Here we go with another Terrible Television liveblog! In honor of Dude Day, tonight will be brought to you by Absolut White Russians as well as my general contempt for all things Idol.
This year's resident Mogwai, Elijah Liu, kicks things off and wants to connect with all the ladies. He's singing Rihanna's "Stay" and he's definitely not the worst, but he's going for beautiful and he's only making it to 'sleepy'. I guess he's fodder. Urban: "Really great start to the show." Nicki: "I think I would be willing to stay." Randy: "Very current and marketable; my problem is it never got out of first gear." I'll be damned, Randy actually made sense. Mariah: "One of the best performances you've given... You could be very saleable, and your relevancy is your strongest point." I'm not sure what he's relevant to, but ok. America is just over 50% "Eh, not sure". Based on what I've seen from the other guys, that should have been good enough to put him through, but I wouldn't bet on it.
Cortez Shaw, an R&B/Soul type, is next. He sang "Titanium" last time out and was one of the few I remembered, so let's see what he's got. Uh oh, it's Bruno Mars "Locked Out of Heaven", and this guy is not Bruno Mars. And one of the backup singers just keeps going "Yep yep yep, yep yep yyyyup." This is stupid. Urban: "[not] The best song for what you do really well." Nicki: "You was feeling yourself, you got your mojo back... Interesting." Randy: "You're straining and you're always a little under the high notes... Dancing moves and all that was dope." Mariah echoed Keith and name-dropped Sting. I actually thought of that as well, but that's just because that song sounds just like a Police song, not because of anything he did. America is once again "Eh, not sure." with a strong plurality of "Not impressed". Do these people know that Phillip Phillips is not walking through that door? That Scotty McCreery is not walking through that door? It's going to be a long night for anyone who has expectations; TPTB have done everything they can to force America to vote for a female winner, and part of that is making sure all ten guys are losers.
VFTW fave Charlie Askew is up third. He's growing a terrible 'stache, which I'm not sure helps or hurts him, and shouts out to his awkward turtles again. OK, he's in a weird looking wife beater and his hair's tied back... There's a difference between looking quirky and goofy, and just looking bad. He's singing "Mama" by Genesis, and it sucks from beginning to end. Poor little doofus. Urban: "I was looking around the room while you were singing and the expressions on peoples' faces were, uh... varied. Something feels disingenuous a little bit." Nicki: "What happened? I feel like someone stole my kid. I don't want to see your arms, your ponytail, that earring... I'm upset." Randy: "Front part was really really terrible, end turned into a scream." Mariah: "We're at the point where there's a lot of really, really talented singers." Charlie responds by fighting back tears and saying "I needed to vent a little... People think I'm all happy and bouncy but the only reason I smile so much is because I feel like I have to." OK, that was the opposite of disingenuous. I'm not sure I've ever seen anyone with integrity on this show before. America is 70% "Not impressed" with Charlie, and I am 100% "Not impressed" with my fellow Idol App users.
Now it's Nick Boddington time. I've seen him at least two years running, and he didn't make the voting rounds last year. I kind of wonder why anyone would agree to go through this more than once. Masochism and stupidity are the only answers I can come up with. He's doing the Goo Goo Dolls' "Iris" while seated at the piano. I've been listening to the Goo Goo Dolls lately, because "A Boy Named Goo" is front to back awesomeness. I just do not like this song unless Beatrice Miller is singing it. His tone's pretty good for it, but the line "You bleed just to know you're alive" needs to have, well, blood in it. Still, that was probably the best performance so far. Urban: "Perfect song choice... Nervous in certain spots, vulnerability in your tone." Nicki: "I wanted you to keep the original melody... It's true to you but I don't know if it'll get billions of votes." Randy: "I'm happy that you did that, good solid performance." Also some namedrops. Mariah: "Happy to see you at the piano." America is split between "Amazing" and "Not sure." probably because they're "Not sure" he likes girls.
Here comes Burnell Taylor, the guy who lost everything to Katrina, lost a ton of weight and now dresses like a geek-chic NBA player. Ooh, and tonight he's got a stonewashed denim jacket and backwards camo cap. That's proper. He's doing "I'm Here" from "The Color Purple", the song he performed at his first audition, and I think this time he's pushing the runs too hard and over-enunciating more than a little. Still and all, he's got real talent, he just has to learn how to use it. Urban: "I believe you and I feel it... I loved it." Nicki: "You were born to do this... I hope people vote for you." Randy: "Urgency in your voice... Love you." Mariah: "Tearful moment." America said 75% amazing. Whatever.
Paul Jolley is up next, and gets a sit-down with Seacrest, where we find out he was an extra in country music videos. Then we're reminded that it took a tiebreaker vote from Jimmy Iovine just to get him this far. I'm actually not hating this performance ("Just a Fool" by Christina Aguilera). He's showing some range, he's connecting to the song... Yeah, that was good by Idol standards. Then he ruins it by saying he wants to be the guy version of Taylor Swift, and I start planning on throwing him down a well and explaining how he is never ever ever returning to the surface world. Urban: "You keep underestimating the quality of your voice; you can just ease into it more." Nicki: "Keith, is he believable? OK. I personally thought it was a solid performance." Randy: "The beginning I loved, the end I was like eh, not so much." Mariah: "If theatrical is part of the mixture of who you are... I think the crowd enjoyed it and really felt what you were giving." Seacrest asks Urban directly if he liked it, and Keith replies "I like Paul." America is split between "Amazing" and "Not sure." He wants to be a pop-country singer, but so far, I haven't seen anything country about him at all. I mean, he hasn't said "y'all" or "reckon" or anything yet. Credibility gap!
Now it's time for stutterin' Lazaro Arbos, who had n-n-n-never performed for a l-l-l-live audience before two weeks ago. He's doing "Feeling Good", which might be the most overdone Idol song of all. Dude sure loves his pink shirts. Pretty average performance, although it is cool how he sings but can't speak. Urban: "I love the way you connect with everybody. Great job." Nicki: "I loved it, I love you, people went crazy for you... You put some attitude on it." Randy: "This guy thinks he's in it to win it and he is!" Mariah: "You just throw yourself into whatever song you're doing... [some technical criticism drowned out by boos from idiots in the crowd]." America says 84% "A-ma-ma-ma-ma-mazing", cause it doesn't matter that it's a song they've heard two billion times, it's a CROWD PLEASER. Blegh.
"Worship Leader Curtis Finch Jr." is apparently the full name of our next contestant, because we can't take the risk that people might forget he likes Jesus. He says growing up as a Jr. made him feel like he didn't have his own identity because he didn't have his own name. Poor guy, how does he manage? Oh wait, I've done fine with it. In fact, it's never occurred to me to have a problem with it. He's doing "I Believe I Can Fly", and shows some good restraint in the first half before pulling out the falsetto and every other trick in the book later on. Standing O from the judges. Urban: "Sermon in Vegas, baby! I believe you can fly, Curtis!" Hahaha, oh man, best line ever. So original, too! Nicki: "That is something that cannot be measured by the number of votes you get... People are hurting and we need [Jesus music]!" Randy: "Praise God, and mad props to the great R. Kelly." Yet another sentence that has never been said before in history. "The competition just started right here." Mariah: "Thank you for that performance. [That] was what I needed in my life right now." America says 88% "Amazing". Hmm. I'm thinking a black winner could really happen, since, you know, the 4 best singers in the competition are all black.
Devin Velez sings in both English and Spanish, which will go over awesome with American Idol voters. *Snickers* He's not bad, and the Spanish verse he throws in on this song ("Somos Novios" by Andrea Bocelli) works pretty well. I gotta say, compared to everything else I've seen tonight, Devin and Curtis are on another level. Urban: "Beginning was a little shaky... once you found your zone, man, you are such a good, good singer. You are so gifted." Nicki: "Muy bien, perfecto, gordo- wait, it's not fat." Randy: "Your tone is a tone that I really, really, like. I'm like yo! You're good looking, like me." God, shut up man. Mariah: "That performance was incredible." America says 82% "Amazing".
Vincent Powell, who closed his semifinal show to rave reviews, gets to do the same thing this week. He's doing "End of the Road" by Boyz II Men, and me and Boyz II Men go way back. Seriously, I still know all the words to this song. He's just doing runs all over the place, not bothering with melody or any of that other nonsense. Smells like wasted opportunity to me. Urban: "Nerves got on top of your talent." Nicki: "Your voice didn't come alive in that song." Randy: "You just overshot it a little bit." Mariah: "There were moments of brilliance, I just want America to vote for you." Me, I think he's about 30 years away from looking exactly like Hans Moleman. America is 55% "Not Sure", but when you get to sing last, that's a pretty big bump.
So, Devin, Curtis, and Lazaro look to be shoo-ins. I would say Burnell and Vincent round out the top 5, but there's no way no crackers go through. Let's say Burnell goes home, Vincent has to settle for a Wild Card spot, VFTW goes nuts to push Charlie into the top 10, and the people who voted for the last 5 winners of this show realize that Paul Jolley is the closest thing to Phillip Phillips they're gonna get, and they put him through. I'm not crazy about those 5, but so many of tonight's performers sucked, I don't know if I can say I'd like any other set of 5 better. Ugh. Thank Dog I get to write about "Grey's Anatomy" tomorrow night. Compared to what I've watched the past two nights, it'll be downright enlightening.
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