Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Nothing's Gonna Ruin My Holiday

I've been participating in a mental illness support group for the past two years-plus. A lot of my fellow bipolar sufferers have problems around this time of year. Trying to put on a happy face to match the people you share a holiday with, coming to the end of a year uncertain what the next twelve months will bring, that sort of thing. I am not one of those people. Christmas is and always has been my favorite day of the year. I have a generally cool family, we really do care about each other, and that's always come first on Christmas. I know a lot of people who can't say the same for themselves, so I'm always grateful that when the year comes to a close I've got good people in my life. Here's my Christmas timeline, as we count down the hours to Christmas #32 in the life of The Everlasting Dave. Some dates may be off, but I kept it as close as I could.

1982-88: No clear memories of any of this, just establishing the traditions we kept for years. Reading "'Twas The Night Before Christmas" on Christmas Eve. Decorating the tree with ornaments we still have to this day. Hanging the stockings. Christmas morning at home, always getting pretty great gifts, especially considering that my parents never had tons of money. Going to my grandparents' house for Christmas night, with big extended family and a big dinner. Even with just a couple gifts per person, the pile of presents spilled out across the living room and by the end of the night wrapping paper was everywhere.

1989: This is an estimate- it may have been '90 or '91- but a friend of my grandparents gave me my first Walkman on Christmas, along with a cassingle of a Chicago Cubs rally song. I started borrowing my sister's REM and Jesus Jones tapes, and within a few years my collection of radio mixtapes and store-bought albums on tape were my most prized possessions. Maybe the same year, maybe a year or two later, my aunt gave my parents the first CD player we ever had and a copy of "A Very Special Christmas", the pop-stars-doing-Christmas-Carols album. I still love the U2 and Run-DMC songs (Christmas in Hollis is my favorite non-punk Christmas song), and I'm pretty sure Bruce Springsteen's "Merry Christmas Baby" is the reason I cannot stand The Boss to this day.

1992: The Christmas of Super Nintendo. First kid on my block- maybe my whole school- to have one. I beat my dad in John Madden Football (the first one) on a last-second field goal to break the system in, and my sister and I spent most of the next week trying to beat Super Mario World, then beating it again and again.

1994: My grandparents had moved to Florida, so we went down there for Christmas. I was 12 years old and completely geeked out over this alternative rock thing, so my gifts included copies of Nirvana's Unplugged in New York, Stone Temple Pilots' Purple, and (I believe) Offspring's Smash. I still have the first two tapes. I also remember swimming in December, which was mind-blowing to me at the time. My sister tried to get me to have some of my grandparents' booze while we stayed up late watching a Green Day concert on MTV. I said no.

1995: We went to my aunt's house in Virginia this year. I have three clear memories of this: My dad being strongly affected by a Christmas mass in a big beautiful church, my sister being jealous that I got Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness (still on cassette!) and she was stuck with Presidents of the United States of America, and receiving from my aunt some amount of internet time via dialup on her laptop. I was entranced and spent the whole time on MTV.com. In retrospect, this Christmas was a blowout win for me.

1996: I got my first CD player, a Jeep boombox, and my first CD: Beck's Odelay. This year, New Year's was a bigger deal than Christmas for me, because I had a Magic: the Gathering night with a bunch of friends on New Year's Eve. A few weeks later, we would get our first PC and I could go on MTV.com in the comfort of my own home. Score. 

1998: Back to Florida to spend Christmas with my grandparents, but the big gift was a trip a bit further south to Miami to meet in person with my internet girlfriend. That was probably the best Christmas present ever, and for at least a couple years, those few days in Miami were the best days of my life.

2003: Christmas in chemo. That pretty much says it all. I'm not sure who was there on which days that winter, but I know most of my family made some effort to get there and help out with transportation, medication, whatever was necessary. I like to say I've never had a bad Christmas, and if someone brings this one up, I say "Everyone else might have been worried, but have you ever been on IV Ativan? This was a merry Christmas." This is true, but more seriously, I remain humbled to this day that my family rallied around me the way they did. All the Magic cards and Pearl Jam bootlegs in the world don't compare to that level of suiting up and showing up. Magic cards and Pearl Jam bootlegs are still awesome, though.

2004: My first Christmas without any family. Good friends, my then-almost-inlaws, and the joy of no longer being hooked on pain meds and benzos. A literal and symbolic end to the nightmare that was my late 2004.

2008: Our first Christmas after the passing of my then-girlfriend's father, we split the day between my family and hers. A lot of time in transit, but also lot of good time spent with good people. There was a really good picture taken of us toward the end of the day, where you can see so much exhaustion and contentment and, I think, some hope.

2010: I consider this the first Christmas of the rest of my life. I was in a mental hospital until just a few days before Christmas, and I spent much of the day at my uncle's house, drinking beer and trying not to say much of anything. The big upside to this Christmas was that it was the first one I feel I was truly selfless, spending most of my money on gifts for others instead of worrying about myself. It felt good and I try to do at least a little of that every year now.

2012: The best Christmas ever. My terminally-ill sister, both my parents, and I spent the day together at my dad's place. Gifts weren't the point- a couple jokey things, some gestures, whatever- but getting to marathon Simpsons and Family Guy one last time with my sister is one of the best Christmas memories I'll ever have.

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