Sometimes, I actually like having bipolar. I'm in one of those times right now. Aside from all the cool stuff that has no place in a Terrible Television post- or anywhere other than a therapy session- I feel fantastic all day, then I take the mood stabilizers and fall asleep. Let's try to bang out Episode 2 of the worst doctor show ever before I stabilize.
We're doing the House thing, where we meet the patient first. Her name's Carrie, she's a nanny, and her head explodes. Blood everywhere. Neat! Then we see Will and Catherine in bed, and Will's trying to do what Catherine did to him when she was manic. She doesn't like the rough stuff when she's medicated. Surprise! No boners for you, Will. But then, you're probably used to that by now.
"I love you no matter what. But I don't understand who you are." -Will
Love is complicated when it's fictional and written by a moron. Anyway, Will demands total honesty, and Catherine lies- hilariously, unconvincingly- and says she didn't cheat on him. In session with still-held-hostage Vanessa Redgrave, Catherine talks about how essential lies are. If that's going to be part of her character, she should probably act like a better liar. She requests a med modification- "a sous saint of Quetiapine", to be exact. I'm pretty sure that's exactly how my NP calls in my scrips, along with pureed citalopram and a clonidine coulee. It's psychiatric Master Chef! Then she suggests medical marijuana.
Hostage Redgrave: "No. I want you to make better choices."
Therapists are not that direct. Sometimes they should be, but they aren't. I guess that's what happens when you condense an hour into thirty seconds. Back at The Cube, Catherine and her med students are examining Carrie.
"Does your head still hurt?"
"Not as much as you'd think, since it blew up."
"Cool."
Leo the med student has hypermemory. Sure. Nobody gets to be normal. Speaking of which, Ali Wong is taking selfies with her bass, at work, for her online dating profile. Catherine gets a text from Esme so she calls Josh, who tells her Esme's got a piano audition for Stuffington Academy or something. Catherine obviously can't go, because Reagan is actually Emperor Palpatine in disguise. Catherine randomly pulls out a joint. Now, I have my own experiences with pot- most of them good, some not- but I can say that in most bipolar cases, THC only exacerbates mania. Smoking pot is impulsive behavior for anyone, but trying to pass it off as a clinical decision is intellectually dishonest at best. Enter Bickman.
"Dr. Bickman, can I help you?"
(Ridiculously passionate series of kisses from the man with no emotions. I don't understand why he's still wearing pants.) Catherine says their hookup was a mistake.
"You just assaulted me."
"Delicious, wasn't it?"
If you're keeping score, this is the second rape fetishization in two episodes. I glossed over the first one and shouldn't have. But now it's becoming a theme. Always remember, kids, no means no unless you really really want it to mean yes.
"I do not EVER do drugs!" -Catherine, joint in hand.
In what I guess is supposed to be an ironic twist, the bossman calls them in for a conference on physician misconduct. Sadly, it's not about the doctors who only commit misconduct and is instead about Dr. Renaud (Played by poor, lovable Edward Hermann. Wherever Hostage Redgrave's family is being held, you won't have to look far to find the Hermann family. Somebody please help them.) Dr. Reynaud hid his brain cancer and killed someone when he had a seizure in the OR, thus Catherine's hiding of her bipolar is now a fireable offense. Carrie's head explodes again. Still awesome. I hope the head explodies are contagious! Catherine wants to check the films, which are always useful when the patient flips out and unstraps herself in the middle of the scan. Bickman says she's in drug withdrawal.
"Her employer said she's trying to lose weight. I'm thinking she's doing it the old fashioned way. *taps nostril*"
Catherine's the consult on Dr. Reynaud. He wants to die, and he wants Bickman to intentionally botch his brain surgery. Oh no, you don't get the easy way out just because you were Lorelai's dad on Gilmore Girls. Sorry chief. Live with the fact that your son won't return your calls. Descend into invalid status and mental incompetency, to say nothing of the unimaginable physical pain, because the alternative bums Dr. Black out.
Some lazy and awkward mother-daughter dialogue later, Catherine calls Esme's cell and Reagan picks up. Best to leave it alone, Dr. Black. You don't want none of those Lightning Hands, and Esme's going to the Dark Side whether you like it or not. Back in therapy, we get a flashback of Josh and Catherine's horrifying childhood to remind Catherine of why she gave Esme up in the first place. Hostage Redgrave recommends giving Will the love, support, and honesty she really wants to give to her daughter. Inspired by this terrible advice, she goes to see Will and reveals her grand plan.
"I get out the prescription pad and self-medicate!"
I can't even... I don't... What follows is so much awesome. I lovehate this scene so much I want to marry it and gradually destroy its will to live over the years. Will delivers a rant about his absent, drunken, dead father. A teleprompter may or may not have been involved. But in conclusion, and verbatim:
Will: "I can handle anything but lies!"
Catherine: "I slept with someone in San Francisco. A total stranger. I didn't even get his name."
Will: /cannot handle it
Consistency, baby. This show's lack of it is astonishingly consistent. Catherine runs back to The Cube, because her bipolar gives her psychic powers and she knew that Dr. Reynaud just that minute attempted suicide. She got there just in time! He's saved! Poor bastard. It also turns out that Carrie was lying about not doing coke, and Catherine goes pseudo-surrogate mommy on her. Creepy and unwarranted, but whatever. Carrie flees The Cube immediately afterward. She'll never know what a great decision that was, because her head's gonna explode again soon. That shit never gets old.
Ali Wong: "Apparently I'm a geek magnet!" Pfft. Like geeks are into gorgeous Asian women who put on glasses and play electric bass. Geeks are into brains. You know, like zombies.
Catherine diagnoses Carrie with a random combination of narcolepsy and bad dream-itis. That's what caused her head explodies, not coke withdrawal. It's all so obvious now!
Dr. Reynaud: "I should be angry with you [for preventing my suicide], but I'm not. Today I saw a beautiful sunrise."
Totally makes up for the agonizing days, weeks, or months of radiation, chemo, and surgery, amirite? Then Josh calls Catherine so she gets to hear Esme's audition. Aww. Of course, this provokes the imaginary jazz crazy dance on a public street. Reagan was right, it is all about her. End.
So what did we learn from episode 2? Well, for one, rape is A-OK. For two, the terminally ill should acquiesce to the wishes of those most tangentially related to them. For three, the best relationships are founded on a basis of lies and personal inconsistency. And finally- in all seriousness- we need to find the bastards who are forcing our elderly actors into performing on this show. If this is their first move, their endgame scares the crap out of me.
No comments:
Post a Comment