It's the middle of the night, late July. An affluent suburb. 79 degrees and cloudy. Are we gonna write about the flurry of recent baseball trades? Or maybe about the first known information on Kahns of Tarkir, and the subsequent hilarrogant nerdrage that precedes every Magic set? Hell no. We got Black Box to watch. Will Catherine go off her meds again? Will she stay with Will, or sleep with Bickman? Will Reagan ever smile? I don't care about any of those things! Let's do this!
Our patient tonight, Jacob, is a hedge fund manager who gives away all his money and his awesome condo, and knows, like, tons of Hebrew. So we start with a Jerusalem syndrome diagnosis until yay medicine he's all better? Cool, more time to spend on the worst cast in TV doctordom. Turns out Bickman knows Jacob from a homeless shelter Jacob funded- and Bickman worked at- in Port au Prince. Woo hoo, more evidence this one dimensional 'actor' is playing a three dimensional person! He introduces Catherine as "Our star brainiac".
"The Meyers just joined the board at The Cube, so make sure they get VIP treatment."
"All our patients get VIP treatment, Bick."
Yeah. You know, until some unattended and seriously ill patient busts out of his room brandishing a sharp object. Then it's every motherfucker for themselves.
Bossman is meeting with our old friend Edward Hermann, who's happy to have undergone radiation and still be alive. Uh oh, you know it can't be good when they bring the camera to these meetings. No symptoms and no tumor growth, his son's forgiven him, and he's got a 3-year-old grandson he just met. Can't have happy people on this show. Do your thing, Bossman! He offers a new experimental treatment that could add two years to Edward's life expectancy. No, Edward, walk away, walk away... Damn. He accepts. Nice knowing you, Edward. You were way, WAY too good for this show.
Jacob's wife ratchets the unlikability up to about a 14. She's all about the snide comments. Not even about Jacob's Messiah complex and how potentially damaging it could be, just that he's too busy offering prayers of various purposes to walk the damn dog. So am I the only one who ends up in the awkward position of rooting for the crazy to win every episode? Not the crazy person, just the crazy. After hearing Jacob's wife talk for 10 seconds I want Jerusalem Syndrome to spread through The Cube like wildfire. I don't know how they could make the sane family members any less supportive and appealing. Give away her wardrobe and her cars too, Jacob. Camel. Eye of a needle. Couldn't be clearer.
Superplumber is trying to seduce Ali Wong into leaving The Cube on the promise of cronuts.
"Imagine if a croissant had a baby with a donut."
"Oh, that sounds like a delicious baby."
Wait. Was that... Was that an attempt at the funny that actually kinda, sorta, didn't miss? I mean, it's not on the same comedic level as Vanessa Redgrave dispensing advice while her eyes scream "Please let me go", or Reagan's fear of Esme finding out about her adoption being the single biggest clue Esme could ever have about her adoption, or Bickman being the hunk. Not even close to that funny. But hey, any joke on this show not rooted in "man bad" or "doctoring hard but me good" catches me off guard. Still, cronuts are a no go for Ali Wong, so Superplumber sweeps her off her feet and kisses her in the cafeteria to show her what she's missing by not "moving this thing forward." Bickman sleazily approves because he's already been in a couple scenes and hasn't yet reminded us that he's in favor of heterosexual sex. Apparently, whether or not he's involved. Most narcissists wouldn't care. Whatever.
Edward Hermann gets dizzy and his nose starts bleeding right after his first experimental treatment. Dammit, Edward. You shouldn't have taken the camera into your meeting with Bossman. Strike one. You shouldn't have agreed to the treatment. Strike two. And you sure as shit shouldn't have brought the camera home with you where it can hurt your son and grandson, too. Strike three. Turns out the cancer had already spread to the liver, so yeah, he gon' die.
Bossman: "LFTs were through the roof."
Edward Hermann, finally at peace: "Does this mean I don't have to be on the show anymore?"
Superplumber brings Ali Wong a cronut, and she rewards him by banging him her secret bedroom off of the imaging lab. Because that's a thing people have.
The nurse and the resident on staff bring Jacob and another patient outside to get lobster- I know, right?- then take their eyes off the patients for long enough for both of them to kill somebody or just run out into traffic. Look, I know they said it's a neurological center and not a psych ward, but nobody involved with making this show knows what either of those things are. When it's for the sake of a good story or some lovably trashy sexy time, I have no problem with doctors doing dumb crap. But this show is a constant maelstrom of antisocial and/or stupid behavior, poorly established mental illness, and pure anarchy within the walls of a facility housing the OMG BEST BRAIN DOCTORS EVERRR and like one security guard. Nothing ever brings us back to a "But damn, they get the job done." moment other than being told, many times in an hour, how mindblowingly amazing they all are while they're busy trying to stick their dicks and/or their crazy into places it doesn't belong. If this were a real place, every day would be like the mass murder episode of Grey's Anatomy. Every. Single. Day.
Bossman: "Just out of curiosity, does anybody in this room believe in god?"
Bickman: "Have you seen me operate? I AM GOD!"
Ali Wong: "I believe in god. She's awesome."
Bossman: [what the atheist says at the beginning of a Chick Tract. He's interrupted right before he gets to the part where he admits to the emptiness within that he really knows only the one true God can fill]
Yeah, all the scientists are sciency, and Catherine the bipolar one is the only one who can see the light, or at least wants to. I gotta say, divine-inspired delusions are probably the highlight of mania for me. They're fucking incredible. Catherine later meets with Edward Hermann and Bossman to talk about death. At this point I'm fairly certain all the writers for the show are high all the time, because I know exactly what high conversations about god and death sound like. And they sound ridiculous coming out of these characters. I swear I wrote that before Catherine suggests Edward Hermann take psilocybin. Looks like we're goin' shrooming.
OK, this is all terrible and it's gone on long enough. Lightning Round. Jacob's wife gets even more horrible on him, then Jacob has a seizure which means it's treatable. No more God for him. Catherine gives Edward Hermann a capsule of pure pharmaceutical grade psilocybin, and keeps the rest. Superplumber lays down an ultimatum and demands an off-Cube date with Ali Wong. Edward Hermann has a good trip and Bossman asks Catherine if he can trip too. The "no" really bums him out. Ali Wong stands up Superplumber. Jacob goes back to being a fat cat, showing more range than our two leads combined. His wife is still terrible. Catherine and Bickman talk briefly about his charity work.
Catherine: "I think you're complicated."
Bickman: "You're wrong. You just don't understand me."
Sigh. Where's gun violence when you need it. Josh catches Esme and her new boyfriend getting stoned. Will puts the psilocybin in hot chocolate because he thinks it's cinnamon and he and Catherine both drink some. Then Catherine has to go give Esme the drug talk and starts tripping in the middle. Will also trips. I want to laugh at this, but it's just too uncomfortable and unnecessary. Esme does make a cute butterfly though. Edward Hermann dies and Bossman calls Catherine to tell her the news while she walks home tripping. She goes into a church and the Virgin Mary gives her a thumbs up. That's literally how this one ends. Virgin Mary. Thumbs up. Why.
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