can avoid it. That might be it for Devin, because America says you're getting worse and, um, not everybody who votes for Idol loves Lady Gaga and Madonna.
Angie Miller gets compared to a beauty queen by Jimmy Iovine, which is a very polite way of saying the truth. She's trying to sing Celine Dion as well as Kelly Clarkson did. As pointless as that whole exercise is, it gave her an excuse to let it rip. If seeing someone sing a Celine Dion song is your thing, then yeah, she's not murdering it. She's very aware of how she looks on camera but she hasn't learned how to make it seem effortless, and that's part of what annoys me about her. Urban: "You're such an artist, knocked it out of the park." Nicki: "You look like a billion dollars. I love the way you walk in heels. You're just perfection on every level." So this IS a modeling show! Randy: "The competition starts now! Yo! This girl is in it to win it! I think you could sing anything!" I think I just won cliche bingo and I wasn't even playing. America liked it too. I was kind of hoping for a crash and burn, but it'll happen eventually. Her elimination will make for great TV, one week.
Paul Jolley is an oversinger. Yeah, he's the country guy who doesn't do anything country... Until now! He's doing "Amazed" by Lonestar, which apparently Scotty did. Every song choice since Curtis has failed to live up to my unbelievably low expectations. And Paul oversings again. Urban liked it. Nicki talked for a long time to say he's hot and sang it well. Randy says he's been listening to criticisms. Still waiting for someone to tell him he's not a country singer. America said 72% "Better". If he's doing anything better, it's not for a definition of "better" I am familiar with.
Candice Glover's pretty good, and Seacrest is trying to make her cry before she has to sing. Classy! She's doing "I (Who Have Nothing)", which Jordin Sparks did in the first year I wasted watching this nonsense. This has a high ceiling, and I'm hoping it works.... I think it will get pimped all to hell, but this has zero subtlety. She powers every note, no restraint or vulnerability like Jordin Sparks had, no nothing. It showed off a great set of pipes, but it was irritating all the same. She'll be fine for this week, though. Urban is awed. Nicki is ready to retire the song in her honor. Randy: "One of the best performances of the season. Perfect." At this point Mariah goes on a little Grampa Simpson ramble. Well that was fun. America's instant reaction is predictably all positive-- hey, it's almost as if the people voting on this just echo what they hear from the judges.
Lazaro is singing "Break Away" by Kelly Clarkson-- really? Why?-- and we get to listen to him talk for a while. Then he comes out not wearing pink, and his lack of a power voice is showing up here. Bad, bad song choice the producers-- I mean, Lazaro-- made there. Urban makes him talk on live TV. This helps nobody. Nicki: "Probably my least favorite from you." Randy concurs, with just a couple unnecessary "yo"'s. Bottom 3, here we come.
Kree Harrison is doing "Crying" by Roy Orbison, a song Carrie did. Not the most boring choice, I'll give her that. This is the closest to enjoyable any performance has been since Curtis. She's singing the melody and she's into it, so yeah, I have no real objections. Urban: "You could sing the phone book; I would buy your record." Nicki calls her Harry and talks about waffles. What just happened here? Did I fall asleep and have a really boring dream? I kinda want waffles now. Randy: "From note one, I am in." Since I didn't hate that, I can only assume she's going home.
Burnell Taylor is going to pay homage to Ruben Studdard and do another R&B ballad, "Flying Without Wings". He's good. Not especially interesting to me, but good. Urban points out again that he has a unique voice. Nicki didn't like it, but talks herself into it in a matter of seconds. Did the producers put a chip in her brain? Everyone seems pretty lukewarm on Burnell, so he's got a shot at bottom 3.
Amber's got the whole package, and she's getting to sing Kelly Clarkson's Idol finale song. If everyone makes her the chosen one, yeah, she could still lose to Paul Jolley in the finals. They get the ol' wind machine going, which, like all wind machines ever, is unnecessary. Well done though. Nicki said it was the best of the night- audience didn't seem to really agree. She compares her to Whitney Houston, and that's fair. Randy name drops Kelly Clarkson, which didn't give anyone ANY new information at all. Then he said the girls killed the guys tonight.
So... Devin and Lazaro got thrown under the bus this week, and I'll go with Kree to round out the bottom 3, because whenever I enjoy a performance unironically on this show, it's bad news for the person who did it. Paul and Janelle both earned a spot in the bottom 3, but they probably won't get it. I don't see how Lazaro survives past tomorrow night.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Terrible TV: American Idol 12 Top 10 Guys
Here we go with another Terrible Television liveblog! In honor of Dude Day, tonight will be brought to you by Absolut White Russians as well as my general contempt for all things Idol.
This year's resident Mogwai, Elijah Liu, kicks things off and wants to connect with all the ladies. He's singing Rihanna's "Stay" and he's definitely not the worst, but he's going for beautiful and he's only making it to 'sleepy'. I guess he's fodder. Urban: "Really great start to the show." Nicki: "I think I would be willing to stay." Randy: "Very current and marketable; my problem is it never got out of first gear." I'll be damned, Randy actually made sense. Mariah: "One of the best performances you've given... You could be very saleable, and your relevancy is your strongest point." I'm not sure what he's relevant to, but ok. America is just over 50% "Eh, not sure". Based on what I've seen from the other guys, that should have been good enough to put him through, but I wouldn't bet on it.
Cortez Shaw, an R&B/Soul type, is next. He sang "Titanium" last time out and was one of the few I remembered, so let's see what he's got. Uh oh, it's Bruno Mars "Locked Out of Heaven", and this guy is not Bruno Mars. And one of the backup singers just keeps going "Yep yep yep, yep yep yyyyup." This is stupid. Urban: "[not] The best song for what you do really well." Nicki: "You was feeling yourself, you got your mojo back... Interesting." Randy: "You're straining and you're always a little under the high notes... Dancing moves and all that was dope." Mariah echoed Keith and name-dropped Sting. I actually thought of that as well, but that's just because that song sounds just like a Police song, not because of anything he did. America is once again "Eh, not sure." with a strong plurality of "Not impressed". Do these people know that Phillip Phillips is not walking through that door? That Scotty McCreery is not walking through that door? It's going to be a long night for anyone who has expectations; TPTB have done everything they can to force America to vote for a female winner, and part of that is making sure all ten guys are losers.
VFTW fave Charlie Askew is up third. He's growing a terrible 'stache, which I'm not sure helps or hurts him, and shouts out to his awkward turtles again. OK, he's in a weird looking wife beater and his hair's tied back... There's a difference between looking quirky and goofy, and just looking bad. He's singing "Mama" by Genesis, and it sucks from beginning to end. Poor little doofus. Urban: "I was looking around the room while you were singing and the expressions on peoples' faces were, uh... varied. Something feels disingenuous a little bit." Nicki: "What happened? I feel like someone stole my kid. I don't want to see your arms, your ponytail, that earring... I'm upset." Randy: "Front part was really really terrible, end turned into a scream." Mariah: "We're at the point where there's a lot of really, really talented singers." Charlie responds by fighting back tears and saying "I needed to vent a little... People think I'm all happy and bouncy but the only reason I smile so much is because I feel like I have to." OK, that was the opposite of disingenuous. I'm not sure I've ever seen anyone with integrity on this show before. America is 70% "Not impressed" with Charlie, and I am 100% "Not impressed" with my fellow Idol App users.
Now it's Nick Boddington time. I've seen him at least two years running, and he didn't make the voting rounds last year. I kind of wonder why anyone would agree to go through this more than once. Masochism and stupidity are the only answers I can come up with. He's doing the Goo Goo Dolls' "Iris" while seated at the piano. I've been listening to the Goo Goo Dolls lately, because "A Boy Named Goo" is front to back awesomeness. I just do not like this song unless Beatrice Miller is singing it. His tone's pretty good for it, but the line "You bleed just to know you're alive" needs to have, well, blood in it. Still, that was probably the best performance so far. Urban: "Perfect song choice... Nervous in certain spots, vulnerability in your tone." Nicki: "I wanted you to keep the original melody... It's true to you but I don't know if it'll get billions of votes." Randy: "I'm happy that you did that, good solid performance." Also some namedrops. Mariah: "Happy to see you at the piano." America is split between "Amazing" and "Not sure." probably because they're "Not sure" he likes girls.
Here comes Burnell Taylor, the guy who lost everything to Katrina, lost a ton of weight and now dresses like a geek-chic NBA player. Ooh, and tonight he's got a stonewashed denim jacket and backwards camo cap. That's proper. He's doing "I'm Here" from "The Color Purple", the song he performed at his first audition, and I think this time he's pushing the runs too hard and over-enunciating more than a little. Still and all, he's got real talent, he just has to learn how to use it. Urban: "I believe you and I feel it... I loved it." Nicki: "You were born to do this... I hope people vote for you." Randy: "Urgency in your voice... Love you." Mariah: "Tearful moment." America said 75% amazing. Whatever.
Paul Jolley is up next, and gets a sit-down with Seacrest, where we find out he was an extra in country music videos. Then we're reminded that it took a tiebreaker vote from Jimmy Iovine just to get him this far. I'm actually not hating this performance ("Just a Fool" by Christina Aguilera). He's showing some range, he's connecting to the song... Yeah, that was good by Idol standards. Then he ruins it by saying he wants to be the guy version of Taylor Swift, and I start planning on throwing him down a well and explaining how he is never ever ever returning to the surface world. Urban: "You keep underestimating the quality of your voice; you can just ease into it more." Nicki: "Keith, is he believable? OK. I personally thought it was a solid performance." Randy: "The beginning I loved, the end I was like eh, not so much." Mariah: "If theatrical is part of the mixture of who you are... I think the crowd enjoyed it and really felt what you were giving." Seacrest asks Urban directly if he liked it, and Keith replies "I like Paul." America is split between "Amazing" and "Not sure." He wants to be a pop-country singer, but so far, I haven't seen anything country about him at all. I mean, he hasn't said "y'all" or "reckon" or anything yet. Credibility gap!
Now it's time for stutterin' Lazaro Arbos, who had n-n-n-never performed for a l-l-l-live audience before two weeks ago. He's doing "Feeling Good", which might be the most overdone Idol song of all. Dude sure loves his pink shirts. Pretty average performance, although it is cool how he sings but can't speak. Urban: "I love the way you connect with everybody. Great job." Nicki: "I loved it, I love you, people went crazy for you... You put some attitude on it." Randy: "This guy thinks he's in it to win it and he is!" Mariah: "You just throw yourself into whatever song you're doing... [some technical criticism drowned out by boos from idiots in the crowd]." America says 84% "A-ma-ma-ma-ma-mazing", cause it doesn't matter that it's a song they've heard two billion times, it's a CROWD PLEASER. Blegh.
"Worship Leader Curtis Finch Jr." is apparently the full name of our next contestant, because we can't take the risk that people might forget he likes Jesus. He says growing up as a Jr. made him feel like he didn't have his own identity because he didn't have his own name. Poor guy, how does he manage? Oh wait, I've done fine with it. In fact, it's never occurred to me to have a problem with it. He's doing "I Believe I Can Fly", and shows some good restraint in the first half before pulling out the falsetto and every other trick in the book later on. Standing O from the judges. Urban: "Sermon in Vegas, baby! I believe you can fly, Curtis!" Hahaha, oh man, best line ever. So original, too! Nicki: "That is something that cannot be measured by the number of votes you get... People are hurting and we need [Jesus music]!" Randy: "Praise God, and mad props to the great R. Kelly." Yet another sentence that has never been said before in history. "The competition just started right here." Mariah: "Thank you for that performance. [That] was what I needed in my life right now." America says 88% "Amazing". Hmm. I'm thinking a black winner could really happen, since, you know, the 4 best singers in the competition are all black.
Devin Velez sings in both English and Spanish, which will go over awesome with American Idol voters. *Snickers* He's not bad, and the Spanish verse he throws in on this song ("Somos Novios" by Andrea Bocelli) works pretty well. I gotta say, compared to everything else I've seen tonight, Devin and Curtis are on another level. Urban: "Beginning was a little shaky... once you found your zone, man, you are such a good, good singer. You are so gifted." Nicki: "Muy bien, perfecto, gordo- wait, it's not fat." Randy: "Your tone is a tone that I really, really, like. I'm like yo! You're good looking, like me." God, shut up man. Mariah: "That performance was incredible." America says 82% "Amazing".
Vincent Powell, who closed his semifinal show to rave reviews, gets to do the same thing this week. He's doing "End of the Road" by Boyz II Men, and me and Boyz II Men go way back. Seriously, I still know all the words to this song. He's just doing runs all over the place, not bothering with melody or any of that other nonsense. Smells like wasted opportunity to me. Urban: "Nerves got on top of your talent." Nicki: "Your voice didn't come alive in that song." Randy: "You just overshot it a little bit." Mariah: "There were moments of brilliance, I just want America to vote for you." Me, I think he's about 30 years away from looking exactly like Hans Moleman. America is 55% "Not Sure", but when you get to sing last, that's a pretty big bump.
So, Devin, Curtis, and Lazaro look to be shoo-ins. I would say Burnell and Vincent round out the top 5, but there's no way no crackers go through. Let's say Burnell goes home, Vincent has to settle for a Wild Card spot, VFTW goes nuts to push Charlie into the top 10, and the people who voted for the last 5 winners of this show realize that Paul Jolley is the closest thing to Phillip Phillips they're gonna get, and they put him through. I'm not crazy about those 5, but so many of tonight's performers sucked, I don't know if I can say I'd like any other set of 5 better. Ugh. Thank Dog I get to write about "Grey's Anatomy" tomorrow night. Compared to what I've watched the past two nights, it'll be downright enlightening.
This year's resident Mogwai, Elijah Liu, kicks things off and wants to connect with all the ladies. He's singing Rihanna's "Stay" and he's definitely not the worst, but he's going for beautiful and he's only making it to 'sleepy'. I guess he's fodder. Urban: "Really great start to the show." Nicki: "I think I would be willing to stay." Randy: "Very current and marketable; my problem is it never got out of first gear." I'll be damned, Randy actually made sense. Mariah: "One of the best performances you've given... You could be very saleable, and your relevancy is your strongest point." I'm not sure what he's relevant to, but ok. America is just over 50% "Eh, not sure". Based on what I've seen from the other guys, that should have been good enough to put him through, but I wouldn't bet on it.
Cortez Shaw, an R&B/Soul type, is next. He sang "Titanium" last time out and was one of the few I remembered, so let's see what he's got. Uh oh, it's Bruno Mars "Locked Out of Heaven", and this guy is not Bruno Mars. And one of the backup singers just keeps going "Yep yep yep, yep yep yyyyup." This is stupid. Urban: "[not] The best song for what you do really well." Nicki: "You was feeling yourself, you got your mojo back... Interesting." Randy: "You're straining and you're always a little under the high notes... Dancing moves and all that was dope." Mariah echoed Keith and name-dropped Sting. I actually thought of that as well, but that's just because that song sounds just like a Police song, not because of anything he did. America is once again "Eh, not sure." with a strong plurality of "Not impressed". Do these people know that Phillip Phillips is not walking through that door? That Scotty McCreery is not walking through that door? It's going to be a long night for anyone who has expectations; TPTB have done everything they can to force America to vote for a female winner, and part of that is making sure all ten guys are losers.
VFTW fave Charlie Askew is up third. He's growing a terrible 'stache, which I'm not sure helps or hurts him, and shouts out to his awkward turtles again. OK, he's in a weird looking wife beater and his hair's tied back... There's a difference between looking quirky and goofy, and just looking bad. He's singing "Mama" by Genesis, and it sucks from beginning to end. Poor little doofus. Urban: "I was looking around the room while you were singing and the expressions on peoples' faces were, uh... varied. Something feels disingenuous a little bit." Nicki: "What happened? I feel like someone stole my kid. I don't want to see your arms, your ponytail, that earring... I'm upset." Randy: "Front part was really really terrible, end turned into a scream." Mariah: "We're at the point where there's a lot of really, really talented singers." Charlie responds by fighting back tears and saying "I needed to vent a little... People think I'm all happy and bouncy but the only reason I smile so much is because I feel like I have to." OK, that was the opposite of disingenuous. I'm not sure I've ever seen anyone with integrity on this show before. America is 70% "Not impressed" with Charlie, and I am 100% "Not impressed" with my fellow Idol App users.
Now it's Nick Boddington time. I've seen him at least two years running, and he didn't make the voting rounds last year. I kind of wonder why anyone would agree to go through this more than once. Masochism and stupidity are the only answers I can come up with. He's doing the Goo Goo Dolls' "Iris" while seated at the piano. I've been listening to the Goo Goo Dolls lately, because "A Boy Named Goo" is front to back awesomeness. I just do not like this song unless Beatrice Miller is singing it. His tone's pretty good for it, but the line "You bleed just to know you're alive" needs to have, well, blood in it. Still, that was probably the best performance so far. Urban: "Perfect song choice... Nervous in certain spots, vulnerability in your tone." Nicki: "I wanted you to keep the original melody... It's true to you but I don't know if it'll get billions of votes." Randy: "I'm happy that you did that, good solid performance." Also some namedrops. Mariah: "Happy to see you at the piano." America is split between "Amazing" and "Not sure." probably because they're "Not sure" he likes girls.
Here comes Burnell Taylor, the guy who lost everything to Katrina, lost a ton of weight and now dresses like a geek-chic NBA player. Ooh, and tonight he's got a stonewashed denim jacket and backwards camo cap. That's proper. He's doing "I'm Here" from "The Color Purple", the song he performed at his first audition, and I think this time he's pushing the runs too hard and over-enunciating more than a little. Still and all, he's got real talent, he just has to learn how to use it. Urban: "I believe you and I feel it... I loved it." Nicki: "You were born to do this... I hope people vote for you." Randy: "Urgency in your voice... Love you." Mariah: "Tearful moment." America said 75% amazing. Whatever.
Paul Jolley is up next, and gets a sit-down with Seacrest, where we find out he was an extra in country music videos. Then we're reminded that it took a tiebreaker vote from Jimmy Iovine just to get him this far. I'm actually not hating this performance ("Just a Fool" by Christina Aguilera). He's showing some range, he's connecting to the song... Yeah, that was good by Idol standards. Then he ruins it by saying he wants to be the guy version of Taylor Swift, and I start planning on throwing him down a well and explaining how he is never ever ever returning to the surface world. Urban: "You keep underestimating the quality of your voice; you can just ease into it more." Nicki: "Keith, is he believable? OK. I personally thought it was a solid performance." Randy: "The beginning I loved, the end I was like eh, not so much." Mariah: "If theatrical is part of the mixture of who you are... I think the crowd enjoyed it and really felt what you were giving." Seacrest asks Urban directly if he liked it, and Keith replies "I like Paul." America is split between "Amazing" and "Not sure." He wants to be a pop-country singer, but so far, I haven't seen anything country about him at all. I mean, he hasn't said "y'all" or "reckon" or anything yet. Credibility gap!
Now it's time for stutterin' Lazaro Arbos, who had n-n-n-never performed for a l-l-l-live audience before two weeks ago. He's doing "Feeling Good", which might be the most overdone Idol song of all. Dude sure loves his pink shirts. Pretty average performance, although it is cool how he sings but can't speak. Urban: "I love the way you connect with everybody. Great job." Nicki: "I loved it, I love you, people went crazy for you... You put some attitude on it." Randy: "This guy thinks he's in it to win it and he is!" Mariah: "You just throw yourself into whatever song you're doing... [some technical criticism drowned out by boos from idiots in the crowd]." America says 84% "A-ma-ma-ma-ma-mazing", cause it doesn't matter that it's a song they've heard two billion times, it's a CROWD PLEASER. Blegh.
"Worship Leader Curtis Finch Jr." is apparently the full name of our next contestant, because we can't take the risk that people might forget he likes Jesus. He says growing up as a Jr. made him feel like he didn't have his own identity because he didn't have his own name. Poor guy, how does he manage? Oh wait, I've done fine with it. In fact, it's never occurred to me to have a problem with it. He's doing "I Believe I Can Fly", and shows some good restraint in the first half before pulling out the falsetto and every other trick in the book later on. Standing O from the judges. Urban: "Sermon in Vegas, baby! I believe you can fly, Curtis!" Hahaha, oh man, best line ever. So original, too! Nicki: "That is something that cannot be measured by the number of votes you get... People are hurting and we need [Jesus music]!" Randy: "Praise God, and mad props to the great R. Kelly." Yet another sentence that has never been said before in history. "The competition just started right here." Mariah: "Thank you for that performance. [That] was what I needed in my life right now." America says 88% "Amazing". Hmm. I'm thinking a black winner could really happen, since, you know, the 4 best singers in the competition are all black.
Devin Velez sings in both English and Spanish, which will go over awesome with American Idol voters. *Snickers* He's not bad, and the Spanish verse he throws in on this song ("Somos Novios" by Andrea Bocelli) works pretty well. I gotta say, compared to everything else I've seen tonight, Devin and Curtis are on another level. Urban: "Beginning was a little shaky... once you found your zone, man, you are such a good, good singer. You are so gifted." Nicki: "Muy bien, perfecto, gordo- wait, it's not fat." Randy: "Your tone is a tone that I really, really, like. I'm like yo! You're good looking, like me." God, shut up man. Mariah: "That performance was incredible." America says 82% "Amazing".
Vincent Powell, who closed his semifinal show to rave reviews, gets to do the same thing this week. He's doing "End of the Road" by Boyz II Men, and me and Boyz II Men go way back. Seriously, I still know all the words to this song. He's just doing runs all over the place, not bothering with melody or any of that other nonsense. Smells like wasted opportunity to me. Urban: "Nerves got on top of your talent." Nicki: "Your voice didn't come alive in that song." Randy: "You just overshot it a little bit." Mariah: "There were moments of brilliance, I just want America to vote for you." Me, I think he's about 30 years away from looking exactly like Hans Moleman. America is 55% "Not Sure", but when you get to sing last, that's a pretty big bump.
So, Devin, Curtis, and Lazaro look to be shoo-ins. I would say Burnell and Vincent round out the top 5, but there's no way no crackers go through. Let's say Burnell goes home, Vincent has to settle for a Wild Card spot, VFTW goes nuts to push Charlie into the top 10, and the people who voted for the last 5 winners of this show realize that Paul Jolley is the closest thing to Phillip Phillips they're gonna get, and they put him through. I'm not crazy about those 5, but so many of tonight's performers sucked, I don't know if I can say I'd like any other set of 5 better. Ugh. Thank Dog I get to write about "Grey's Anatomy" tomorrow night. Compared to what I've watched the past two nights, it'll be downright enlightening.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Terrible TV: American Idol 12 Top 10 Girls
I've got a pretty time-intensive project I'm working on, and it'll be pretty cool once I start posting it. I'm also working on some sort of baseball predictions, which I'll have up toward the end of the month. But for now, I'd rather waste two hours liveblogging the first live episode of American Idol 12. Tonight, the top 10 girls will perform for votes, and there is no way America could make worse decisions than the judges already have. Seriously, guys. Zoanette? I just don't understand the world sometimes.
Nicki says she would "never want to change anyone's mind". Good; nobody who votes uses their mind. Randy says "It's the girls' season to lose", and lose they will. You know, unless bored housewives, tween girls, and gay guys are no longer the only people who vote. Just because there's no obvious Phillip Phillips Kris Allen David Cook Lee DeWyze doesn't mean one won't emerge. Ryan mentions the "supervote" feature on the app, which I'm pretty sure I'll be unable to use since I don't do Facebook or Twitter. If it would help I might actually get a Tweety, but putting any unnecessary effort into this show doesn't seem fair when the judges, host, and contestants aren't bothering to do the same.
Zoanette is first. She can't sing. Period. She's a joke, and anyone- ANYONE- else from the top 40 would have been better than her. She's kind of singing "What's Love Got To Do With It", and kind of being a one-woman riot. This is completely ridiculous, yet I am not amused. Oh, and she finishes up with a nice little Mariah Carey high note. Urban: "Love the way you perform... Interesting song choice... Don't know if it worked." Nicki: "That wasn't it... You kinda really gotta be on key, and stuff." Randy: "Yo yo yo yo. You know. Heh heh heh. Mad love and respect but that was kind of a mess, dawg." Mariah.... ah, who cares. America is 85% "not impressed" according to the app. Not because she was awful, mind you, but because she's not a white dude.
Breanna Steer is up second. She's cute- actually, she's gorgeous- multiracial, a good singer and a fine performer, so she's screwed before she starts. I don't know this song ("Flaws and All" by Beyonce), but if it comes down to voice she's got a fighting chance. Ha ha, when has this show ever come down to voice. Urban: "Be careful not to be Beyonce." Nicki: "That was not it... I have a sneaking suspicion you're not going through." Randy: "I'm agreeing with my own self." Uh, good, cause nobody else ever understands anything you say. "A little safe." Mariah: "Unique song choice... The package of you says star quality." America is 51% "Eh. Not sure." I can see rooting for this girl if the season stays as bad as it's been so far, but I'm not looking forward to that eventuality. It is at this point that I discover you do need a Facebook to use the supervote, so I guess the only thing the app is good for is reminding me of what these forgettable songs and people are called.
Aubrey Cleland is third, and gets the sit-down with Seacrest. She talks about showing her personality. Silly Aubrey, you're a girl, you don't get to have a personality on this show. She's singing "Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie, and it seems that she's afraid to move in those big ol' heels. The vocal will probably end up being one of the best of the night, but she really has the "hostage in a ransom video" body language going on. Not gonna lie, I sorta liked it anyway. Urban: "You look fantastic." Nicki: "You look amazing." Randy: "A little Rihanna vibe... current, infectious." Mariah: "I love the ensemble." Well good, Aubrey just won American Idol's Top Model. America says 61% "Amazing".
Here's cuntry girl Janelle Arthur, who's going to focus on not changing who she is, which will work great if she packs on 30 pounds or so over the course of the season. Hell, she might even finish second! She's singing Elvis's "If I Can Dream." Urban: "I loved that... classic country voice blended with modern vocal runs" Um, yeah Keith. That's what cracker girls do on this show. Nicki: "You are back, you are a little marshmallow that I wanna eat." Randy: "It's a good thing (That you're not changing yourself) cause we like you. I wish someone would make a traditional, real country record." You know, the opposite of what the show pushes on its contestants. Mariah said some stuff too. America says 76% "Amazing", cause yeah, cuntry girl. She could have farted on a snare drum for 90 seconds and still wouldn't have to worry about going home. It's time to start drinking right about now, and when it comes to beer, I am totally in it to win it.
Tenna Torres spends her whole segment talking about her hair and Nicki's hair. Vaguely ethnic, check. Torch song ("Lost" by Faith Hill), check. Desperate look on a tired, aged-looking face, check. Bye Tenna. Urban: "Love that song, really good job." Nicki: "I like your hair and I like your boobs too." Yeah, Idol viewers love boobs. "...You always seem to believe what you sing... Love hearing you sing." Randy: "Well, huh huh huh huh, listen, listen..." No I will not, Randy. Mariah: "Great song choice... Happy to hear the lower notes as well as your power register." Holy crap, did someone just talk about technical singing? I'm not sure what to do with myself. America is split between "Amazing" and "Eh, not sure". Seacrest encourages Nicki to "come out". You first, homeboy.
Angie Miller seems to be the one the judges want to hype. Let's see if there's a reason. She's at the piano and her hair, makeup, and facial expressions all suggest she's got a long career ahead of her in Southern California, just not the kind she wants. The kind where your parents lie about what you're doing, and people won't admit to being a fan of yours in polite company. Porn, is what I'm getting at here. She's doing "Never Gone" by Idol alum Colton Dixon. Ugh. Then again... Yeah, once she picks it up a little she catches fire for a minute. That performance was half enjoyable, hence it's exceeded my expectations for the entire show. Urban: "The guys were all standing cause they know they're watching an artist." Nicki: "Trumpets should sound when you walk in the room... Can I just get your album?" Randy: "A star is born, yo. She's going places... Colton was unbelievable on this show." Yeah, his "Time After Time" was a special time for me, but still, I don't think a 6th place finisher is who you want to use as a comparison for your prize pony of this year. Mariah: "All of us are blown away." America is approaching 100% "Amazing" with every sycophantic word.
Now it's Amber Holcomb, who I do not remember seeing at all in the previous rounds. Seacrest shows a clip from her first audition, and he mistakenly believes Amber's mom (who is sitting right there) is the same person as Amber's stepmom, who was the woman in the clip. That will go down as one of the finest moments of the show this year. Can't blame him, though. All women look alike to Seacrest. She's swinging for the fences with a big song, "I Believe In You And Me" by Whitney, and she's singing the crap out of it. Game recognizes game, and she got GAME. Urban: "No shortage of confidence and rightly so." Nicki: "That was a 10 billion cottrillion... I know you're not only legs... Your vocals are surpassing this competition." Randy: "In it to win it!." Mariah: nothing of consequence. That was the breakout of the night, though. If she wasn't a female minority she'd be right back in this thing! As proven by just 87% "Amazing", even though she just took Angie Miller and everybody else to school.
Here's another cuntry girl, Kree Harrison, who VFTW has already exposed as a semi-pro actress and singer who's pretending to just be a bum off the street. Country ballad (Faith Hill, "Stronger), big note in the middle, blah blah blah. At least she doesn't *look* fake, even though she totally is. Urban: "Hit the big note effortlessly, country's got a long history of female singers and you fit right in there." Nicki: "You already know that you're my wife." Kree: "Guilteeee!" OK, I like her now. Yep, I'm that easy. Randy: "In it to win it!" Mariah: "...True experience, like being in the audience and watching you sing." Yeah, that's actually exactly what you're doing! More uncomfortable homosexual jokes about everybody, maybe enough to keep her from going through. What am I saying, she's a cuntry singer and a producers' plant. She's got 7th place written all over her. America says 92% "Amazing". Really? Really.
Now it's the first Idol finalist from Alaska, Adriana Latonio. Another forgettable torch song ("Stand Up For Love" by Destiny's Child"), and her voice gets tight on the high notes. Not good enough, probably. Urban: "I'm a little worried that wasn't the best song choice for you... Took too long to get to [the good part]." Nicki: "Work a little bit and come back next year." DAMN that's cold. Randy: "Very safe, kinda pageanty... You needed to come in and slay it and that didn't happen." Mariah makes excuses based on the song, justifying why America won't vote for her. Come on now, her last name is Latonio and she's very clearly a brown person. It doesn't matter how she sang, she's not beating Kree and Co. America is split between "Eh, not sure" and "Not impressed". How can you not be sure? Aren't you listening to Randy? He was sure, why aren't you?!
Candice Glover, mercifully, is the last of the ten. I remember her top 40 performance, where she kind of mopped the floor with everyone else. Maybe this won't suck. It's John Legend's "Ordinary People". And it doesn't suck! Great range, great connection to the song, she looks natural performing. Urban: "Old soul, so current... Tonight was superb." Nicki says nothing. Randy: "You're one of the best singers in the whole competition... We might need a Wild Card slot after tonight!" Yeah, maybe, not like that wasn't going to happen anyway, you jackass. Mariah: "The goosebumps continue." America says 85% "Amazing", and that sounds about right.
So... based on America's instant reaction, the five going through are Angie, Kree, Amber, Candice and Janelle. I think I'd take Breanna or Aubrey over Janelle, but you know, people like what they like. And there's an outside shot that Vote For The Worst and its cohorts will force Zoanette through. That would be hilarious. Anyway, since this is the place where I usually pick a winner, I'll just say I didn't see a winner tonight. Maybe Angie, but I just have a bad feeling about her. As in, she will accidentally not smile while on camera and America will stop liking her because of it.
Nicki says she would "never want to change anyone's mind". Good; nobody who votes uses their mind. Randy says "It's the girls' season to lose", and lose they will. You know, unless bored housewives, tween girls, and gay guys are no longer the only people who vote. Just because there's no obvious Phillip Phillips Kris Allen David Cook Lee DeWyze doesn't mean one won't emerge. Ryan mentions the "supervote" feature on the app, which I'm pretty sure I'll be unable to use since I don't do Facebook or Twitter. If it would help I might actually get a Tweety, but putting any unnecessary effort into this show doesn't seem fair when the judges, host, and contestants aren't bothering to do the same.
Zoanette is first. She can't sing. Period. She's a joke, and anyone- ANYONE- else from the top 40 would have been better than her. She's kind of singing "What's Love Got To Do With It", and kind of being a one-woman riot. This is completely ridiculous, yet I am not amused. Oh, and she finishes up with a nice little Mariah Carey high note. Urban: "Love the way you perform... Interesting song choice... Don't know if it worked." Nicki: "That wasn't it... You kinda really gotta be on key, and stuff." Randy: "Yo yo yo yo. You know. Heh heh heh. Mad love and respect but that was kind of a mess, dawg." Mariah.... ah, who cares. America is 85% "not impressed" according to the app. Not because she was awful, mind you, but because she's not a white dude.
Breanna Steer is up second. She's cute- actually, she's gorgeous- multiracial, a good singer and a fine performer, so she's screwed before she starts. I don't know this song ("Flaws and All" by Beyonce), but if it comes down to voice she's got a fighting chance. Ha ha, when has this show ever come down to voice. Urban: "Be careful not to be Beyonce." Nicki: "That was not it... I have a sneaking suspicion you're not going through." Randy: "I'm agreeing with my own self." Uh, good, cause nobody else ever understands anything you say. "A little safe." Mariah: "Unique song choice... The package of you says star quality." America is 51% "Eh. Not sure." I can see rooting for this girl if the season stays as bad as it's been so far, but I'm not looking forward to that eventuality. It is at this point that I discover you do need a Facebook to use the supervote, so I guess the only thing the app is good for is reminding me of what these forgettable songs and people are called.
Aubrey Cleland is third, and gets the sit-down with Seacrest. She talks about showing her personality. Silly Aubrey, you're a girl, you don't get to have a personality on this show. She's singing "Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie, and it seems that she's afraid to move in those big ol' heels. The vocal will probably end up being one of the best of the night, but she really has the "hostage in a ransom video" body language going on. Not gonna lie, I sorta liked it anyway. Urban: "You look fantastic." Nicki: "You look amazing." Randy: "A little Rihanna vibe... current, infectious." Mariah: "I love the ensemble." Well good, Aubrey just won American Idol's Top Model. America says 61% "Amazing".
Here's cuntry girl Janelle Arthur, who's going to focus on not changing who she is, which will work great if she packs on 30 pounds or so over the course of the season. Hell, she might even finish second! She's singing Elvis's "If I Can Dream." Urban: "I loved that... classic country voice blended with modern vocal runs" Um, yeah Keith. That's what cracker girls do on this show. Nicki: "You are back, you are a little marshmallow that I wanna eat." Randy: "It's a good thing (That you're not changing yourself) cause we like you. I wish someone would make a traditional, real country record." You know, the opposite of what the show pushes on its contestants. Mariah said some stuff too. America says 76% "Amazing", cause yeah, cuntry girl. She could have farted on a snare drum for 90 seconds and still wouldn't have to worry about going home. It's time to start drinking right about now, and when it comes to beer, I am totally in it to win it.
Tenna Torres spends her whole segment talking about her hair and Nicki's hair. Vaguely ethnic, check. Torch song ("Lost" by Faith Hill), check. Desperate look on a tired, aged-looking face, check. Bye Tenna. Urban: "Love that song, really good job." Nicki: "I like your hair and I like your boobs too." Yeah, Idol viewers love boobs. "...You always seem to believe what you sing... Love hearing you sing." Randy: "Well, huh huh huh huh, listen, listen..." No I will not, Randy. Mariah: "Great song choice... Happy to hear the lower notes as well as your power register." Holy crap, did someone just talk about technical singing? I'm not sure what to do with myself. America is split between "Amazing" and "Eh, not sure". Seacrest encourages Nicki to "come out". You first, homeboy.
Angie Miller seems to be the one the judges want to hype. Let's see if there's a reason. She's at the piano and her hair, makeup, and facial expressions all suggest she's got a long career ahead of her in Southern California, just not the kind she wants. The kind where your parents lie about what you're doing, and people won't admit to being a fan of yours in polite company. Porn, is what I'm getting at here. She's doing "Never Gone" by Idol alum Colton Dixon. Ugh. Then again... Yeah, once she picks it up a little she catches fire for a minute. That performance was half enjoyable, hence it's exceeded my expectations for the entire show. Urban: "The guys were all standing cause they know they're watching an artist." Nicki: "Trumpets should sound when you walk in the room... Can I just get your album?" Randy: "A star is born, yo. She's going places... Colton was unbelievable on this show." Yeah, his "Time After Time" was a special time for me, but still, I don't think a 6th place finisher is who you want to use as a comparison for your prize pony of this year. Mariah: "All of us are blown away." America is approaching 100% "Amazing" with every sycophantic word.
Now it's Amber Holcomb, who I do not remember seeing at all in the previous rounds. Seacrest shows a clip from her first audition, and he mistakenly believes Amber's mom (who is sitting right there) is the same person as Amber's stepmom, who was the woman in the clip. That will go down as one of the finest moments of the show this year. Can't blame him, though. All women look alike to Seacrest. She's swinging for the fences with a big song, "I Believe In You And Me" by Whitney, and she's singing the crap out of it. Game recognizes game, and she got GAME. Urban: "No shortage of confidence and rightly so." Nicki: "That was a 10 billion cottrillion... I know you're not only legs... Your vocals are surpassing this competition." Randy: "In it to win it!." Mariah: nothing of consequence. That was the breakout of the night, though. If she wasn't a female minority she'd be right back in this thing! As proven by just 87% "Amazing", even though she just took Angie Miller and everybody else to school.
Here's another cuntry girl, Kree Harrison, who VFTW has already exposed as a semi-pro actress and singer who's pretending to just be a bum off the street. Country ballad (Faith Hill, "Stronger), big note in the middle, blah blah blah. At least she doesn't *look* fake, even though she totally is. Urban: "Hit the big note effortlessly, country's got a long history of female singers and you fit right in there." Nicki: "You already know that you're my wife." Kree: "Guilteeee!" OK, I like her now. Yep, I'm that easy. Randy: "In it to win it!" Mariah: "...True experience, like being in the audience and watching you sing." Yeah, that's actually exactly what you're doing! More uncomfortable homosexual jokes about everybody, maybe enough to keep her from going through. What am I saying, she's a cuntry singer and a producers' plant. She's got 7th place written all over her. America says 92% "Amazing". Really? Really.
Now it's the first Idol finalist from Alaska, Adriana Latonio. Another forgettable torch song ("Stand Up For Love" by Destiny's Child"), and her voice gets tight on the high notes. Not good enough, probably. Urban: "I'm a little worried that wasn't the best song choice for you... Took too long to get to [the good part]." Nicki: "Work a little bit and come back next year." DAMN that's cold. Randy: "Very safe, kinda pageanty... You needed to come in and slay it and that didn't happen." Mariah makes excuses based on the song, justifying why America won't vote for her. Come on now, her last name is Latonio and she's very clearly a brown person. It doesn't matter how she sang, she's not beating Kree and Co. America is split between "Eh, not sure" and "Not impressed". How can you not be sure? Aren't you listening to Randy? He was sure, why aren't you?!
Candice Glover, mercifully, is the last of the ten. I remember her top 40 performance, where she kind of mopped the floor with everyone else. Maybe this won't suck. It's John Legend's "Ordinary People". And it doesn't suck! Great range, great connection to the song, she looks natural performing. Urban: "Old soul, so current... Tonight was superb." Nicki says nothing. Randy: "You're one of the best singers in the whole competition... We might need a Wild Card slot after tonight!" Yeah, maybe, not like that wasn't going to happen anyway, you jackass. Mariah: "The goosebumps continue." America says 85% "Amazing", and that sounds about right.
So... based on America's instant reaction, the five going through are Angie, Kree, Amber, Candice and Janelle. I think I'd take Breanna or Aubrey over Janelle, but you know, people like what they like. And there's an outside shot that Vote For The Worst and its cohorts will force Zoanette through. That would be hilarious. Anyway, since this is the place where I usually pick a winner, I'll just say I didn't see a winner tonight. Maybe Angie, but I just have a bad feeling about her. As in, she will accidentally not smile while on camera and America will stop liking her because of it.
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