I've got a pretty time-intensive project I'm working on, and it'll be pretty cool once I start posting it. I'm also working on some sort of baseball predictions, which I'll have up toward the end of the month. But for now, I'd rather waste two hours liveblogging the first live episode of American Idol 12. Tonight, the top 10 girls will perform for votes, and there is no way America could make worse decisions than the judges already have. Seriously, guys. Zoanette? I just don't understand the world sometimes.
Nicki says she would "never want to change anyone's mind". Good; nobody who votes uses their mind. Randy says "It's the girls' season to lose", and lose they will. You know, unless bored housewives, tween girls, and gay guys are no longer the only people who vote. Just because there's no obvious Phillip Phillips Kris Allen David Cook Lee DeWyze doesn't mean one won't emerge. Ryan mentions the "supervote" feature on the app, which I'm pretty sure I'll be unable to use since I don't do Facebook or Twitter. If it would help I might actually get a Tweety, but putting any unnecessary effort into this show doesn't seem fair when the judges, host, and contestants aren't bothering to do the same.
Zoanette is first. She can't sing. Period. She's a joke, and anyone- ANYONE- else from the top 40 would have been better than her. She's kind of singing "What's Love Got To Do With It", and kind of being a one-woman riot. This is completely ridiculous, yet I am not amused. Oh, and she finishes up with a nice little Mariah Carey high note. Urban: "Love the way you perform... Interesting song choice... Don't know if it worked." Nicki: "That wasn't it... You kinda really gotta be on key, and stuff." Randy: "Yo yo yo yo. You know. Heh heh heh. Mad love and respect but that was kind of a mess, dawg." Mariah.... ah, who cares. America is 85% "not impressed" according to the app. Not because she was awful, mind you, but because she's not a white dude.
Breanna Steer is up second. She's cute- actually, she's gorgeous- multiracial, a good singer and a fine performer, so she's screwed before she starts. I don't know this song ("Flaws and All" by Beyonce), but if it comes down to voice she's got a fighting chance. Ha ha, when has this show ever come down to voice. Urban: "Be careful not to be Beyonce." Nicki: "That was not it... I have a sneaking suspicion you're not going through." Randy: "I'm agreeing with my own self." Uh, good, cause nobody else ever understands anything you say. "A little safe." Mariah: "Unique song choice... The package of you says star quality." America is 51% "Eh. Not sure." I can see rooting for this girl if the season stays as bad as it's been so far, but I'm not looking forward to that eventuality. It is at this point that I discover you do need a Facebook to use the supervote, so I guess the only thing the app is good for is reminding me of what these forgettable songs and people are called.
Aubrey Cleland is third, and gets the sit-down with Seacrest. She talks about showing her personality. Silly Aubrey, you're a girl, you don't get to have a personality on this show. She's singing "Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie, and it seems that she's afraid to move in those big ol' heels. The vocal will probably end up being one of the best of the night, but she really has the "hostage in a ransom video" body language going on. Not gonna lie, I sorta liked it anyway. Urban: "You look fantastic." Nicki: "You look amazing." Randy: "A little Rihanna vibe... current, infectious." Mariah: "I love the ensemble." Well good, Aubrey just won American Idol's Top Model. America says 61% "Amazing".
Here's cuntry girl Janelle Arthur, who's going to focus on not changing who she is, which will work great if she packs on 30 pounds or so over the course of the season. Hell, she might even finish second! She's singing Elvis's "If I Can Dream." Urban: "I loved that... classic country voice blended with modern vocal runs" Um, yeah Keith. That's what cracker girls do on this show. Nicki: "You are back, you are a little marshmallow that I wanna eat." Randy: "It's a good thing (That you're not changing yourself) cause we like you. I wish someone would make a traditional, real country record." You know, the opposite of what the show pushes on its contestants. Mariah said some stuff too. America says 76% "Amazing", cause yeah, cuntry girl. She could have farted on a snare drum for 90 seconds and still wouldn't have to worry about going home. It's time to start drinking right about now, and when it comes to beer, I am totally in it to win it.
Tenna Torres spends her whole segment talking about her hair and Nicki's hair. Vaguely ethnic, check. Torch song ("Lost" by Faith Hill), check. Desperate look on a tired, aged-looking face, check. Bye Tenna. Urban: "Love that song, really good job." Nicki: "I like your hair and I like your boobs too." Yeah, Idol viewers love boobs. "...You always seem to believe what you sing... Love hearing you sing." Randy: "Well, huh huh huh huh, listen, listen..." No I will not, Randy. Mariah: "Great song choice... Happy to hear the lower notes as well as your power register." Holy crap, did someone just talk about technical singing? I'm not sure what to do with myself. America is split between "Amazing" and "Eh, not sure". Seacrest encourages Nicki to "come out". You first, homeboy.
Angie Miller seems to be the one the judges want to hype. Let's see if there's a reason. She's at the piano and her hair, makeup, and facial expressions all suggest she's got a long career ahead of her in Southern California, just not the kind she wants. The kind where your parents lie about what you're doing, and people won't admit to being a fan of yours in polite company. Porn, is what I'm getting at here. She's doing "Never Gone" by Idol alum Colton Dixon. Ugh. Then again... Yeah, once she picks it up a little she catches fire for a minute. That performance was half enjoyable, hence it's exceeded my expectations for the entire show. Urban: "The guys were all standing cause they know they're watching an artist." Nicki: "Trumpets should sound when you walk in the room... Can I just get your album?" Randy: "A star is born, yo. She's going places... Colton was unbelievable on this show." Yeah, his "Time After Time" was a special time for me, but still, I don't think a 6th place finisher is who you want to use as a comparison for your prize pony of this year. Mariah: "All of us are blown away." America is approaching 100% "Amazing" with every sycophantic word.
Now it's Amber Holcomb, who I do not remember seeing at all in the previous rounds. Seacrest shows a clip from her first audition, and he mistakenly believes Amber's mom (who is sitting right there) is the same person as Amber's stepmom, who was the woman in the clip. That will go down as one of the finest moments of the show this year. Can't blame him, though. All women look alike to Seacrest. She's swinging for the fences with a big song, "I Believe In You And Me" by Whitney, and she's singing the crap out of it. Game recognizes game, and she got GAME. Urban: "No shortage of confidence and rightly so." Nicki: "That was a 10 billion cottrillion... I know you're not only legs... Your vocals are surpassing this competition." Randy: "In it to win it!." Mariah: nothing of consequence. That was the breakout of the night, though. If she wasn't a female minority she'd be right back in this thing! As proven by just 87% "Amazing", even though she just took Angie Miller and everybody else to school.
Here's another cuntry girl, Kree Harrison, who VFTW has already exposed as a semi-pro actress and singer who's pretending to just be a bum off the street. Country ballad (Faith Hill, "Stronger), big note in the middle, blah blah blah. At least she doesn't *look* fake, even though she totally is. Urban: "Hit the big note effortlessly, country's got a long history of female singers and you fit right in there." Nicki: "You already know that you're my wife." Kree: "Guilteeee!" OK, I like her now. Yep, I'm that easy. Randy: "In it to win it!" Mariah: "...True experience, like being in the audience and watching you sing." Yeah, that's actually exactly what you're doing! More uncomfortable homosexual jokes about everybody, maybe enough to keep her from going through. What am I saying, she's a cuntry singer and a producers' plant. She's got 7th place written all over her. America says 92% "Amazing". Really? Really.
Now it's the first Idol finalist from Alaska, Adriana Latonio. Another forgettable torch song ("Stand Up For Love" by Destiny's Child"), and her voice gets tight on the high notes. Not good enough, probably. Urban: "I'm a little worried that wasn't the best song choice for you... Took too long to get to [the good part]." Nicki: "Work a little bit and come back next year." DAMN that's cold. Randy: "Very safe, kinda pageanty... You needed to come in and slay it and that didn't happen." Mariah makes excuses based on the song, justifying why America won't vote for her. Come on now, her last name is Latonio and she's very clearly a brown person. It doesn't matter how she sang, she's not beating Kree and Co. America is split between "Eh, not sure" and "Not impressed". How can you not be sure? Aren't you listening to Randy? He was sure, why aren't you?!
Candice Glover, mercifully, is the last of the ten. I remember her top 40 performance, where she kind of mopped the floor with everyone else. Maybe this won't suck. It's John Legend's "Ordinary People". And it doesn't suck! Great range, great connection to the song, she looks natural performing. Urban: "Old soul, so current... Tonight was superb." Nicki says nothing. Randy: "You're one of the best singers in the whole competition... We might need a Wild Card slot after tonight!" Yeah, maybe, not like that wasn't going to happen anyway, you jackass. Mariah: "The goosebumps continue." America says 85% "Amazing", and that sounds about right.
So... based on America's instant reaction, the five going through are Angie, Kree, Amber, Candice and Janelle. I think I'd take Breanna or Aubrey over Janelle, but you know, people like what they like. And there's an outside shot that Vote For The Worst and its cohorts will force Zoanette through. That would be hilarious. Anyway, since this is the place where I usually pick a winner, I'll just say I didn't see a winner tonight. Maybe Angie, but I just have a bad feeling about her. As in, she will accidentally not smile while on camera and America will stop liking her because of it.
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