Saturday, August 23, 2014

Terrible TV: Black Box, episode 8

I keep trying to do something different with this series: take my mood stabilizer and wait for it to kick in before I start watching. The hope is that the stupid will hurt less. The downside is that I lose the edge hypomania grants me, which Dr. Black has already taught us is the most important of all things. In a practical sense, it also means I make it ten minutes and then I fall asleep. So, here comes my third fourth attempt at episode 8, fueled by nothing but caffeine and nicotine.

So, did Catherine sleep with Bickman? Looks like we won't find out until after we meet the patient. Danny is a young-ish man who lives with his mom, right up until he shoots and kills her with a shotgun. Huh. Well, I have been asking for gun violence. I just wish it had involved our central characters. Then he sits down and journals about not being in control of his emotions. Catherine wakes up alone, remembering the previous night with Bickman. Hooray, more bad decisions blamed on mental illness! Then again... is this a bad decision? Will has no personality and nowhere near Bickman's frequently-mentioned-but-never-seen intellect. In addition, Will and Catherine's relationship isn't even dysfunctional. It's non-functional. Irreversible coma, breathing machine, please do everyone a favor and pull the plug already. So really, the worst part about this transgression is that it wasn't with Ali Wong. Or Bossman. I bet Bossman's oh-face is historically great.

Back at the apartment, Catherine lies to Will some more and Will tells the truth. With Will's total lack of affect and Catherine's overacting, this averages out to a well-executed scene. Leo comes back to work, but his hypermemory isn't back. The first patient we see at The Cube is Gordon, who his fiancé Stacy introduces as "The nicest man on the planet. That's why this is so crazy. I mean, he's a vegetarian, and gluten-free, for God's sake... The man laminates his library card."

What the hell is with these people talking about gluten? Gordon robbed the bank he worked at. I would guess he's not the first non-gluten eater to do so, seeing as how the two have nothing to do with each other. He has no control or awareness of what his left hand is doing. Catherine goes to Bickman to "clear the air", but really that just means "be passive-aggressive even though I actually like you". Once again, bitchiness and bipolar are not the same thing. Both exist, both are problems, but they don't have a causal relationship.

"I don't know what's going on here." -Catherine
"Me neither. Isn't that nice?" -Bickman

No sir it is not. It's permanent nails-on-a-chalkboard because the people writing your words and actions are horrible at their job. There is nothing nice about that.

Here's why Danny isn't at The Cube yet: he's decided to try to get a walk-in with Hostage Redgrave. He found out about her from reading a magazine article of the "Ten Best Psychiatrists". Ugh. OK, first off, superlative achievement unlocked. Good job, Hostage Redgrave. Second off, while psychiatrists can in fact do therapy, they are MDs and are focused on diagnosis and medical treatment. The right person for Danny to see, but unless Hostage Redgrave is a master of both psychiatry and psychology (and since she's a character on Black Box, it's a foregone conclusion that she's both of those things and also a princess and an astronaut and a dragon ALL AT THE SAME TIME RAWR), Catherine would most likely see a psychologist for her navel-gazing sessions. You know, because the World's Finest Neurologist would have to have the World's Finest Therapy. This is all hilarious, because she tells Danny that she's not the kind of doctor he needs to see. I just facepalmed myself and my hand went through the back of my skull. He refuses to take no for an answer, and it looks like shit is about to get thick.

Catherine and Josh meet up to talk- sister drama is always more important than working for those blue-collar types- and she says she has to break up with Will. Um, yeah. Way ahead of you there, Dr. Black. This upsets Josh, and he says Will's good for her. Josh figures out that she's cheating on him, and Catherine lies some more.

"People spend years in therapy trying to figure out what they want. No one can tell you. The answer is in your actions." -Josh

Damn, Josh. Why are you smarter than all the characters who went to school 12 years longer than you did? Also, why don't you treat everyone around you like shit? You're an anomaly in the Black Boxiverse, and while I like you, I don't like that. I'd be much more comfortable if you cooked meth and beat your family in your spare time instead of displaying a reasonable temperament and admirable morality.

Delilah comes back to the restaurant to apologize to Will. Will reads his lines directly off the script in a flat monotone. He accuses Delilah of trying to manipulate him. No dude, she really just wants your dick. There's no guile or deception here. The purpose of the Delilah character is to want into Will's pants. That's it. She says she and Will both have the same problem: they both love someone who won't love them back.

Let's go back to The Cube, where stuff makes just as much nonsense. Leo is surprised and hurt that Bickman can't write him a letter of recommendation, despite the fact that he and Allie had a conversation no more than a month ago where they acknowledged that missing even a day- let alone multiple weeks to recover from brain surgery- means you fail at your rotation.

Hostage Redgrave's facial expression finally makes sense, as she Googles Danny and finds out what he's done. She tries to call him an ambulance and he smashes the phone, right before having a psychotic break and running away.

Catherine prescribes Botox to Gordon to block the nerve impulses to his rogue limb.

"I'm a firm believer in self-control..." -Catherine.

Yup. Redgrave calls to tell her a crazed gunman might be headed for The Cube, and all I can say is it's about time. Danny slips by security, stakes out a spot on the roof, and busts out the sniper rifle. Aww, yeah. It's real-life GTA time. He almost kills himself, but the voices in his head change their mind and he gets ready to open fire on the lunch truck. Leo and Allie are in his sights, but since he can't hear their self-absorbed ramblings, he lets them live. As soon as the shots ring out, we find out Bickman is still at the food truck. He's shot in the neck but the bullet missed all major systems. So close. Danny starts seizing when the cops show up on the roof. Catherine, in a panic, tries to backseat drive Bickman's surgery. When he's out, she shows up offering to change his bandages. What? She wakes him up and he's all about getting back into surgery. Can you see where this is going? As if on cue, we find out Danny has a brain tumor that's causing all this nonsense.

"He doesn't look like a killer." -Ali Wong
"What does a killer look like?" -Catherine
"Good point." -Ali Wong

While Danny is being taken to surgery, a doctor says that it won't be a tragedy if he dies, because of this thing called free will. Catherine puts on her strident face and burns that strawman down. I think she just leveled up in the skill of Vociferously Defending the Obvious. And surprise, guess who's operating on Danny. It's Bickman! Oh snap! Doctor operates on the guy who shot him! Such noble. Many honor. Since everyone else is busy, Leo gets to assist and be scrub nurse. Bickman gets the tumor but nicks a blood vessel, then bows out due to pain, so Leo fixes it. Yay! A surgery winner is you.

Will calls Catherine and they have another conversation that makes you wonder what exactly makes them a couple. While toying with a pen at Catherine's place, he realizes it's from the Hotel Mirabella- the very hotel where Bickman lives. Dun dun dunnnn. Leo finds out Ali Wong lives in The Cube and is agoraphobic, and she threatens him with his radiology rotation to keep her secret. When Catherine goes to see Danny, Bickman's already there. Danny's memory is gone, so he's going to prison and doesn't know why.

"Life's fragile, huh?" -Catherine
"Yeah, believe me. I got the message." -Bickman

Between the bomb scare and the shooter, the show's pretty much out of ratings grab hospital show tropes with five episodes to go. How will they limp to the finish line? You can watch it for yourself (bad idea) or you can check in here for Episode 9 (good idea!).

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